akita_ino

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 22:39:20 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 12
Wordcount: 6.438
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: overall NC17

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

It was already the third of December, the award shows were getting nearer every day and every day they practised. They would do a special remix and parts of their choreography had been changed and of course now they had to memorise them, practise with each other and find the perfect harmony for the new atmosphere of the song. It was faster, wild but at the same time more gentle and sensitive, which made it harder to memorise the steps. Yunho and Junsu had to do a special segment. And both had their problems mastering it. Even Yunho got frustrated today with his part, cursing under his breath in the car on their way back home. In front of the other four he always felt that he had to be strong, he was their leader, he should be the one to master the steps the fastest and then help the others with their problems.

But they had practised for three days already and Yunho was nowhere near the perfection he expected of himself. Not yet. Junsu was having the same difficulties. There was one part, where they had to dance and twirl around, circling each other and around the other three, and every time Junsu bumped into someone or stumbled over his feet. First it had been Changmin several times, because the youth missed the right timing and was always a second too late to step back and make space for Junsu.
Other times it was Yoochun, who stumbled himself over his feet, when he tried to jump back when Yunho had passed him, so Junsu would have the space needed to get to his position.
One time they bumped into each other so hard, it sent both sprawling down to floor, moaning with the pain of the collision.

Sometimes it was Yunho who got into Junsu’s way, making the over trip over because he was too tense to fall himself. It wasn’t because Yunho was stronger than the other, he just had a better stance and was able to find his balance soon again. Junsu on the other hand got worse and worse the more mistakes he made, he was getting too frustrated to master even the easy beginning right, which hadn’t been changed at all and which he had danced hundreds of times before perfectly.
Jaejoong most of the time managed to stay out of their way. He wasn’t good at memorising all the steps in a short period of time, but he could keep an eye on the other four in rehearsal and managed to jump out of the way when needed. He didn’t want Junsu to collide with him and get even more frustrated than he already was.

He wouldn’t mind that much with Yunho though. There was something about the way his body move with the music, how the sweat ran down his face and flew from him when he twirled and threw his head back, his mouth open, breathing heavy after hours of practise to get enough oxygen into his system. It was arousing, it was wild and dirty and Jaejoong felt himself being drawn in by his sight. Every time he was close to the other he could smell him in the air around him, manly and strong, his scent so rich and intoxicating, Jaejoong felt his senses lose their focus and everything became Yunho around him.

After hours the practise room was filled with their scent, musk and sweat, five different flavours mixed into one, so strong and overwhelming, Jaejoong felt himself lost in it, the need to breath fresh air becoming stronger every second. He felt like drowning, but at the same time he enjoyed their scent around him, he enjoyed the five of them so close together their sweat and tears mixed into one, blending into this one perfect aroma that was and would ever be Dong Band Shin Ki. He lived in this scent. Too used to the smell of female powders and perfumes, he felt himself come alive with the other four, it was nothing new after years of being together, but the bliss and emotions racing through him were still the same.

He shared a towel with Yoochun and Yunho, offering it them at breaks to wipe their foreheads and necks, giving each a fresh water bottle to chase away the dryness on their throats. And once he got back the towels to put them back on the table, he breathed in their mixed scents delightfully before returning to his position and starting over. Changmin was too careful to let him get a hold on his towel, he knew of Jaejoong’s little fetish and always eyed him a little suspiciously. With Junsu he also didn’t have a chance, every time he came too near, Yoochun shot him deadly glares, daring him to take his towel, the promise of a later punishment in their room visible in his eyes. Sometimes when Jaejoong felt daring, he would rub Junsu’s shoulder and neck, smearing the droplets all over his skin, telling him to keep up the good work as disguise. And behind him Yoochun was burning with jealousy.

But he knew Jaejoong was only playing, the other knew of Yoochun’s feelings and would never do anything to hurt him. But still he couldn’t help feeling intoxicated even by Junsu’s scent.
But now that he had Yunho, who’s scent could be better than their leader’s? He smelled so rich and strong, like fall coming all over Jaejoong. Fallen leaves on his shoulders, moist soil under his feet, mist twirling around him, that were the sensations his scent awoke in Jaejoong. And he loved it. Compared to Yoochun, who smelled to nice, to pretty, too girly even in a way, Yunho smelled right, just perfectly right. And Jaejoong knew he had never felt so happy and content before.

And the others knew. Just the day before Jaejoong had decided on his own to tell the about his and Yunho’s relationship, calling them all together for dinner and then sitting down on the leader’s lap, kissing him in front of their eyes. Changmin had laughed, teasing Jaejoong about finally becoming the mother everyone already knew he was. Yunho had dropped his spoon. Junsu had stared at them for several moments and then grinned. It wasn’t anything like Jaejoong had imagined it would be, the others already knew about their feelings, they knew about their bond and were happy they finally had taken the last step after circling around each other for eyes.
Only for Yoochun things had been awkward, it had shown on his face when he saw them kissing, his gaze always drifting to Junsu in that moment and the sadness was overflowing in his eyes.

Jaejoong wished he could help him, but it was up to Junsu to either take his love or refuse it, it was only his choice and even though it brought so much sadness to Yoochun, he knew that he had to respect the younger singer’s choice. Love couldn’t be forced. As much as Yoochun wished he could, feelings came from deep within and he Yoochun just couldn’t plant them there when he liked. It was impossible. He just hoped his happiness wouldn’t bring more tears to Yoochun’s eyes.
After their confession at the dining table, Yunho had scolded him when they did the dishes, telling him he should have at least warned him, talked to him before coming out to their friends. Jaejoong countered that it hadn’t mattered, they could’ve stayed silent but the others would have known already. Only now the knew they could be open with each other, something Jaejoong had wished for since the beginning.

He wanted to kiss Yunho, embrace and hold him freely in their apartment. He couldn’t do it outside, they didn’t even allow each other more than little touches in a bath or dressing room outside, even when they thought they were alone, when they knew no fan could be around them, they kept their distance. Yunho didn’t want anyone to find out, he kept his eyes open all the time and only when the timing was right he took Jaejoong’s hand to hold it, press it firmly, reassuringly. Jaejoong was scared too. His own family had reacted bad to his confession, had chose to ignore it and pretend he was still normal, still the son they wanted to have, without any consideration of his feelings. The real Jaejoong wasn’t good enough for them, so they had to dream up a perfect image of their son and it hurt Jaejoong, it hurt so much, deep in his heart and soul.

But now in their apartment they would be free. At least here Jaejoong wanted the freedom to kiss and hold his beloved any time, anyway he wanted. And with the knowledge that the other three didn’t mind, didn’t feel offended or disgusted by it, he finally felt free and happy, felt he could let go of Hero and be the real Jaejoong, the person he was deep inside. And Yunho only waited for that. Because he was the same. In front of the camera, at concert’s interviews, video shoots, he was the leader, the perfect manly mannequin SM had created to place in front of the group, but as soon as the doors closed behind them, Yunho allowed himself to be weak and childish, to be imperfect and boring, to be the young boy who had left his home to become big in a city too big for him to imagine. And for the first time since they had their debut, Jaejoong felt he could give the other something of this honesty back.

So after coming back from rehearsal, after spending half an hour to calm the leader down, who had been more than unsatisfied with his progress, they had eaten dinner, washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and had now ended up curled up together on the couch. Changmin had went to see a movie with a friend and Junsu had decided to go shopping, because one of his cell phones had broken and he had decided he needed a new one. Today.
Yoochun was working on something, after dinner he had immerged himself in the working room, sometimes music audible faintly in the hall, the clicking sounds of a keyboard being typed on echoing from the walls. Jaejoong was glad Junsu had gone out today, giving Yoochun a little time fro himself, freeing him from the suffocating feeling of being too close to relax but too far to feel happy.

It was only nine, rehearsal had ended earlier today because tomorrow morning they would need to go to Japan for an interview and the recording for the radio show they would start with the New Year. For Jaejoong it still felt like a dream, something that would only happen in a fairy tale but miraculously had happened to him. Anywhere they went people knew their names, recognised their faces, even in far away places like Paris and Sydney, New York and Moscow. Even in places he had only ever learned of in high school, in countries which names he couldn’t pronounce, people loved and worshipped them, listening to their music, feeling their message through their songs every day. Who would have thought this could happen to him? Someone so ordinary, so plain and unexciting that it astonished even Jaejoong himself how people could think so high of him.

But today he didn’t want to think about fame, money, about fans and success, he wanted to be as normal as he could get, sitting on the couch, watching a movie on television and his love close beside him. After everything had been cleaned, Jaejoong had suggested to watch a movie to get their mind off the rehearsal and the stress of the last days and relax before they would rush to Japan to complete their duties there. They needed time for themselves too.
Yunho, still a little angry at himself, was mumbling and groaning at his offer, but came with him to the living room, dragging his bag with him. Jaejoong sat down on one side, Yunho beside him, hands clutched together, shoulders touching, they watched some new Chinese movie, which wasn’t all that interesting, but it gave them the feeling of being a normal couple on a normal day, doing things normal couples did together.

Jaejoong had wished for this moment to never end. They didn’t need to talk, they were comfortable in their silence, just being close, feeling the other breath, hearing his body live and the feeling of their skin, their fingers warm in each other’s grasp.
Until only 15 minutes later Yunho took out his ipod from his bag and putting in the headphones, stretching out on the couch. Jaejoong pouted as the other did this, distancing himself from him and taking away the possibility to talk. Looking at his pout, Yunho smiled and reached up, caressing his cheek and kissing his lips softly. “Let me sleep, love, with your body under mine.” He said smiling, laying down with his head in Jaejoong’s lap, getting as close to him as possible, snuggling up to the warmth the other body offered.

Jaejoong couldn’t help smiling at their adorable leader, as he lay down on him, hands stretched over his knees, his face so relaxed and content, his eyes falling shut from the exhaustion in his body. He let him rest, one hand slightly tangled in his brown hair, caressing, petting him, tender and full of affection. He loved the moments when it was his turn to be strong for their leader, when he needed his shoulder, his guidance through life, when he allowed himself his weakness and depended on Jaejoong to offer his hand. It wasn’t often these days that Yunho relaxed like this, that he showed how exhausted and tired he was from running around, rushing from one appointment to the other, flying around foreign countries, never staying longer than a few days in one place.

What was wrong with their lives? Before they had stayed too long in Japan, forgetting their language, missing the faces of their family and friends, the familiar environment and weather, and now, when they were back in Korea, when they had finally fulfilled their duties in Japan, they still weren’t allowed to settle down again.
Jaejoong liked Japan, he had always liked it for it’s fashion, music, culture and food, but he had missed his home in these months they had been away. He had been forced to celebrate his birthday behind the scenes of a Japanese variety show, he had been forced to call his sisters on their birthdays between breaks of rehearsals for their concerts, he had been forced to buy a cake for the others rather than making one himself because their apartment in Japan didn’t have an oven.

He was grateful for their success in Japan, he really was, but he had missed his home.
He remembered one time back when they had first come to Japan, all of them sad and tired, overwhelmed with the new culture, the language they couldn’t understand, with the tight schedule torturing them and their bodies, Yunho had called them together one evening, hugging everyone tight, kissing away their tears and heartaches, telling them home for him was wherever his members where and that all happiness he needed, all the feelings of home and security he needed in this foreign country he would find in their arms and presence. They all had cried that night, some silently, some openly and heartbreaking, pressing together tight under their blankets, promising another that they would never let each other fall.

And he had to agree. Wherever the five of them were together, Jaejoong felt something close to home, regardless of the place or time, whoever was around them. And still, home was more than that, home was were he had memories, good and bad, where he could feel his past, breath and smell his history. And that was exactly what this apartment meant for him. Here so many things had happened, things that made him cry, things that made him laugh, things that burned his heart and things that touched his soul. It was all around these rooms, it was in the air and the walls, he could feel it when he touched the plates from the kitchen, the remote of the television, the plants beside the window which he had bought last year for decoration. And he could feel it in the presence of his precious friends around him.

The feeling of his favoured one on his lap for nearly an hour, stroking his hair and listening to his breath calmed Jaejoong and he found himself amazed at how lucky he had been to be worthy of their leader’s love. He felt something close to pride, relief that in the end, for him, everything had turned out wonderful. It wasn’t perfect, not yet, they still struggled with their place in the relationship, fighting for dominance as much as for submission. They were both, equally strong and it made things hard for them to get closer, both afraid that it wasn’t their right to take the first step, unsure how big the step had to be so the other could take the same, not knowing when the other would come forward and so they both missed the right timing, always getting closer and then drifting away again, constantly, never ending. It was nerve-racking, it was annoying, it was taking too damn long for Jaejoong.

He wanted it to be over, to be able to read Yunho inside and out, know what he was thinking, what he wanted, desired, read his wishes and fears in his yes so they could stop being so cautious around each other. But that wouldn’t happen anytime soon. Jaejoong was too scared and Yunho too insecure to get intimate, to take a new step up the ladder, to reach a new level. They were already friends, close friends, always around each other, loving each other probably from the day they first met. But Jaejoong couldn’t bear loving Yunho like this any longer. In his heart he was full of his emotions, of the affection the leader held for him, but his body was still cold and hard, closed off from love and tenderness.
He wanted him, god he did and he still scolded himself for refusing Yunho that day when he had cornered him in the bathroom.

What had he done? Why had he refused the one thing he hadn’t shared with the other yet? What had been his reasons? Had there even been some to begin with or had he just been too scared to open up completely to Yunho?
He couldn’t figure out his own heart. Finally he held the other in his arms, they love was equal and strong, Yunho told him every other day he loved him with little touches, kisses and whispered words that made Jaejoong’s heart beat uncontrollably wild in his chest. Did he still doubt him? He had been left waiting for a whole year, all the time in Japan he had asked himself if Yunho would ever return his feelings or not, if one day they would be together, not just physically, not just as two singers of the same group but as two parts of the same.

And maybe that was it. Yunho had tried to make the first move, touching him, getting close to him, telling him with his eyes and body that back then, under the lights of their bathroom, that he wanted more from Jaejoong, more than he knew, more than he had experienced ever before. But Jaejoong had refused. And now, days later, he found himself imagining the sleeping leader on his lap opening his eyes, looking up at him, liking his lips, touching him where he hadn’t touched before, seducing him with his innocence, with his inexperience.
Sometimes when he showered, he thought of the other, of the things they could do together, of the way their bodies would move beside each other, touching, tasting, probing. How Yunho would react to his first touches of another man, his tongue exploring the secrets of his body no girl would have been able to find before.

In his mind it was Yunho in him, around him, tasting him, being tasted, caressed and stroked, all at once. And he couldn’t decide which scenario he liked better, which fantasy was more appealing to him. Would he let the other take him first? Would Yunho trust him enough to let him take him first? Too many questions and too many possible answers, Jaejoong really didn’t want to think about it. But he had to.
This was also a reason why they couldn’t just start doing things. He had to take Yunho’s hand and lead him to this new experience, slow and carefully, because being the first man for the other, Jaejoong held a big responsibility. There still might be the possibility of Yunho despising their intimacy, he might recoil and turn away in disgust. And Jaejoong’s heart wouldn’t be able to survive this.

They had to talk first, even though it might be a little awkward and embarrassing for him, but he needed to know how Yunho thought about it, how he felt about the image of them being together. He had said he was curious, because he didn’t know, but would he really be comfortable with sharing his bed with Jaejoong the way he had only done with females before?
He was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts when he heard someone call his name. Turning his head around to the side, he saw Yoochun coming from the hallway, taking small steps towards him. He stopped before the couch, casting a worried glance towards the sleeping leader on Jaejoong’s lap.
“I wanted to talk to you…” he said quietly, playing a little nervous with his fingers, looking at Jaejoong with big eyes.

“Then sit down and talk. He is asleep, he won’t hear us. And if he wakes up, I’m going to send him away.” He assured, pointing on a pillow on the floor to sit down.
First Yoochun didn’t react, he looked between Yunho and Jaejoong, unsure if he should follow Jaejoong’s offer or try to talk to him another time. But then finally he sat down on the pillow in front of the couch. Jaejoong took the remote and turned off the sound of the television, only faint music from Yunho’s earphones could he heard in the living room now. Yoochun sighed several times, staring first at the floor and his hands, then back up at Jaejoong.
“I can’t stay here anymore.” He confessed, his voice quiet but the determination clearly audible. “Being near him pains me too much. I think I should get my own apartment.” Yoochun tried to smile, to make it sound harmless and the most natural thing in the world for him to get his own place. But really, it wasn’t.

They had grown up together, always around the same rooms, the same place, filling it with living and laughter, bringing the apartment alive. And only all five of them together could do that, if one was missing due to different schedules, visiting his family or friends, the apartment felt more distant, blank and empty without the presence of all five. And now Yoochun wanted to leave? Jaejoong’s face fell sad and his heart hurt with his confession, knowing deep down how hard it was to be around someone you loved so much, not being able to touch and hold him. Waiting for Yunho’s answer had been torture for him, he couldn’t imagine the pain Yoochun was going through because he already had been rejected.
“Is that really the only solution for you?” Jaejoong asked, concern and sadness painfully audible in his voice.

Yoochun flinched at the sound. He knew how hard it was to let go, to leave their apartment and all the memories behind. If he had another choice, of course he would take it, but what else could he do? He already wasn’t sharing a room with Junsu, but every day they bumped into each other, when going to the bathroom or eating together, when watching television, going through their work, there was nowhere he could turn to to be alone. Jaejoong knew that, he had just hoped things would work out between them, that Yoochun would be able to live with the friendship he had with Junsu and that over time his heart would heal enough for him to be happy again, even though Jaejoong knew how deep the other loved the younger singer and that nobody would ever be able to make Yoochun feel the happiness Junsu could stir up in him. But at the very least Jaejoong wanted the hopelessness to vanish from Yoochun’s eyes.

“What about management?” he asked instead of the thousands of questions he really wanted to ask the other. About his feelings, about his hurt and love. But maybe it was better to still avoid that topic.
“I called them, they will see what they’ll do. I ask for nothing, I will pay it with my money. And I think if it’s close enough to this place, they won’t have any objections.” He shrugged slightly, turning his head to avoid Jaejoong’s pained look.
Jaejoong also sighed, carefully placing his hand on Yunho’s shoulder as if trying to gain strength from the simple touch, from the feeling of his warm body beside him.
“Then what about you? How do you feel, thinking about leaving us, all four of us?” He couldn’t ask only about Junsu, this wasn’t purely about Yoochun’s unrequited love. What about him? If Yoochun decided to leave the apartment, Jaejoong would also lose him, he would be too far away to reach when he wanted to talk to him, they wouldn’t be able to hug and cuddle when they talked about their fears and problems, wondering what the next week would bring for them. Jaejoong wouldn’t be able to listen to Yoochun’s new music first, give him advice on certain parts and help him improve. They wouldn’t write lyrics together anymore.

As much as he loved and needed Yunho, Yoochun was really his best friend, someone so close, someone so important to him that he had wondered before how they never had ended up together. The attraction was there, Yoochun was anything but unappealing, but still they had never crossed that line, they had always only remained friends. Maybe it had been for their counterparts, the two perfect beings they had met so young and had fallen in love with unconsciously right from the start. If not for these boys, maybe love could have blossomed between them. But their hearts were already filled to the brink.
“I don’t want you to leave.” He blurted out, not waiting for Yoochun’s answer. He wanted to be selfish, he wanted to keep him around for as long as he could. Even if it meant pain for Yoochun, but in time, he would learn to deal with it wouldn’t he? His heart would heal and allow him his happiness again. Jaejoong had also endured the past year, surely Yoochun would be able to do the same. And he doubted it would take a year for Yoochun’s heart to heal. At least he knew where he stood, he couldn’t wonder anymore if or when Junsu would accept him. It was over. Wouldn’t that be easier to handle?

Yoochun just smiled at his words, shaking his head slightly. “I know. And if I had the choice, I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t leave, really. I like being around you and the others… just Junsu is… not right now.” he looked past Jaejoong at the wall, biting his lips, sighing.
Jaejoong could feel he was hiding something, but he didn’t want to force him to confess, it was Yoochun’s choice whether or not he told him. And he obviously chose to hide it for now.
“What will you do with your new place? Will you stay there, sleep and what? Miss us every second you are there by yourself?” he challenged the other, hoping to break down his decision. Yoochun was weak when it came to his members, he would usually back down if they asked nicely enough, if they showed him how hurt they were by his decisions, if he were to pull through with them. Then he backed down. Most of the time Jaejoong only needed to pout or keep silent and Yoochun would do what he wanted.

It wasn’t nice to exploit the others friendly nature like this, but Jaejoong had and always would be a little selfish when he could. Maybe growing up with so many sisters did that to you, you just wanted things for yourself. And only for yourself.
But Yoochun just smiled sadly. “Of course I will miss you, but I will learn to live with it. Just like I will learn to live without Junsu. Give me a few months and maybe then I will come back. But please Jaejoong…” he said, hopeful, begging him to understand with his eyes. “I need time to heal… my heart is breaking every day I see him, every second I spent in his presence my heart bleeds, screams for him, but he won’t even look at me.” He turned around, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

Jaejoong’s body shook with the sound of his voice, the cracking, the tears and sobs, alls suppressed for him. Yoochun shouldn’t feel the need to stay strong in front of him, he knew he could cry and Jaejoong would never say any word about it.
“Let me nurse my soul and heart back to the point where I can take his laughter without dying inside. Give me that chance.” He pleaded, getting to his knees, bending forward to place his hand over Jaejoong’s, which was still holding unto Yunho’s arm.
Jaejoong couldn’t look at him. Unconsciously he pressed down on his arm, his nails pressing down into the skin. What should he do? Should he really let him go and take care of his members by himself? Yunho was still at his side, that was true, but without Yoochun, who could he talk to about said leader? To whom could he ramble to about how Yunho was supposed to sweep him off his feet and take the lead that Jaejoong found so hard to give? Who could he complain to about his desperation to do more than just kissing with the other?

“Jaejoong?” suddenly Yunho’s voice cut through the silence. His eyes opened and he looked up at the other tiredly. When he turned his head to see where he was he noticed Yoochun sitting on his knees right before the couch, eyes glistening with unshed tears and the most mournful expression Yunho had ever seen on him on his face. He pulled the plugs from his ears and sat up, looking at both of them questioningly.
“Yunho… we... were talking…” Jaejoong tried to explain, but the words were stuck in his throat. It wasn’t easy to explain this situation, nobody else knew about Yoochun’s pain and Yoochun was happy about it. So what could he say to Yunho why Yoochun looked so broken and lost? He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want to keep something so important from Yunho. Should he tell him Yoochun wanted to leave the apartment and live on his own? But what reason could he tell the other? That he was tired of them? But Yunho would surely ask why now and from then Jaejoong would need to lie and he knew he couldn’t do it.

But Yunho said nothing, he just smiled a little and bend forward, kissing Jaejoong softly, just for mere moments, lips on lips, before he stood up from the couch. He grabbed Yoochun by his arms, pulling him to his feet and then against him in a tight hug. “I hope Jaejoong can stop your tears.” He said to him softly, voice still raw with sleep and exhaustion, but absolutely sincere and honest. He then pushed him a little playfully unto the couch, right into Jaejoong’s arms, both yelping with surprise. And off he went down the hallway, faintly the other two could hear the door to one of the rooms open and close.
Jaejoong kept staring after him while Yoochun shook in his arms, tears running down his cheeks. He rocked him in his arms, whispering to him everything that came to his mind. Maybe it really was for the best. What kind of friend would he be if he kept Yoochun inside this place that was a prison for his heart? If he stayed here, he would never be free of Junsu again. But still he wished, he wished for the younger to accept Yoochun’s feelings, for them to become two parts of the same and find happiness in each other. He really wished and prayed for it.

But reality was far from it. And it showed clearly in the way Yoochun cried against his shoulder, holding unto him with all his strength, his face and whole body tense and shaking. Jaejoong couldn’t keep him like this, as much as he wanted to, it would only hurt him more.
“If only you hadn’t fallen in love with him…” he murmured, stroking Yoochun’s back and shoulders. But still he couldn’t blame Junsu, he could only blame the situation. He loved Junsu, he did, he couldn’t hate him, never. It was just so heartbreaking to see his best friend, his soul mate cry, falling apart piece by piece.
But Yoochun shook his head. “I’m the Yoochun I am today because of him… I don’t regret falling in love with him.” he whispered through his tears, forcing down his sobs. “I regret taking a coward’s way out… I’m ashamed of not being strong enough to take his rejection…” he sighed, laughing sadly at himself.

“Don’t feel ashamed because you want to run away. I know how much it hurts to see your loved one and not being able to hold him close… I know how much he means to you and how much you will always love him, but…” Jaejoong said, stroking Yoochun’s hair softly. “It would have been easier if you had fallen in love with someone else…”
Everything would have been different, Jaejoong was sure of it. It didn’t necessarily need to be a female, but he knew females couldn’t resist Yoochun’s charm, his smile and charisma, his warm heart and loveable nature. He had wished for him to fall in love with a nice girl, keep her around for a few years and then marry her, settle down, have kids and be a great dad. That was what he wanted for the other. But that wasn’t possible with Junsu. Even if the other returned Yoochun’s feelings, they would never be able to settle down, buy a nice house somewhere and lead a normal life. Junsu was too ambitious for that, he would always strive for the stars and drag Yoochun with him on his way.

But was that what the other needed? Wouldn’t he rather enjoy a peaceful life away from cameras and studio lights, writing his music and lyrics for himself and give it to the world as a present? Yoochun didn’t need fame, he only needed his passion. But Junsu, Jaejoong feared, was someone who would never stop somewhere, who was too restless to be content with what he had. He was the same as Yoochun. He loved the success they had, but fame was too destructive to bath in it for too long. One day he would get tired of it and fade away, retire and lead a life like his grandparents had. Away from the city, the lights and the noise. Happy with his beloved at his side, that was Jaejoong’s perfect ending.
“It would have been easier if you had fallen in love with me.” He murmured absently, cuddling close to Yoochun’s body. They both wanted the same ending, they would stop together some day and keep on walking with the same pace. Junsu would keep running, too fast for Yoochun to catch up.

“Maybe…” his friend sighed at his shoulder, his tears retreating slowly. “If we hadn’t met our angels, maybe we would have ended up together. But it wouldn’t be the same.” Yoochun said, smiling a little. He raised his head, looking at the other. “But even if you hadn’t met Yunho, can’t you deny the fact that you would have yearned for someone like him? Would you have been content with someone like me?” Yoochun asked, a serious, thoughtful expression on his face.
And Jaejoong wasn’t sure. He had always thought about his ideal lover before, how he should be and what features he should have, how he should look like. But after meeting Yunho, the images inside of him had changed and suddenly there was nobody perfect enough for him anymore. He couldn’t come up with a picture of his ideal lover, it was always something keeping him from it. There were parts he thought important. like beautiful eyes and dark hair, tall and well built, he couldn’t deny these features attracted him, but he never ever had some concrete image inside of him. Maybe because since meeting Yunho, even at that young age, somehow his heart had known that there would never be anyone else for him.

“I love you Jaejoong, I do, but I know… I feel that I need Junsu to be complete… and that’s why I need to have time for myself. When I’m stronger, I will come back.” He promised, smiling to through his still tear filled eyes, cuddling close to the taller singer, taking his hand. “I could never abandon him… or you…”
And it was true. Jaejoong knew it, he could feel it himself that Yoochun and him, that they would never part despite any circumstances.
It would only take a few months at most. And what was his pain compared to Yoochun’s, when he had Yunho waiting for him every morning with a kiss and outstretched arms, offering him protection and love? If Yoochun could endure it, he would also do his best to support him with his decision.
“Just come back fast…” he murmured as answer, holding the other close, listening to his heartbeat so close to his own.

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 21:13:36 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 11
Wordcount: 5.324
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: NC17 for this chapter! You have been warned! Don't like, don't read!

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

Another week passed, December had started and things remained the same, awkward and tense the five lived beside each other, avoiding each other the best they could. Yoochun was feeling the tension more than anyone else. Changmin still hadn’t spoken to him more than the words necessary and Junsu acted a little too serious, sometimes a little too silly around him. It was as if he couldn’t decide how he should act around the older singer now. It wasn’t the same as before anymore, their relationship was tense, torn at the edges and around the centre. When looking at it Yoochun couldn’t really recognise it anymore for what it had been.
But it was better than nothing, better than no contact, no exchanged words, even though it pained Yoochun every time he looked at Junsu or brushed his arm when walking, standing beside him.

They still had interviews and had finished the shooting for their new music video. Soon the different promotions for the new concert tour in January would begin and they would be forced in front of the camera nearly every day, forcing them to look as if nothing had happened, as if everything was still the same.
It was easy to act normal around Changmin, they didn’t need to stand beside each other, so usually there was no direct interaction, but with Junsu it was different. Everyone expected them to be noisy, touchy, silly and disturbing when doing an interview, especially in breaks and when the attention was focused on Yunho or Jaejoong answering questions.

How would they be able to play that role? And what about the award shows in the next weeks? Could they stand on stage, proud and near to tears from happiness, embracing each other when on the inside Yoochun just cringed at the thought of being in Junsu’s arms? And the fans expected them to be like that, hugging, being all over each other when they had the opportunity, that was what people expected of the so called Yoosu couple.
But maybe their time was over now. They had failed at being a real couple, had failed at the first stage, how could they be a fake couple then? They weren’t actors who could put on a perfect mask for the public, the media, the fans watching every step.

And Yoochun knew how they could be. They had been stalked far too many times to count, people following them to the restroom, spying on them when shopping, going out for dinner, recording every step they took on camera. What about their private life? Yoochun had seen private pictures of him spread on the internet. To his luck they had been from a kind of cooperating person who, when asked by him, took the pictures down again.
He didn’t mind the pictures of him on the airport, at a store or when driving around Seoul, but some pictures were too private to be shared, too precious the moments to be gossiped about and he had hoped the fans would understand that. If not when they witnessed the moment, then at least when they were at home, looking at the pictures and put up on the internet.

He had found some pictures of him and Junsu on a private fan page when he had been bored one day, surfing around gossip sites to laugh at the ridiculous things their fans came up with sometimes. When the first of the pictures had appeared on the search engine, he had been shocked and disturbed how close this person had come to them, how disturbing it was to know that even in times he thought himself safe, people could be lurking around the corner. He knew that the content the pictures showed was, what their fans were really interested in, but wasn’t it their life? How could people judge something they knew nothing about?

He treasured these moments so much and while looking at them every emotion he had felt that time came to the surface again and crashed over him like a giant wave. He saw himself sitting in a restaurant, Junsu practically on his lap, arms locked tightly around him, the other with his phone pressed to his ear, tears streaming down his face, crying against Yoochun’s shoulder when his parents had called him to inform him one of his relatives had died, their faces both drenched in agony and sadness, Yoochun silently crying with his beloved friend, trying to offer as much comfort as he could just by being near, holding him. Just looking at the picture made his heart hurt again. It wasn’t easy to crush Junsu, to make him cry and sob, especially in public, but this phone call had broken him down in less then 10 seconds, his loss of a beloved person Yoochun didn’t even know the name of, had made Yoochun feel the same sadness he had felt when parting from his family. And he knew how much the other was grieving, it was obvious how pained his face and eyes looked, how painfully tight he clung to him and his phone.

Another picture was taken in Paris, him and Junsu standing on a bridge at night, the lights of the city around them, Jaejoong, Changmin and Yunho playing in the background, judging from their gestures arguing about something concerning a box Changmin held in his hands. But him and Junsu were quietly standing side by side, the hand of the other grasped tightly with their own, watching the beautiful lights of the city around them. They weren’t standing noticeably close to each other or touching too much, but one could feel from the picture the calm and warmth he had felt when Junsu shyly had taken his hand, whispering to him how beautiful the city looked and wondered how many lights were shining before their eyes. His innocence was shining from his face, which was turned half way to the camera, and Yoochun, eyes filled with love and affection, watched him admiring the scenery.

The next pictures he found were of one of the memories he treasured the most. They had been in Japan, still young and innocent, filled with the hope to make it big in this foreign country, to spread their love and songs to everyone who could feel the passion they poured into them right from their souls. It had been winter, a very cold day in December, close to Junsu’s birthday. Because on his actual birthday they had been too busy to do something special, so on one free evening before that, Yoochun went out with him, walking through the streets in Tokyo, wrapped in fabric from head to toe. After a little snack at a kiosk, Yoochun had taken the other to a jewellery shop, buying him the most beautiful, expensive necklace Yoochun had ever bought for someone. Made of the moon and stars it was everything Junsu meant to him, silver and gold in perfect combination. When he had seen it online on a web page he knew he had to have it and give it to the other. The lady of the shop had showed it to them, smiling, friendly and helpful, even though Yoochun could only understand half of what she was saying.

He had taken the necklace from her, stood behind the other and placed it around his neck, while wishing him in Korean a happy birthday and giving him the promise to do everything he could to make them as big in Japan as they would be in Korea. This was one picture. The next showed how happy Junsu had been with his present, turning around, smiling, shining bright, hugging him tighter than ever before and pressing his lips to Yoochun’s cheek. Something he rarely did, even at home, absolutely not in public, but at this day all of his affection had suddenly poured out of him, bathing Yoochun with content and bliss, his arms tight around Junsu’s waist, the wish to hold him forever visible in his eyes.

These pictures were not meant for the public, they showed too much of Yoochun’s soul and he had to admit, people would be able to read him completely with these, just one look into his eyes was enough to show them everything they needed to know. Because in these moments Yoochun had let himself be free. Completely, without a mask, without barriers around him, he had just been Yoochun, the one half raised in America Korean, part of an idol group and hopelessly in love with his best friend.

He wasn’t ashamed of it, but he didn’t want the world to see or gossip about it. For him everything he had with Junsu was pure and admirable, their friendship had always been one of the things most important to him. And he didn’t want crazy fans or gossiping teenagers ruining it. He was glad he wasn’t in Jaejoong or Yunho’s place, with all the hate and love they felt from their fans and people mostly indifferent to them, except when it came to the rumoured relationship they had. Everybody’s eyes were on them, trying to find hidden affection in glances and subtle touches, and every time a new picture of them being close came up on the internet, people started talking about it, finding truth and falsehood in it, spreading what they thought was true.

But nobody knew the truth. Not even Yoochun knew how close or far apart these two really were. And he was around them every day, every week, every month, already 5 years and more as trainee, and still he hadn’t been able to grasp the twirling vortex Jaejoong and Yunho’s relationship was.
As much as no other could grasp the depth of his feelings for Junsu. Not even Jaejoong, his closest friend in the group, the one he nearly shared everything with, even he didn’t know all of his inner turmoil, the emotions that threatened to overtake him just by looking at Junsu, by hearing his laugh or feeling his hand on his shoulder.

This love was deeper than everything Yoochun had ever felt before. And he had firmly believed one day, one day in the future, Junsu would feel the same, would take his feelings as his own and sweep them both away from this world and every pain they ever had endured on it. He had hoped for eternity with each other, content, happy, blissful until time stopped turning for them.
But it wouldn’t happen. Not now, not in the future. Once, after years of restraint, of holding back, waiting patiently, just once he had approached Junsu and been rejected. He regretted ever giving into his desire and scaring the other away with his actions. But now it was too late to mourn about the things that had happened. Reality had changed for them and Yoochun could only accept it now.

He just wished it didn’t hurt so much. Unknown, unbearable pain, far greater than any injury he ever had, his heart was aching every hour, every minute he was awake. He was scared of his feelings, of the depth and intensity. Was he already obsessed? Had he passed the normal point of love and set foot on the shore of ill obsession? Had he stalked Junsu as much as they had been stalked by their fans? Had he been invading is private space too much, not only overwhelmed him with his love? He didn’t know.
He remembered what Changmin had told him weeks ago in the bathroom, after he had fought with Jaejoong. It was true, Yoochun’s desire for Junsu surpassed every physical lust he had ever felt for another. He kept videos of a porn star he had found on accident in Japan because he resembled Junsu. When his head was turned to the left and you could see his profile, hair plastered against his forehead, he really looked like Junsu when he had finished running or was done doing his exercises in the gym, sweat pouring down his body, drenching him from head to toe.

The image aroused Yoochun every time he thought about it. And now he felt ashamed of it, ashamed for his actions, for his lust and passion, for the things he did to himself while his mind was filled with only one image. Even after promising him that he would only remain his friend, that his love for him would not ruin the special, perfect friendship they had, Yoochun kept violating the other in his mind, ravishing his body and mind nearly every night, in every dream he had. He kissed and caressed him, held him down and took his body with harsh, passionate thrusts, claiming him inside and out as his, only his.

Yes, he was scared of himself, of what could become of him if the situation would drag on, if the next weeks promised to be as tense and awkward as the past had been. He knew he wouldn’t be able to survive it, his heart was drenched in too much melancholy already, his mind set in darkness and despair. For days he kept thinking about nothing else, sometimes sobbing at night, feeling miserable. Over the love he had lost before he even had it.
Jaejoong wasn’t helping much. They had talked about his problems with Yunho and Yoochun had confessed the fight he had gotten in with Junsu, what had been the reason and why he couldn’t bear being close to him any longer. But even talking and crying with Jaejoong for hours hadn’t helped at all. There was no solution, nothing to do, he could only hope they would settle back into their old routine. And his heart to become numb over time.

Still his thoughts and fears kept him up at night. It was already 4 and sleep hadn’t been kind enough to come to him yet. Jaejoong was already asleep, nestled comfortably in his blanket and pillow, breathing steady and faint in the silence. Yoochun had tried to make himself sleepy, he had read nearly a whole book about aircrafts, something Yunho had been interested in lately, but even this unexciting topic had helped. Now he knew a lot about aerodynamics though. But he still wasn’t tired.
He had also tried counting sheep, but stopped that when all of a sudden the sheep had worn Jaejoong’s head, laughing and making faces at him. His body was tired, exhausted, his mind was blank, everything was dull and painful around him, strained from too much work and too little rest.

He had thought about going for a walk, but if he were to leave the house in the middle of the night, rumours might emerge again. It was scary how even their activities at such unholy hours were followed and watched by strangers’ eyes. Shivers ran down Yoochun’s spine, when he thought back on the one time he and Jaejoong had decided to go out late and get some beers together and the next day he had found the pictures on the internet, even though it had been past midnight when they had left the apartment. Where their fans camping outside? It was disturbing to think about it, but it had been their reality for years now. So he couldn’t leave the apartment, he needed something else to get his mind off the things plaguing it.

Slowly, carefully, he left his bed, not wanting to wake Jaejoong, who was still deep asleep in the bed at the other wall. He made his way over to the door, stopping for a second, turning around to the other person who held a part of his heart in his hands. Compared to Junsu, his share was small, but nonetheless very important, without Jaejoong by his side Yoochun would have given up already, would have succumbed to his despair a long time ago. Now it wasn’t better for him, he still feared his own mind, his own sanity, but he knew Jaejoong would be there for him, he would listen and offer advice, his help, his support. And Yoochun loved him for it, was glad and grateful, even though it was hard for him to voice out his gratitude to the older singer. There relationship wasn’t like that, they talked about their problems, yes, that was true, but most of the time their feelings remained unspoken of, the offered the other support without really listening to his inner turmoil.

They didn’t need to. Yoochun could feel Jaejoong’s sadness and the other way around. Just being there was all the support they needed, plus occasional talks sometimes, but never the endless talks he would have with Junsu. But then it was mostly Junsu who talked and Yoochun just listened, astonished at the depth and vastness Junsu’s mind possessed, by the deep thoughts he had about himself and his life.
Jaejoong wasn’t like that, he was secretive about his feelings, just like Yoochun. And they were both glad for the other. Yoochun didn’t know how to thank Jaejoong for being there, for telling him things would get better after everything had cooled down. He wished he could be as optimistic as the other, but at least he tried to give him hope.

For now he would try his best to live as normal as he could. He couldn’t deny himself the pleasure he still searched for in his dreams, his imagination, but it was better than forcing it down back into the deepest corner of his heart, he would only hurt himself more with it. When alone at night, when showering after a long day of work, he would allow himself to drown in his pleasure, to touch his body and imagine his beloved face and fingers before him, imagine the feeling of his body, the taste of his kisses. He would not tell anyone, he would keep it to himself, he would keep remembering their first kiss out on the balcony, a faint foretaste of the heavenly taste he later found on Junsu’s lips, when their tongues touched and embraced the other. He would forever have the memory of these kisses.

And maybe for eternity this had to be enough. Just by this simple kiss his desire had burned, torched him more than ever before, no other person he had embraced, kissed and touched could stir up these emotions in him, could make him a complete slave for his passion and lust. If Junsu was to remain the only person in his heart, he would learn to live with his broken heart. He’d rather stay alone for his whole life than replace the memory of Junsu’s kisses with someone else’s.
He smiled a little at Jaejoong’s sleeping form, forming words of gratitude with his lips before he carefully opened the door and left the room, stepping out into the slightly colder hallway. His steps took him down the hall to the living room, he decided to take a snack and maybe watch a little television, trying to fall asleep on the couch. The had rehearsal tomorrow.

What made him stop suddenly was the faint gleam of light on the wall in the living area, warmth spreading over him the closer he got, the flickers of light showing clearly that it were some lit candles. By whom? And why at 4 in the morning? He walked closer and closer to the corner of the wall, pressing his body against it, bending slightly forward to look behind the corner without being seen, pressing his body sideways into the cold stone, grasping it for support.
His hand clamped tight over his mouth, he could suppress his gasp at the last moment. Wide eyed, his body trembling at the sight before him, his hand gripped the wall tighter, pressing against it harder as if trying to blend into it.

His heart was beating faster and faster, hammering in his chest, burning from within, hurting him with the intensity of all the feelings swirling around it at once. He should run, turn around, walk back to his bed, or better, run away, run down the streets, flee in his car to another country, hurl himself down the next cliff, because this sight would never leave his mind again, would enflame his body with passion and lust more than any kiss ever would, more than any fantasy would ever be able to do again.
His hair wet and sticky, his body glistening with sweat under the candles placed around him, his body curved in perfect line, skin shining in gold and bronze, he lay before him, sprawled out on the carpet. Pants pulled down his thighs, barely covering what lay beneath the trail of hair that went down his exposed belly, free from the unbuttoned shirt he wore when sleeping. Both hands were roaming his body, teasing his pink, glistening nipples, brushing past them, caressing them, slightly, moaning and panting under his own touch.

No, Yoochun thought. Not this, not now, not like this. Never before had he seen the other fully, only little parts of exposed skin, a free chest when swimming together, an exposed thigh when exercising, a bare bottom when walking on him changing, but not once in his full glory, his body writhing in pleasure on the floor, rosy with the passion and lust running through his veins, heating not only his blood but also the air around him. Yoochun smelled it, the winter of Junsu’s scent, the sweat and musk of a male body, the sweetness that was so much Junsu, his senses became blurred around him, his eyes watering, his heart weeping in joy and misery.
But he couldn’t take his eyes away. For years he had dreamed this image, fascinated about and dared to imagine himself in the scenario. He stared ahead, gaze firmly locked on the sight, to afraid to blink to miss even the littlest touch and movement, to afraid to breath, to hear his own voice destroy this perfection.

The tip of his erection peaking out from his boxers called to Yoochun, taunting him, mocking him, whispering in his mind, making him shudder. You want me, it called, but you will never feel me, you will never get close enough to satisfy yourself. Watch, watch me and suffer, was all he heard in his head, when Junsu’s hand travelled down his toned chest, the tight muscles of his stomach, every centimetre of skin quivering under the touch, until his hand disappeared beneath the fabric, grasping his erection tightly in his fingers, stroking slowly, carefully, sensually, wet drops glistening at the tip and between his fingers. With every new stroke he pushed his boxers further down, until he was fully revealed to the air and to Yoochun’s eyes.

He pushed his hips up with every stroke, pressing harder against his palm, moaning faintly, forcing down too loud gasps and moans with visible force going through his body. Yoochun watched with fascination, with his heart and soul burning and aching, with his fingers itching, his body shaking, his blood boiling and his breath chocking. He couldn’t help himself, his body was suddenly so foreign to him, so far away from his mind to be controlled, strongly led by desire and the wish to remain in this moment forever. Mimicking Junsu’s movements, Yoochun touched his clothed chest, rubbing his stomach like Junsu did with his other hand, tracing the muscles around his navel, scratching along it with his nails and moaning delighted at the sensation. Yoochun moaned deep in his throat, his other hand disappearing deep in his pyjama pants, stroking his member slowly until the length of his full erection pressed against his palm. From there he continued with the same pace, the same movements Junsu did, stroking first the tip, circling around the sensitive head with his thumb before pressing down the length to it’s base.

He followed the exact same pattern, caressing his skin as Junsu would, watching him closely, synchronizing with the way his fingers curled around his shaft, how his hips thrust up into his hand, his body curving up in the most erotic way Yoochun had ever seen. Even their moans matched in the hot air, gasping, panting with each other.
Before his eyes it was Junsu’s hand around him, his hand on his chest, his body pressed close, their sweat and scents mixing on his skin, their heat growing around them with every movement, every intake of breath. In his mind Junsu was liking his lips for him, inviting him for a kiss, curving his body for him, from the pleasure he received by his hands, from the lust and desire he held for the other. In every moan Yoochun heard his name fall from Junsu’s lips, calling him over, offering his body wholly, fully to the other, he only had to stretch out his hand and take the invitation to run his hands over the heated, glistening skin.

Every sense was fixed on Junsu, he could smell him in the air, taste him under his tongue, when he bit down his lips to prevent his moans, he could hear him pant in the room and sing under his skin. Junsu filled him completely.
The candles around him bathed his body in orange light, his skin shining in warm gold, drops of sweat twirling through the air when he thrust his hips up, threw his head back in a low, growling moan of pleasure and bliss. His moans and pants were music in Yoochun’s ears, heavenly, divine, as beautiful and perfect as his singing, every fiber in his body became alive to these sounds and his heart jumped with blissful joy, all of him responding with a force unknown to him.

In his mind he was over Junsu’s body, his hands roaming the perfect golden skin, tasting it, liking, biting every centimeter on his way, covering his chest in marks and bruises from his teeth. With force his teeth clashed down on his nipple, biting, tugging at it until it turned red and swollen. Junsu’s moans grew louder in his ears as he bit his way down his chest, leaving a trail of dark marks on his taut stomach, feeling every muscle quiver under his touch.
With his hands he pushed his legs apart, thrusting his own body between them, receiving a delightful gasp from the other as their erections touched, brushing against it other reverently, slick and hot. Both moaned in unison when finally Yoochun settled fully between Junsu’s thighs, two fingers circling around his entrance, just to thrust into the writhing body forcefully, repeatedly. Yoochun watched with delight as the other threw back his head and moaned, thrusting his hips back. And without further hesitation he buried himself deep in the willing body underneath him.

With his fantasy still vivid in his mind, all his concentration was fixed forward, his own breathing mixing with Junsu’s, their movements getting frantic and desperate under their pleasure, both moaning with the same voice, their bodies shaking and trembling, thrusting against air in sheer desperation of more contact. It was over too soon.
With a last gasp, head thrown back, lips pressed firmly together, trashing and shaking both reached their peak together in perfect harmony. Junsu’s abdomen coated in white semen, pooling around his navel, running down the lines of his bronze muscles, Yoochun’s hand covered in his own release, his boxers moist, damp, sticking to his skin. With clouded eyes he watched the tension leave Junsu’s body, his hips sinking down completely on the carpet, his fingers twitching on his stomach. Absently he rubbed the sticky fluid on his skin, his chest still rising and falling, panting away the last burning in his veins.

With the passion slowly draining from his body, Yoochun felt the guilt wash over him, felt the weight of his sinful act crash down on his shoulders. Hastily he retreated his hand, cringing at the sticky feeling and the proof of his sinful actions right before his eyes. He had tainted Junsu’s doing by watching, invading him more than ever before just to satisfy his own needs, the devil inside his heart yearning for the other’s touch and taste. He couldn’t help himself.
With the image of white drops spread all over Junsu’s skin, Yoochun lifted his hand, liking his own release from his fingers, yearning for the taste of winter, the fresh and cold feeling of the wind, the deep, strong taste of soil and frozen trees on his tongue. His vision blurred, eyes filling rapidly with tears when he found nothing of it.

He stumbled back, clashing against the wall, cringing at the sound he made tapping over the floor, fast and bold, running, fleeing from the scene and the image burned now in his mind and heart, the sensations imprinted on his skin. When he reached the bathroom door, he locked himself in, crashing down on the floor crying, weeping, sobs racking his whole body. He wasn’t strong enough for this, he couldn’t keep going any longer without his heart bursting from pain. He loved Junsu too much, too deep, too completely to be near him without yearning for his touch, his body close to his. He would taint him if he came to close, he would ravish him, force his kisses on him if he as much as licked his lips.
Maybe Changmin had been right. His love was not pure enough to be enough for Junsu anymore, he couldn’t stand by his side and only love with him with his soul while ignoring the desire in his body.

But why now? Why was it now so hard for him to be the friend for Junsu he had been before? Why were his dreams now filled with heated skin, sweat and moans, when before only flowers, shared tea under blankets and entwined fingers had been enough?
Yoochun knew what was different, he knew deep in his heart why he couldn’t keep up any longer, why his heart cracked more and more with every day he spent with the other. Before his hope had been strong, solid, his believe so strong and embedded in his heart, that he knew one day he would have Junsu, the other would one day come to him and love him equally strong and passionate. With his whole being, deep from his heart Yoochun had believed that.

Now after confessing his love, after being rejected, he felt Junsu slip away from him, his perfect image, the fantasy he had kept in his heart for years, was cracking, fading away. With every day he felt himself lose to a reality he couldn’t face, a future he wouldn’t survive and he struggled against the now inevitable, against the knowledge he would never have Junsu as the one thing he wanted the most. And desperate to obtain his deepest wish, his mind played the same images over and over in his mind, forcing his body and consciousness to act, to do something, to fight for the future he needed for his soul. Even against Junsu’s will.

He cried hard, sobbed anguished at the realization of his desperation, of the measures he would take to get what he wanted, at the ruthlessness he would show even to the person he claimed to love and treasure the most in the whole world.
What had happened to the beautiful, warming love that had bloomed in his heart from the time he had set eyes on his amber angel? When had it turned into this tainted, marred, black fever that consumed his heart, clouded his mind and threatened to destroy the closeness he still had with the other? With pained sobs he cursed his heart, cursed every emotion in his body, praying to whatever god that could hear him to take this foul love from him and protect his angel from the monster Yoochun felt himself becoming.

Next

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 01:40:32 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 9
Wordcount: 5.272
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: overall NC17

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

Yunho knew something was still wrong between his friends, there was tension and unspoken words, he could see it in the way they acted around each other. Changmin refused to even look at Yoochun, Junsu was keeping to himself, he was so silent and serious the whole time. Okay, that could also be because of his cold, he still had a fever now and then but it wasn’t high enough to cause him problems with their schedule. He was still too weak to dance and sing at his usual level, but every day it got better. He took his medicine every day, even though Jaejoong had to remind him sometimes, but overall everything was going better for him.

Yoochun was the worst. Yunho didn’t know why, but when he smiled, he didn’t smile with his whole being anymore, it never reached his eyes. It seemed too fake and forced most of the time, like he was really trying to seem happy and content. Whatever the reason, it must be something big to make Yoochun so melancholic and sad. He was silent, serious, he had snapped at Jaejoong before for mixing up his clothes and washing them at the wrong temperature. Of course he had apologised right after but still, it took a lot to make Yoochun snap. Like he had with Changmin. Yunho still didn’t know the reason for their fight, both didn’t want to talk about it.

And he refused to ask Jaejoong. He knew Yoochun had probably shared with him and he would share it with him as well if Yunho asked, but he wanted to hear it from Yoochun himself. If he didn’t trust Yunho enough to know, then he had to respect that decision. He wasn’t happy with it, he wanted to treat all of his members the same and be a good friend for all of them, but it was obvious that this didn’t work quiet as well as he had hoped. He was closer with Changmin than he was with Yoochun. He was closer with Jaejoong than with any of them, but that had a different reason.
If there was tension inside the group, shouldn’t he be the one responsible for finding a solution? It wasn’t just because he was the leader. He was their friend. He wasn’t the oldest, Jaejoong had just beat him by some weeks, but he had taken the role of the oldest, the one looking after his younger brothers, caring for them, helping them with problems. But how could he do that if they didn’t come and talk to him?

It had been nearly a week now, the atmosphere in the apartment was tense and uncomfortable. Every day when they came home from their schedules, Jaejoong would cook for them, Changmin would sit in the living room, reading a book or playing something on his laptop, Junsu would watch television and Yoochun would sneak away to the working room. And Yunho? He paced around from one room to the other, not sure where he belonged, where he should be, whose side he should take.
They also were still sleeping the same way. Junsu had refused for some odd reason to go back to his bed and give back the room to Jaejoong and Yoochun. He had complained that his bed now smelled like Jaejoong and it was making him uncomfortable sleeping like that. But Jaejoong refused to wash the sheets he had changed just two days before. So Junsu had insisted he kept sleeping in Jaejoong’s bed until the older would wash his sheets.

Right now there were hanging in the living room, waiting to dry. Jaejoong had cursed at the younger for being such a child, but Yunho wondered if he wasn’t glad to sleep in the other room for a little while. Most of the time Changmin was still reading or watching something when he and Jaejoong went to bed, so they changed into their pyjamas and kissed each other good night before sinking into the covers. It was nice, Yunho had to admit, having the other closer than before. They didn’t share a bed or anything, but just being able to watch him sleep, hear him breath, Yunho treasured these things more than he thought he could ever do. He didn’t want Junsu to come back, but that would be totally selfish. Jaejoong and Yoochun needed time alone, that was obvious. Whatever Yoochun’s problem was with Junsu and Changmin, Jaejoong would talk to him and help him.

But maybe one day they could change, maybe one day things would be different from now. They were all still friends, he and Jaejoong hadn’t said anything to the other three. But they probably didn’t need to. Changmin was fast to catch these things, he surely knew by now. And Yunho was sure Jaejoong had spilled at least a little to Yoochun already. Maybe Junsu didn’t know, he really wasn’t the most observant, but his staying in Jaejoong’s bed could have many reasons. Maybe also his knowledge of their fresh relationship.

And that was really what it was. It was still a little strange, foreign and even scary to kiss the other. For his whole life Yunho had thought kissing girls was the normal way, how it should be for a man. His desire had always been the same, he had liked the cute, normal girls, who had long hair but short nails, who wore sneakers instead of high heels, who confused eyeliner and mascara now and then, who preferred jeans over skirts. But Jaejoong was nothing like that.
He was a man, but he was as vain as his sisters, as many girls out in the world were. He would need hours to get ready, half of the time busy in the bathroom, the other in his room searching for the perfect outfit. His shirts and shoes were fancy, hip, the newest trend, his hair was always perfect, his skin showing the matt sheen of his make up. He was vain outside.

But Yunho didn’t mind. He knew Jaejoong felt pressured to do it, to show the world only his perfect face, his cold attitude and charisma. At first it had only been his concept, but soon he had started to lose himself in it and found a way to be different in it, to keep something of his independency in the way he dressed and did his hair. Even before he had started his training, he had been one of many, he had needed something for himself, to show that he indeed was special, not only the only boy among his sisters. And he was still doing it.
Maybe one day Yunho could convince him of his value, how special he was for him, with or without the perfect face and clothes, how much he could shine only from inside, blinding the people who dared to look at him.

For Yunho beauty was something he didn’t think about, he treated everybody the same. Appearance was just that, the outer form of someone. It didn’t show the character or soul of someone, one could be easily fooled by beauty. And because of that he never told Jaejoong that he was beautiful when the other had dressed up for some occasion. He was, sure, but it didn’t matter to Yunho. He had grown fond of the other because he had learned to look past his appearance and see the beauty in his soul. When they had first met, he hadn’t liked the other for some reason. He had been too arrogant for his age, too loud, his temper had been even worse than his own father’s. But the more time they had spend together, the more he had fallen for the other.

He hoped Jaejoong saw him the same way. He knew he wasn’t bad looking, but he wasn’t as elegant as Jaejoong, as charming as Yoochun or as sexy as Junsu. He wasn’t as breathtaking as Changmin, he was too ordinary for that. His face was small, especially his eyes were tiny. His nose and lips were strange, a little too curved in his opinion. And of course his teeth hadn’t been the best. But he still regretted getting them fixed. The teeth he had now weren’t his own, he had exchanged them for this perfect white bleached smile for the wrong reasons. He could understand people who did it for medical reasons, so they could talk or eat better, get rid of pain. But the only thing that had been wrong with his had been the disgust of the world outside when they had looked at them. Thinking back on his decision he regretted not being strong enough to stand up for his wish to keep things the way they had been.

Now it was too late to think about it anymore, but back then the only thing his decision had brought him had been pain, months and months of anguish and tears alone in the bathroom, when he just hadn’t been able to take the throbbing, burning anymore.
He was himself and sometimes he wasn’t perfect. Sometimes you could see the shadow of his beard clearly under the spotlight, sometimes you could see the pores on his face and neck, the scars on his body when he had been reckless as a child. That was him. He was trying to be perfect, while knowing he would never be, that there would always be a flaw on him he wouldn’t be able to erase. He would never be able to please the media, everyone who kept an eye on them every minute of every day.

But he had the time to be imperfect here, inside their apartment. This was the place were he could be as imperfect as he liked, where his hair could be messy, his clothes dirty, his face unwashed or smudged with make up. He loved being normal. He loved being imperfect for once and relaxed with the knowledge that none of his friends really cared. Sometimes Changmin would scold him for looking too much like a homeless stranger, but most of the time he could be how he would be at home with his parents, how he had been since his childhood, feeling comfortable enough to let all his guards down.

Today had been rough and he had been happy to be able to jump under the shower and let his body relax. They had started shooting for a new music video. Sadly they weren’t finished yet, some technical problems with the equipment had forced them to stop for today. It was past midnight already and nobody had been able to chase down a technician at that time. So they had gone home. Tomorrow they would do the rest. It was also better for Junsu. He wasn’t fully well yet, he had been fighting his body much more than the rest of them combined, but he had pulled through, only allowing himself to fall asleep in the car. Even in his breaks he had kept himself awake with coffee, talking to the assistants and camera men who weren’t needed at that time, Yoochun watching over him with hawk’s eyes.

Now was the time to sleep. Changmin had already gone to bed, Junsu and Yoochun had disappeared into their, well for now at least, room. Jaejoong was still in the bathroom, he had lost paper rock scissors and had to wait for all of them to finish.
Yunho still needed to brush his teeth, he had forgotten it when it had been his turn. By the time he had realised it, Yoochun had already closed and locked the door behind him, singing, whistling whatever came to his mind. So he had waited. While waiting he had fallen asleep on the couch, so he also had missed Jaejoong’s turn and was forced to wait again. It was silent in the apartment. As soon as he heard the lock of the bathroom door being turned, he stood up and went down the hall. He knocked softly before he entered, of course he didn’t want to interrupt anything, didn’t want to walk in on the other changing his clothes. But nothing came from inside, so he opened and stepped in.

Jaejoong was standing before the mirror, combing his still wet hair. Droplets of water fell down from the strands, running down his neck, his shoulder, taking their way down his bare chest until they reached the towel wrapped around his body, trapped in it’s fibres. Every drop glittered in the light like little stars in the night sky, only this time their background wasn’t black, but pure, flawless amber. For seconds Yunho stood still and just watched the other silently, amazed at how perfect the other could look when all he had done had been getting out of the shower, his skin wet and shiny, his hair messy and dripping.

It took Jaejoong some moments to notice him, but when he did, he turned around a little, smiling at him. “Forgot something? I thought you were sleeping already like the rest.” Saying this he turned around again, brushing his hair back, placing the comb back on the shelf beside the mirror, then he took his shaving cream from there, applying some of it to his fingers.
Yunho closed the door and watched him, leaning against a small cabinet beside him. “I forgot to brush my teeth. I waited for Yoochun, but fell asleep before he was finished. So I also had to wait for you.” He admitted, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Jaejoong laughed softly, his tongue darting forward, licking his lips. “Well, I’m not finished yet. Be a nice little puppy and wait for your master to finish first.” He joked, before he applied the cream between his fingers to his skin, first drawing circles around his mouth, then his chin, down his throat. Shaving was necessary for all of them, but sometimes Yunho envied the other of his slow growth. Where he had to shave twice Jaejoong was fine with just once. He couldn’t help staring when Jaejoong was finished with the cream and grabbed his razor from the shelf, turning it around a few times, checking for any dirt or something else, before he put it under the water and started his routine.
All of them had been doing it for years now, their technique shaped through constant practise and the example of the others. Yunho laughed when he found he could compare Jaejoong’s way of shaving perfectly to the way he sang on stage.

Jaejoong however, who had no idea what his leader was laughing about, stopped his motions and turned to him. “What’s so funny?” he asked innocently, a little annoyance shining in his eyes. He didn’t like other people commenting what he did, at least not with laughter, praise was always fine with him.
The other just kept smiling and remained silent, annoying Jaejoong only further with it.
“Don’t just stand there, grinning like an idiot. You can do the same in the living room and let me finish this peacefully.” He groaned, rolling his eyes before he faced the mirror and raised his hand again. But he was stopped midair by Yunho’s hand grabbing his wrist. “The way you shave…” he said smiling, pulling Jaejoong around with one motion, pressing his back against the sink with the weight of his own.

With only one step he had closed the distance between them, pressing against Jaejoong, trapping him between his chest and the sink, pushing against his bare chest with his free hand. The other still held his wrist, not too firm, but enough to immobilise his arm for now.
“Are you trying to keep yourself from falling for you?” he asked playfully, their faces just inches away from each other. “You look so cold, so untouchable, you try to be unreachable even for the fans who find themselves dreaming about a night with you.”
It was so true, Jaejoong was always the same when on stage, charismatic but cold, trying to remain a mystery even while he was singing his heart out, pouring every feeling into his voice. Still then, when everybody could catch a glimpse of his inner self, he tried to be unreachable for everyone.

It amused Yunho greatly to see the other try so hard. Everyone had said the same in the beginning, Jaejoong had a very cold image, his first impression on everyone was icy, arrogant, cold, fierce, but the truth was far from it. Jaejoong had just tried too hard to be special, to make himself noticeable beside the other four, be worthy of his place in the middle, because he was someone special. Otherwise shouldn’t the leader be the one in the middle? Jaejoong had asked their management that first when they had arranged their positions. For whatever reason Jaejoong’s attitude hadn’t changed since then.
Yunho didn’t mind. And he also didn’t mind now. He liked the way the other presented himself in public. It made the hearts of their fans beat faster, inspired their fantasies, but they still could see that they would never really, truly have the other. He was, after all, unreachable.

Just not for him. He was the one holding his beloved in his arms, he was where every fangirl wanted, but would never achieve to be. He felt satisfaction and happiness when he thought about that, when he realised that, if compared to everyone else, he was the closest to Jaejoong’s heart. And had been right from the beginning.
“Well, I’m better at it than you are.” He said, baring his teeth, growling softly. “Too bad you couldn’t keep yourself from falling for me~” he whispered, sticking his tongue out in a motion to mock the other, his eyes glistering with amusement.
Yunho smiled in return, pressing his body harder against Jaejoong’s. “Because you love it. And because I love seeing you beg for the attention.” He said with a dangerous undertone that stilled Jaejoong immediately. Yunho wasn’t playing around, well not like he usually did.

A bit lost in the situation he looked at the other, cast a glance to his hand which was still held in a tight grip, the razor still clutched between his fingers. What did the other want?
Yunho wasn’t sure himself what he wanted. The past weeks things had been more than slow between them, it had been a slow bud steady transformation from friends to lovers. They now shared sinful kisses in breaks, both excusing themselves from the set to meet up at the toilet, the held hands in the car, sitting as close together as possible. Before sleeping, they would hold and kiss each other, sometimes caress the other, stroking his back or chest. Yunho loved these little, special moments he could share with Jaejoong, but they were rare.
At their appointments they had to keep their image, pretending to be nothing more than friends. And even in their own apartment they couldn’t be as free as they wanted to be, because the other members were always around them.

Yunho wasn’t ashamed of loving Jaejoong, not in front of his members. But still sometimes in front of himself. Since debut, even before, Jaejoong had looked up to him and sought his advice when problems arose, but now their situation was reversed. He was the one seeking advice, asking to be guided, to be led by the hand into something he had no experience with. He wasn’t absolutely sure about Jaejoong, but judging from his character and the information he had now, he imagined Jaejoong to be a person with a lot of experience. He was sensual, sexy and a tease, a lot of people had their eyes on him, and he was still only human, he must have been with more than one other before him. Yunho on the other hand was the virgin now, now he had to follow Jaejoong, his leader through their relationship. But it was not only the physical aspect, Yunho was a nearly a virgin when it came to love. He had never lost his heart so wholly before.

Carefully he released his hand but grabbed the razor, took it from Jaejoong in the same instant. He didn’t like being helpless, he was used to his role as leader, so it was hard to give up his control when the thing awaiting him was still somewhat scary. But he would try, of course he would try, that was also part of being a leader, wasn’t it? The desire to overcome your own weakness. And it was plainly obvious that Jaejoong was his, that his desire held him captivated.
He didn’t say anything, just turned the razor around and slowly, carefully let it slide down Jaejoong’s cheek, smoothing the skin underneath. The hairs couldn’t resist for long, he felt them give away under the sharp blade. Jaejoong just stared at him for a second, stiff and tense, afraid he might be cut, not because it was Yunho, but because it was so much harder to do this for someone else than for yourself. He waited, anticipating, fearing whatever was to come. Yunho’s eyes were fierce and concentrated, locked on him with intensity.

Why was it suddenly so hot in the bathroom? Yunho felt sweat forming on his back, soaking his shirt, he felt the drops growing on his forehead. Jaejoong’s skin also glistened with moisture, Yunho couldn’t tell if it was still from the shower or his reaction to them being so close. Their bodies touched down to their knees, their forms melting together in perfect harmony.
A simple gesture just like this one made Yunho’s heart beat faster, made his body tingle in anticipation and expectation. He knew he desired the other, he could feel it rush forward from deep in his body. Desire was the same with females and males, his only concern was how to act upon it, how it would be different from lusting for a female. He had experience with that. but Jaejoong clearly didn’t fit that category.
“Tell me about desire, tell me about how you want me.” He asked, hoping to fight off the blush that crept up his cheeks, forcing down his embarrassment with much difficulty. While talking he didn’t stop shaving, turning the razor around and around until most of the cream was whipped away already.

Jaejoong stood still, looking at him with intensity. It was the same for him, his desire for Yunho was painfully obvious, the feelings inside of him were burning, scorching him, but how could he act upon them? How could he approach someone who had no experience, without scaring him?
“You already know lust and passion. It’s not different from when you look at the breasts of a girl you like. You’re insides burn, your skin tingles with the wish to feel, to touch what you are seeing. Your mind is blank, the only thing you feel is the craving in your heart, in every fibre of your body. This is how I feel.” The other said after some time, locking eyes with Yunho.
He wasn’t embarrassed, not really. Of course he felt a little ashamed to admit that he had the same craving for Yunho, that this feeling was not foreign to him, that he had lusted after many boys in the last 10 years, when for Yunho everything was new, when everything was unknown to him yet. Jaejoong wouldn’t be a good teacher, he was sure he would not stand up to Yunho’s expectations, but did the other really need an instructor?

Yunho asked himself the same. Why had he asked? He wanted to know, yes, but what would he do once he knew everything, once Jaejoong had told him everything there was to know? His desire was his, he couldn’t feel Jaejoong’s, wouldn’t know the difference even if he told him. If he couldn’t figure out his own feelings, what he wanted, they would never cross the line still drawn between them.
He had waited for Jaejoong to finish speaking, then he took a towel and cleaned the last foam off his face carefully. He placed the razor back on the shelf, but remained close to Jaejoong’s body. “Your face, your arms… I wonder where else you shave…?” he asked, chewing on his lips nervously. God, why was this so hard? Even with girls he had failed at seduction, being too shy, too embarrassed, too blunt or only plain rude without meaning it, but with Jaejoong it was at least ten times harder, the other male intimidated him in this matter like no one else had before with his eyes and the knowledge he had.

He was anything but a virgin, Yunho suspected that much, but his fear of the other’s superiority was too great to let him ask exactly how far ahead he was. Yunho wanted to catch him, run beside him at the same level but it seemed more than unattainable if he even couldn’t keep his voice from shaking now.
Jaejoong on the other hand was still suspicious, a little overwhelmed with Yunho coming to him, pressing against him, talking like he had always wanted him to sound when addressing him. Sensual, seducing, promising, still a little shaky at the beginning, but still Jaejoong shuddered under the intensity of his words. Yunho hesitated, but with determination he placed his arms around Jaejoong, caressed his back with his fingers, trailing down his spine until he reached the towel around his hips. He stopped, hesitating, licking his lips nervously. This shouldn’t be too hard right?

Suddenly Jaejoong grabbed his arm and pulled his hand forward again. In a matter of seconds he pulled the towel off his hips und guided his hand down, making Yunho gasp and shudder with new sensations.
“I shave here too…” he said smiling, holding Yunho’s hand firmly against himself. “I swear Yunho, your failed attempts at seduction amuse me as much as they excite me. I’d beg you to do it, here, now, right on the floor, in the shower, on the cabinet, wherever you want to, but…” he said smiling, bending forward to kiss his lips, lick along the bottom. “We’ll both have to try harder… I can’t lead you, because I’m too used to being led… you can’t lead me, because you are too clueless about how it would work between us.” He said a little more serious, pressing close to the comfort the other could offer just by being near. “I wish we could… but not like this, not now.”

It didn’t make sense to Yunho and it clearly showed on his face how much he was disapproving with Jaejoong. If both of them wanted more, if they wanted to get closer, feel skin against skin, kiss and taste more of what the other could offer, why should they wait? Now was as good as anytime. He wanted to take it slow, he wanted to wait for a perfect time, a perfect opportunity, but it wasn’t easy in their situation. They were never alone and far too busy most of the time to do anything. And he hadn’t asked for everything yet. Just a little, just a tiny taste to satisfy his curiosity. But maybe that was the point. If these feelings were just coming from his mind, his desire to learn, to experience because he wanted to be more equal to Jaejoong, then it would be for all the wrong reasons.
“I wish you could lead me more. I wish you could forget your fear… I wish I could forget my pride.” He said a little defeated, retracting his hand from Jaejoong. The silk, smooth feeling still tingling on his fingertips.

It was so different, touching another man like he touched himself. Even though he hadn’t reached down all the way, he had felt the smooth area around, bare of any hair, wanting to reach further, to explore what lay behind the little rise of skin he had touched.
Jaejoong took his hand again and with closed eyes he kissed his fingertips. “I want you, only god knows how much I long for your touch. Every time I touch myself I think of your fingers touching me, your palm wrapped around me, stroking and caressing… I can lose myself completely in this fantasy, but I fight because now that I can have you, what pleasure can a fantasy bring?” he laughed a little, kissing his open palm. “I wait for it to happen… but not today, Yunho, not like this, not to satisfy the curious child inside of you.”
He smiled, entwining their fingers, pressing another kiss to his lips. Yunho melted into the touch, kissing him back passionately. He understood. Physical pleasure was nothing compared to the bond they shared now, their mutual feelings of love and trust, the way their souls and heart had reached out for each other, all of this was more valuable then any physical contact could ever be.

Jaejoong knew this already. For him sex didn’t have the same meaning as it had for Yunho until now. And it was good that it didn’t.
“When will we know that we are ready? When will my mind be ready for it? I can’t help being curious, wanting to try it because it’s something new.” Yunho confessed, breaking their kiss only slightly to whisper against Jaejoong’s. He could feel the other smile against his lips, but he remained silent, standing as close to Yunho as he could, fingers entwined, breathing each other’s scent, consuming his heat.
“You will not know… you will feel, Yunho. In your heart. When you look at me and can only see me and you as one, joined not only with our bodies but with our souls as well.” He breathed against his lips in the most sensual whisper Yunho had ever heard. This wasn’t mere speaking, it was crystal singing, stirring up everything in the young singer.

Jaejoong turned his head, snuggling against Yunho’s chest. “It has only been a couple of weeks, Yunho. My heart is still too tender to be messed around with. I want forever with you, hell, I already decided on our forever when I first realised my feelings for you. I made this decision for us already. I spent months dreaming of how you’d confess, how we’d get together, how we’d develop… I need you to play along.” He whispered against his neck.
Yunho smiled, locking Jaejoong tightly in his arms. He really loved this romantic fool. And finally Yunho understood what he had done wrong. Jaejoong wasn’t satisfied with his wooing, he still needed more assurance that Yunho would stay with him, that his feelings were really sincere, that he wouldn’t just use Jaejoong for his body or pleasure. He was still fearing this.

And Yunho knew he was the reason for it. His own insecurity had kept him from accepting Jaejoong’s love for months, nearly a whole year he had ignored him, pretended and finally failed. A whole year had broken Jaejoong’s trust in him. His love was still strong, his desire and passion was equal to Yunho’s, but he wouldn’t take the final step, as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t let himself lose the control he had. He feared falling, crashing.
And Yunho still had done nothing to ease his pain, erase his fear, he was still bound by worry and disappointment.
This time it was up to him to make Jaejoong accept and trust his love for him. Fully.

Next

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:37:29 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 8
Wordcount: 4.799
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: overall NC17

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

It took Junsu exactly 26 hours and 12 minutes to come back. How Yoochun knew? He waited.
His fight with Changmin was over before it really began, the other had decided to first insult him, curse him for punching him, then ignore him, lock himself in one of the working rooms for the rest of the day, he had even wanted to sleep there, taking his pillow and blanket form his bed. Yunho and Jaejoong had talked to him, making him change his mind about sleeping in a chair in front of a desk. But still he refused to leave the working room for the rest of the day, he only came out to take his food with him and to use the bathroom. He never said anything to Yoochun, not even glanced at him when he passed him by.
And Yoochun himself didn’t know what to say. How could he say sorry?

He really was sorry for treating the other like this, for being so violent and harsh when the other had done nothing wrong. But god, it had felt so good to let his anger out, to scream and punch him, to finally let loose everything that had been burning inside of him. Changmin hadn’t deserved this treatment, but Yoochun had felt better afterwards. And this made the situation even worse, because Changmin had kind of sensed Yoochun’s satisfaction. Maybe he had just interpreted it wrong, that it came from the wrong reasons, because he didn’t really know what had happened between him and Junsu in the bathroom.

And that was part of the problem. He himself didn’t know what had happened between them. Everything had been fine, well, as much as possible. Junsu had ignored him for a week, not the friend Yoochun, but he had ignored his confession and refused to act any different than before. And just when Yoochun had begged him to be his again, he had reacted so violently, trashing and cursing, kicking him and running away. Why did his presence, his feelings do that to Junsu? Why did his ‘I love you’ make the other tremble and shiver?
He wanted to give him his heart, he wanted Junsu to accept it, to smile at him and be happy with the knowledge that someone loved him as sincerely, as deep as Yoochun did.

But how could he make the other understand? His feelings ran so deep, had become a permanent part of his body, his heart and soul, sometimes he couldn’t tell what was his and what was Junsu’s doing. When he felt sad or happy, it all was connected to the younger singer, his heart bursting with the desire and longing he held for him, just by looking at him he felt joy and anguish. His world circled around him, there was no day or night without him in his dreams, without his laugh and voice in his ears, making him shiver, making him cry.
He couldn’t stop the tears, he had cried the night Junsu had run away, his tears only drying when the sun reached the horizon, bathing the room in light. Only then he had been able to hold back, to hide his sadness from Jaejoong, who had been trying to convince him to sleep in his bed and not on the couch.

But how could he find sleep in his bed? He needed to be awake, to be close to the entrance door to hear the bell, to jump at the first sound of the familiar ringing to open the door and envelope Junsu with his arms. He couldn’t sleep, he hadn’t been able to. Hours after Changmin had locked himself away, after Yunho had tried to make them talk to each other, after Jaejoong had placed a bowl of ramen in front of him, begging him to at least eat a little, Yoochun had still sat on the couch, going through the different channels, not watching, not listening, his attention on the sounds around him, waiting anxiously for the bell to ring. He even jumped a little by the sound of the bell of the apartment next door, he was straining his ears so hard, it took all the power out of his body.

But he refused to sleep. Even when his eyes fell shut from exhaustion, from the burning sensation of being awake too long, when his head rolled to the side, his thoughts dull and sluggish, he kept himself awake. That night he drank 5 cups of coffee.
In the morning Jaejoong came to him, followed by Yunho, talking to him, making him breakfast, asking him about the fight, about the reason Junsu had left, about the reason he had punched Changmin. But he didn’t answer. What could he say something, when he even didn’t want to acknowledge the reason himself?
He was the reason. It had been his fault it had come to this. But why? What had he done to deserve this heartache and pain?

Was loving Junsu so bad? Was it so sinful and despicable that the other had no other choice but to run away? Didn’t he love him as well, just a tiny bit?
For years Yoochun had believed this, he had seen the way Junsu acted around the others and how he acted around him. Hadn’t that been different? Weren’t the looks he gave him filled with more love than the looks he gave to Jaejoong or Yunho? Wasn’t it different from the way he looked at Changmin? And he was the only one Junsu touched so openly and let himself be touched from on stage, backstage, in their apartment, on the street, before and behind the camera. There was something between them, there had to be!

Yoochun refused to believe that he had been wrong all this time. He knew Junsu loved him, he must love him a little, he surely was just scared right? He knew he would be his first man, he wasn’t sure if he was the first to confess his feelings to him, but he was the first who had kissed him, touched him, held him so dear, Yoochun was sure of that. There was no way Junsu had experience in these things, he was so young, so naïve, so trusting and innocent, his heart was not ready for love. Not for the love Yoochun offered.
He firmly believed it. It just would take time. When he came back he would apologise, embrace him and not let him go until he saw his smile again, until he heard him forgive him for his actions.

For Junsu he would wait forever if he needed to. Now he knew he couldn’t touch him, not yet, the other was not ready. And he would never listen to Changmin again, his advice had done nothing but hurt his beloved, sacred him and made him desperate enough to run away, something Junsu rarely did. Maybe he had punched him because of this. He knew it wasn’t right to blame him, nobody was perfect and Changmin had just advised him to do something, but the action he had done, by himself, by his choice.
But it was so hard to live with the knowledge of hurting Junsu with his actions. He had been the reason for his pain and sadness, only him. He couldn’t comfort the other now, not when he had been the cause for everything. He couldn’t hold him and dry his tears, rock him in a tight embrace and tell him everything would be right again when he woke up. Now he couldn’t do that.

He wanted to, he wanted to be the only one to comfort him, the only one to hold him, how he wished he could be that. But he wouldn’t force himself on the younger again. It was his decision who he let close from now on and Yoochun would have to live with his decision, whatever it might be. But it was so hard, his heart hurt at the thought of never being able to touch him, to hold him, to laugh and joke with him, to be close to him, to share this deep bond with him, that had been with Yoochun as long as he knew Junsu.
The day they had met, fate had chosen them as partners, friends, brothers, lovers for life, for Yoochun there was no one who came close to the younger, no one who could make his heart throb with joy and pain at the same time, no one who controlled his dreams like the other, no one who was around and in him every minute of his life, every second he was conscious.

There was always Junsu in him, the feeling of warmth and closeness only he could offer. Jaejoong might be his soul mate, the closest friend he had since moving to America and coming back, but even Jaejoong didn’t touch so deep in him, couldn’t reach to his core and leave something of himself behind. Only Junsu had been able to do that. And for Yoochun nobody would ever be able to do so from now on, he didn’t want anyone else to claim this spot. And if he ever came close to losing his heart to another, he would gladly carve his heart out of his body by himself and burn it right between his fingers.

But for Yoochun it was clear that he would never feel the same love for someone else that he was feeling now. His heart belonged only to one person. And even if he couldn’t have him, it would not stop him from loving him, giving him his heart and soul unconditionally, freely, without any second thought. His offer would stay, he would wait eternally for Junsu to reach out and accept him. He couldn’t do anything else, if the other was to vanish from his life, what joy, what happiness would be left? He’d rather stay unhappy, his love eternally unfulfilled than be separated from him.

So much for the theory, he had yet to prove it to Junsu, to gain back the trust he had shattered with his actions before. Whatever it took, he would make him believe him again, trust him again, see that he was trying so hard to maintain their relationship, that beautiful friendship which had helped him endure every hardship in his life, just because he knew the other was beside him. It would be hard, his heart would hurt, his soul would crumble under the pressure and pain, but he would pull through, he would stay strong, he would hold himself back. He had to.

After hours of crying, begging, praying to whatever god was above and watching him, he was too tired to do anything else than wait. The second night without any sign from Junsu had begun. It had been late when he had left and now Yoochun was worrying even more. He had left without his coat, without his cell phone, without his wallet, without money, without anything to help him outside, it was just him in the vastness of soul, a city too big, too pulsating, too complex to fully understand and grasp. The thought of Junsu alone in it’s dark streets scared Yoochun. He knew the other was no kid anymore, old enough to know what to do and where to turn if anything was to happen to him, but still, for years they had always been together, wouldn’t he be scared alone now? Wouldn’t he feel alone by himself?

The clock was nearing 3:30 am, the clicking loud, noisy in the otherwise silent apartment. The other three were sleeping already. Changmin had been the first to go to sleep, after eating dinner he had went to bed without saying good night to any of them. Yunho and Jaejoong had talked to him a bit before getting to bed themselves, Jaejoong being so nice to say he’d sleep with Yunho and Changmin to let Yoochun have the room for himself.
It was a nice gesture, Jaejoong knew Yoochun preferred to cry alone, to have the time to think over everything, to be alone with his pain and deal with it, so he had offered a little privacy for him, hoping Yoochun would choose to sleep in his bed this time rather than stay awake on the couch. But he couldn’t

Roughly an hour ago, when his eyes had started hurting again, when he had felt his body give into it’s exhaustion, he had turned out the lights and sat down with another cup of coffee to keep himself awake. He hadn’t slept the last night, only falling asleep for minutes between worrying and crying, now was the same. His body was tired, his mind was tired, but he was too stubborn to give into his needs. Not yet.
Junsu was gone for nearly 30 hours now, he had to stay awake and wait for him. They had a schedule to do, today had been their only free day. And all of them had spent it worrying about their missing friend, when it should have been a relaxing day, filled with nonsense and laughter, with eating out or shopping, with an evening spent in a big heap of bodies pressed together on the couch, watching a movie and eating ice cream.
Tomorrow they would fall into their routine once again, rushing from one appointment to the other, wearing out their bodies and souls with work and stress.

When the clock reached minute 1572 since Junsu’s departure, Yoochun suddenly felt something hit his senses. It wasn’t a smell or some sound from somewhere, no shadow in front of his eyes, no smell or taste in the air around him, but something was different. He knew it. He felt it with his whole body. Was it true? Could it really be? Was his body playing a trick on him? Slowly he rose from the couch, took some steps towards the front door. Had there been a sound? Was he doing crazy now? He was tired, his mind at body at their limit, he must imagine things. It was too dark to see in the room, the hall was also dark, there was only the light of the city shining through the window. Maybe he should take a look, just to make sure. He couldn’t sleep anyway and it would only take some moments to open the door and check.

He didn’t want to disappoint his heart, which was wishing with all it’s power to find any hint of Junsu’s return behind the door, but he had been disappointed a lot today by the ringing phone, the postman bringing their post, by Yunho who had left unnoticed to bring home their dinner. What was a new slash added to his heart anyway?
Sighing he went down the hall to the front door, turning the key around, opening it slowly, fully and looked outside. The light was turned off, it was silent, depressing to watch and see his hope crumble again. But just for seconds.
When he looked down, he first saw the shoes, the white unnaturally bright in the darkness, then the mess of limbs huddled together at the wall beside the door, a body hugging itself so tight Yoochun couldn’t make out where he started and where stopped, his shape blurred together before his eyes.

Wordlessly he dropped to his knees instantly, crying with the sight, pulling the other into his arms forcefully, pulling and pushing deeper, stronger, harder, as if to meld him into him, make them one being. He cried his name in his heart, screaming loud and anguished, shaking with the force of his feelings overwhelming him. Endless hours apart seemed like years, like a whole lifetime separated, longing for the other, wishing, begging for his safe return. Yoochun cried against his shoulder, clutching at him tightly, not letting go, never letting go again. He wouldn’t survive without the other again, he would fall apart beneath, underneath him, trampled on and trashed away, but he didn’t care. Not now, not when he finally had him back safe in his arms.
He wanted to tell him so, welcome him back, be the friend for him he needed, the friend Junsu wanted, the friend he had always been, but his lips couldn’t form the words, his voice couldn’t force out the sounds, there was only sobbing. Quiet and heart wrenching.

Junsu didn’t move, he stayed silent and unmoving, not hugging back, not saying anything, just immobile and stiff. The embrace was so alien, so unlike every other they had shared before, what they were used to, Yoochun shuddered with the sensation, with the knowledge that it might not be okay, that things might not be okay again, that something irreplaceable was lost between them. He only cried harder at this, hugging the other fiercely, hurting both of them with his action.
He couldn’t accept this, he wouldn’t let the other drift away from him. Whatever he had to do to turn back time, he would do it, whatever price he had to pay, he would pay it willingly, smiling while he offered everything he had. For Junsu there was nothing he wouldn’t sacrifice, just please, he begged, let there be the chance for me to apologise and make him happy again.

A stranger in his arms, Yoochun turned away from the other, away from the burning, aching sensation in his heart, the pain of it breaking, cracking, falling apart beneath his chest. But still, he needed to try to make it better, if not for himself then for the other, who had felt enough pain and fear to run away. He was the one who needed care and comfort now.
Forcing a smile he turned to him again, looking at him for the first time in 30 hours, frowning at the sight that greeted him, eyes wide, gasping.
Ashen skin, dull eyes, trembling lips, the trace of tears dried on his cheeks, forcing in and out his breath, staggered, faint. “Junsu? he asked faintly, shaking him a little, but his eyes were not really focused on him, as if he had just been woken up. Carefully he laid a hand against his forehead and gasped at his flaming skin. “God, you’re burning!” he gasped fearful, staggering to his feet instantly, dragging the other with him.

Pulling him to his feet, dragging him away into the apartment, moaning while moving, crying out, they stumbled, falling over, crashing to the floor. Yoochun cried, Junsu just looked at him, lying on top of him, still held secure in his arms, as if seeing him finally for the first time, he smiled a little, sad and apologising. “Sorry for making you cry…” he rasped, his voice hoarse and faint, so much worse than before.
Yoochun shook his head violently, refusing to accept his state, accept that he was the reason, the person who had caused his horrible condition. And his smile only pierced and stabbed his already torn heart painfully. With as much strength as he could muster, he dragged both of them through the hall, almost carrying the other completely to his room, putting him in his bed, gathering all the blankets from him and Jaejoong, putting them around the other’s frame.

God, what had he done to the other? Had he been running around the whole time on the streets, without his jacket, too afraid to come back home because of him? His body was burning, his eyes dull and glazed, weak and trembling. How long had he been sitting outside of their door? Yoochun didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to help him. It was probably for the best if he made tea for him first, he surely hadn’t taken any of his medicine the whole day, he needed it to get better. If he could. His voice shook Yoochun, chilled him down to his core, forcing the tears back into his eyes. Junsu should never sound like this, his voice should never be so marred with sickness, with the thickness of disease and emotion. He sounded so sorry and frail. Why was he the one apologising? Shouldn’t Yoochun be the one on his knees, begging before the other? With one last glance at Junsu weak form under the blankets he fled to the kitchen, crying silently as he filled a pot with water, boiling it. With blurred vision he took a cup from the cupboard, knocking over another with his arm, preparing tea and other things to take back to his room.

He placed the cup, the pills, tissues and a wet cloth on a tablet, balancing everything back from the kitchen to his and Jaejoong’s bedroom. He should have looked after the younger better, it was his fault he was even sicker now. What about tomorrow? Didn’t they have an interview, didn’t they need to practise for the award shows next month, didn’t they need to record the new single and film the MV to it? How could Junsu manage that in his condition?
Yoochun felt guilt flowing through him, the pain of letting his most beloved person down, for failing his other friends, when he should have taken more responsibility. He was not much younger than Yunho and Jaejoong, but he felt so much younger, so much more naïve and irresponsible. He needed to take care of this mess, at least this once.

He gasped again, as he opened the door to his room and found Junsu crashing against him, flying into his arms. The tablet was knocked over, the tea spilled over the floor, the cup shattered against the wall, then silence. He just stood there, unprepared, shocked, scared and confused. Junsu clutched at him, fingers digging painfully into his back. He was breathing heavy, his shirt was gone, as was his jeans, he was standing against him in tank top and shorts, pressing his body fully against the other, his breath unsteady and shallow.
Yoochun closed his eyes against his tears, placing his shaking arms around him, hugging him tightly, shaking just as much. His heart was hurting, his soul was screaming, burning deep within him. Was that it? Could he hope? Would he be forgiven? The other allowed to touch him, embrace him, hold him close. But was he really forgiven? And what direction would their relationship take now?

Would Junsu try to ignore everything that had happened? Would he ask the same of Yoochun? To pretend some things hadn’t happened between them, that everything was still the way it used to be, that they were still the best friend for each other? How could he ask, how to approach the other about it. He wanted, no, he needed to know. The pain in his heart was unbearable, it hurt, it burned, it engulfed him in pain and anguish like nothing else could. Uncertainty was the worst. If he knew what to expect, the pain would be easier to handle. If he knew Junsu rejected him, he could work on moving on, on healing his torn heart and battered soul.

But he could only remain silent, clutching Junsu as tight as he did him, the feeling of his too hot body against his own was foreign and unsettling, but it also gave him the reassurance that he was really here with him, that he had finally returned home.
Junsu suddenly took some steps back, pulling Yoochun along with him, not with much strength, but his motion showed he wanted him to follow. And he did. With careful steps he guided them both to the bed, letting Junsu sink into the covers once again. But the younger refused to let him go, grabbing his wrist he pulled him down against him, not letting go, not letting him get away again, only satisfied when Yoochun settled beside him, lying down in his bed beside him under the covers, holding his body in a tight embrace. Junsu’s arms around him, Yoochun’s arms around him, he came closer, pressing his body against the other, his head against Yoochun’s chest, hiding.

“I’m sorry…” he rasped again with his bruised voice, so unlike Junsu, so alien it brought again tears to Yoochun’s eyes. “I’m sorry I ran away…” he sobbed faintly against his shirt.
Yoochun held on tighter, drawing soothing circles on his back, the heat burning even through his top. His fever was high, his body was weak, his voice nearly robbed away from him, but the only thing Yoochun could do was hold him. And the guilt wouldn’t leave him. His heart ached with the other, his only wish had been for him to get better and now he was worse than ever before, to weak to even hold him properly, his arms were just lying around him, his legs trapped between Yoochun’s. It was breaking his heart more and more with every second. Every moment now he would be able to hear it shatter completely.

He closed his eyes, tears spilling over his cheeks, forcing back the sobs that threatened to escape him. This time he had to be the strong one. It was so rare for Junsu to cry, it took everything in Yoochun with him, pulling him down into the same abyss of sadness, pushing him down the same path of agony. But today he wanted, he needed to give him back the strength he had robbed from him.
“It’s okay… I’m the one who should apologise to you… I’m so sorry, Junsu… so sorry…” he forced out through clenched teeth, fighting tears and sobs and the shaking of his body, the trembling in his arms around Junsu’s shaky form.

But he only shook his head against his chest, sobbing louder. “I’m sorry I made you this way… I’m sorry I’m not who you need…” Junsu answered with shaking voice. “Don’t love me Yoochun, don’t let these feelings… don’t let me hurt you…” he whispered.

Yoochun shook his head, crying hard but silently, every teardrop landing in the mahogany hair against him. “It hurts loving you… but it would devastate me to lose this feeling…” he whispered, placing a kiss in his hair which still smelled so much of his beloved vanilla shampoo and the soothing scent of winter that belonged only to Junsu. “Loving you has made me alive… take that from me and you’ll kill me.” he confessed a little stronger.
He could pretend not to love the other, to only treat him as a friend, not kiss or touch him the way he wanted to. He could. But he couldn’t stop loving him, he wouldn’t. This feeling was his joy, a part of his soul, of his being, without it he couldn’t exist anymore. His love for Kim Junsu was part of what made him Park Yoochun. In his past, present and future.

“I need you to be my friend… like before… “ he sobbed faintly, nearly inaudible, muffled against his shirt.
The sound of his shattered heart was lost to Yoochun, he had already tried to prepare himself for the inevitable. This was their truth, this was what fate had in store for him. For years to come he would lick his own wounds, thinking back on the day that destroyed a part of him that would never heal, never be replaced by anyone else. It hurt being rejected. It hurt more than he wanted to admit. But still, he would never abandon the other, he would stay at his side. And love him silently, unnoticed, only in his heart like all the years before.

Breathing deeply, pressing his eyes tightly together he gathered his last strength to reassure the younger and himself that everything would be fine again.
“I will always be your friend, but my heart will never stop loving you.” even though he forced his sobs down, willed his voice to be steady and strong, the tears fell in rivers, his willpower wasn’t enough to stop them. “Since the first time we met, I have loved you… and all this years I have been your friend… without ever saying anything. Don’t ask me to stop loving you… I can’t, I won’t.” he stopped, shaking with his emotions, the pain that spread through his body. It wasn’t only his heart, his body hurt as well with every word leaving his lips. Every word was a stab into his heart, cutting his heart and soul into pieces.
“The friend you need… isn’t gone, he is still here. I’m still the same as last week, last month, last year. Don’t worry, baby, from tomorrow on I will be the Yoochun you want again.”
Even if it destroyed him, he was determined to give it his all.

Next

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 23:05:43 GMT

I have to admit it... I'm stuck!
for the past two days I'm trying to start the new chapter, to get Chun and Min talking to each other (and we see they should, Yoochun did hit him and Changmin isn't the type of person to let that go by unpunished right?)
But... I started three times, always a different beginning, but I never made it past the first page before deleting it all again. What should I do?
I wanted to get at least one chapter done before christmas, because from then I might be busy until new years and not be able to write anything.
But this chapter is giving me headaches! What should i do?
My mind is further already, I started dreaming up Yoochun and Junsu making up/fighting because of the issue. But my Yoomin muse will not hit me when I need her...
the setting and everything is all planned out, but when writing it down, it seems so... hollow and fake... I don't know if I will be able to finish the chap before the 24th... *sigh*
someone any sort of advice?

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:42:36 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 7
Wordcount: 5.645
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: NC17 (not for this chapter, but decided to raise it for the whole fic)

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

Life wasn’t fair, had never been for him. He tried so hard to please everyone, to make up for every time he failed or was wrong, but how could he overcome his problem now? He couldn’t just tell his body to get well again. With his mind he was already fighting his sickness, he told himself every night before he went to sleep, that he would wake up well and healthy again, that this cold would disappear throughout the night. But it never happened. For a week now he was struck with this cold, the coughs were getting worse, as was his overall condition. He was sweating more and more if he only jogged a little, just taking the stairs made him breathless. For days now he had a headache he couldn’t get rid off, even though he already had medicine for it. He couldn’t sleep at night, he would wander around the apartment and watch television or read a book, surf the net for hours before he finally fell asleep on the couch.

To his luck nobody had found him yet at night lying in the living room. Mostly around 4 he woke up again and went back to his bed, turning and trashing around for the next two hours, not being able to fall asleep again. And if he did, he woke up every 15 minutes, sweating and coughing. The worst part was, they couldn’t cancel anything right now, they had so much to do before the new single was released, they had so many interviews and photo shoots. He couldn’t miss a single one of them. But it was hard. Especially the interviews. All the time he was trying his best to hold back his coughs, to just sit there and wait for his chance to let it all out. But not in front of anyone. He would always sneak away to the toilet and release all the tension from his throat there.

Because of this his throat hurt every time he spoke, singing was not possible. How could he manage their schedules after the single was released? He would need to sing then, but in his current condition that was impossible. Yunho had already contacted their management and asked for at least one or two days off, so he could rest and get better. He hoped they would grant him that pause. He was trying his best, he really was, he didn’t want to rest, he knew how important every appointment was, but his body did not agree with him. And at least for once he would need to listen to it. Everyone around him knew they couldn’t do shows or lives with his voice like this, his voice was off and if he sang he would only hurt his throat more by it. A little rest was the best.

But why did he feel like he had let the others down? It had been his fault after all. If he hadn’t been sleeping on the balcony for hours, he would still be well and ready for everything, but because he had been too lazy to leave right away, he had eventually fallen asleep in the cold November air. And now he had to pay for that.
Even though the other hadn’t said anything about it, he felt that Yoochun also blamed himself a little for it, because he hadn’t come back later and checked on him. The same with Yunho. They shared a room, but Yunho hadn’t worried too much when he had gone to bed and Junsu hadn’t been there. But now he blamed himself a little.

Junsu was grateful for his friends, really, they were doing their best to help him. They had to do some interviews and every time the reporter had directed a question at him, the others had joked about something and sneakily answered the question themselves, so Junsu only had to nod and confirm it most of the time. They were helping him a lot.
Also Yoochun was always by his side, carrying around his medicine, because he had the tendency to forget to take it, so Yoochun would always remind him, offering the pills and the water to take them with. He was like a mother caring for her child. And in a way it was really nice to have him around. He could depend on him, he was always around, always carrying what the other needed, like tissues or spray for his nose.

He would also make sure he always had a scarf and a cap to protect himself from the cold wind outside. They had done an interview and needed to get back quickly for a photo shoot for a magazine, so they had been rushing out after everything was finished, because time was running short, but Junsu had forgotten his scarf in the building. Rather than running back and getting it, without words Yoochun had took off his and wrapped it around Junsu’s neck, advising him to not forget this one too, because he didn’t have a spare one with him.
Junsu had smiled faintly, enjoying the attention and pampering he received from the elder. He didn’t like being sick, but he didn’t mind the attention and care he received in this state. Yoochun was really a great friend in that matter, he would take care of him but never be annoying because he did too much. Yoochun knew the right amount, the time when to care for him and when to leave him alone.

Junsu was really grateful for that. But he still felt guilty. Especially because he couldn’t get better. For days now he had been taken his medication, but it only got worse and worse. Why? He didn’t know, but his coughs were more violent, more frequent now, his throat was hurting now by only swallowing, singing was nearly impossible now. He tried, he really did, he wanted to get better, but something clearly wouldn’t let him. How would he be able to do the promotion for the next single?
Yunho had showed them their schedule for the next two months, it was packed with interviews and performances on TV shows and radio, how could he pull through with that? Okay, maybe he didn’t have to worry about the stuff in two months, but what about next week? They were also scheduled to go to Japan for different activities and December was the month with the most award shows, they would need to start practising for them soon. But because of his cold he couldn’t dance through a whole song anymore, let alone sing at the same time.

Sweat would pour from his body after not more than 30 seconds, coughs would threat to escape him every second, that was just impossible. But how to get better?
Maybe he needed to wait. Tomorrow he would have a day off, Yunho had done his best to reschedule a photo shoot to let Junsu rest, he had talked with their management and arranged everything. And Junsu was more than grateful. He would use his time and stay in bed, eat and drink a lot to get back his strength and try to sleep it off, that should help. Thinking that he walked down the stairs to get down to the car that would take them home.

It was late, he felt really tired right now and therefore fell asleep as soon as he sat down comfortably in the car to get home. He awoke again when the car pulled into their parking lot at the apartment. A little confused he looked around, his seatbelt fastened around him, even though he couldn’t remember ever doing it himself. The same moment he realised that, he coughed again, his throat hurting with every intake of breath, his whole body shook with them, but he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t will himself to calm down again. His hands were shaking, tears spilled from his eyes with the force of his body shaking. Hastily he jumped out of the car, running up the stairs to their apartment. He was the first to enter, stripping of his coat and shoes he fled to the bathroom, crashing down on the floor beside the sink, coughing, shaking, crying.

It was always the same. As soon as he fell asleep for more than ten minute, he would have this coughing attack as soon as he woke up. It was putting even more pressure on his throat, which had always been sensitive since puberty and had caused Junsu problems more than once. And in these kind of situations the fear of losing his voice came back. He was losing it now due to the cold, but what if the pressure got too much for his throat to take, what would happen then? Would it be the same like years ago, when he had been fighting for his dream to become a singer? Would he yet again be challenged by his body?
He hated not knowing what to do. Still crying from the pain and stress he sat there in the bathroom, hugging himself, sobbing faint, but miserably. It didn’t take long for Yoochun to enter the bathroom and find him in this position. Without words he sat down beside him, cradling him in his arms, rocking back and forth, caressing his hair. While whispering soothing words to him, he hugged the other tight. Junsu didn’t know why Yoochun was always there for him, how he would always be with him when he needed him, how the other always seemed to know what he needed. Still, he hated showing his weak side in front of him, but rather than one of the other three, he wanted Yoochun to soothe and comfort him. If it was Yoochun, he accepted being weak and showing it to him.

Yoochun seemed to understand the situation, he rubbed Junsu’s back slightly, not putting too much pressure in it.
“Did you take your medicine already?” he asked, bending forward to look into his eyes, concern and worry clearly visible on his face.
Junsu felt bad for making him worry. “No, not yet. It was just another attack, because I fell asleep in the car. It’s over now.” he said, smiling a little. His throat still hurt, his voice was raw, rough from the struggle before, his words faint in the bathroom.
Yoochun nodded, continuing to rub his back caringly. They sat in this position for some time, both silent, taking in the warmth and comfort the other offered, Junsu calming down again and Yoochun losing his anxiety.

Relaxing against the other, Junsu closed his eyes, breathing in his unique scent, the cologne mixed with the natural scent that was Park Yoochun. He had never thought much about it, but he liked how the other smelled. Yunho smelled too manly for him, too rich and moist. Not that it was unpleasant, he didn’t smell bad, but it was too strong for Junsu. Jaejoong’s on the other hand was too faint, too light to really notice if you weren’t practically inhaling it right from his skin. It was a mixture between camellia and paper, something Junsu had never smelled before, but very hard to notice. Even when he was sweating the smell was still very faint. Changmin smelled normal, like Junsu imagined every person to smell. Like earth, soil, heavy but pleasant in it’s own way.
Yoochun on the other hand smelled like rain and grass, light and soothing, a mix of flower scent thrown in, but that was probably due to his cologne. He liked the smell.

Junsu didn’t know what he smelled like, he just hoped it wasn’t too unpleasant for the other. He had been sweating a lot in the studio underneath the spotlights and had probably also done so in the car. He was still wearing his vest and the shirt underneath, even though it was quite warm in the bathroom. He surely must smell a little by now. Feeling a little uncomfortable and embarrassed, he tried to free himself from Yoochun’s embrace. But the other didn’t let him.
“Sorry, I’ve been sweating a lot today, I must smell a little by now…” he said, colour rising to his cheeks, clearing his throat a little.
Yoochun smiled first, then laughed faintly. “You don’t. You smell nice, finally like yourself again and not like the make up and cologne, which you always tend to apply too much.” he said, ruffling his hair playfully.

This didn’t help him much. So he did smell then, just that Yoochun didn’t care enough to be bothered by it. Maybe it had been different for the other members or the reporters, the MC’s they had met today. No, this was not helping at all.
The disappointment must have shown on his face, because Yoochun turned his head around to look at him. “Hey, stop it with that face. You’re fine, don’t worry.”
Junsu sighed, looking into his eyes and just nodded. There was no point in arguing with Yoochun now, he would not give in and always assure him that his smell wasn’t bad. That was Yoochun. And honestly, Junsu didn’t mind being wrong sometimes. As much as he hated losing in games, losing like this to Yoochun wasn’t half as bad. But still he was curious. Even before starting in this business he had been very conscious about his appearance, about his looks and this included his smell as well. He did use cologne a lot when he went out, he didn’t want people to be grossed out by him, because he was known to sweat a lot when nervous or moving around.

While on stage he would always give his best, dancing until his body gave out, singing until his throat stung from the power he had used. He hated being backstage after a concert, without the shower, running around all the people. If possible he tried to avoid them, never getting too close and even running away a little when people tried to approach him. He just wanted to know if he really needed to do that or if he was just exaggerating.
“What do I smell like?” he asked Yoochun, looking at him with a curious expression.
Taken aback by the question, the other stared at him for some seconds, then looking down to the floor he thought about it, finally smiling a little. “You smell like stones and wood. You know, like a forest you enter in winter, everything is fresh and cold, there are no flowers or grass anymore, but the stones and wood smell so strong and rich, you can’t help feeling this freshness as well. It’s different from spring, when all the new grass and flowers come out, when the trees awake again, that’s a total different freshness. But I like the one in winter much better.”

Junsu laughed at his explanation. So he smelled like a forest in winter? That was a new description, he had never heard someone say something similar. But maybe it was true, he trusted Yoochun with his judgement, the other knew him long enough. The only person Junsu would trust more was his twin brother, but that was understandable, wasn’t it? Out of all his friends, he considered Yoochun the closest, the one who knew the most about him. So, he smelled like a forest in winter. Okay, that wasn’t so bad.
Yoochun also laughed at his expression, poking him slightly. “What are you laughing at?”
“Never heard someone use that description to define the smell of someone, that’s all. But I think it suits me, I was born in winter after all.” he said smiling, nudging the other a little.

This was perfect, this was how it always should be between them. Yoochun was his best friend, he could make him laugh and smile in every situation, he was always there for him when he needed him, they were most comfortable around each other. Junsu didn’t mind taking off his clothes in front of him, didn’t mind not looking his best, showing him his weak sides and habits he wasn’t very proud of. With Yoochun everything was just fine. Like now. he felt horrible for letting the others down with his sickness, but still Yoochun managed to make him smile and feel better about the situation. It was really great to have him around. Sometimes Junsu felt he didn’t thank him enough for being the great friend he was. And when he thought about it he felt bad, he should do more for the other in return. Normally it was Yoochun who did everything. When had been the last time Yoochun had been sick? And what had Junsu done that time for him? He couldn’t even remember.

When Yoochun missed his friends in America, was Junsu always around to cheer him up? Probably not. When Yoochun wasn’t feeling good due to stress or exhaustion, could Junsu always find the right words to cheer him up, to make him pull through with it and not give up? Unlikely. Compared to Yoochun he felt like a really bad friend, like someone who wasn’t able to take the weight from someone’s shoulders, not able to help them carry their loud. He should try more. Well, he always told himself that, but it was hard to archive for him. He wasn’t as strong as Yoochun, he always needed someone assuring him he did good, otherwise he wouldn’t believe it. Yoochun was that person for him, but what could he be for the other? He knew Yoochun was content with only a little, he didn’t need people around him 24/7 to feel loved and not alone, only sometimes he would seek the company of his friends, usually he preferred to stay alone, even in their apartment he sometimes disappeared to his bedroom or working room and didn’t come out for hours. Maybe Yoochun didn’t really need him the way Junsu needed him. Maybe.

He would think about it again when Yoochun wasn’t feeling well or ill, than he could try to give something back from what he had received from the other. Now he was content with being here in Yoochun’s arms, like the world around them didn’t matter as much as he felt every day, the pressure of standing in the spotlight, being a known celebrity all over Asia, loved and cherished by thousands of fans and at the same time misunderstood by them. He had to focus on getting well first.
“I should take my medicine…” he muttered, freeing himself from Yoochun’s arms and standing up to get the pills which were probably still in the kitchen.
Yoochun was surprised, startled he jerked up, letting the other lose, but at the same time he tried to get his feet, he nearly rolled over, grabbing the sink with one hand and Junsu with the other. Junsu, who was also grabbing the sink to steady himself, slipped on the floor because of the sudden impact of Yoochun, who grabbed his waist to hold himself up. He tumbled, falling over, not able to hold unto the sink. Out of reflex Yoochun caught his vest to hold him, the buttons flew loose and both crashed to the floor and onto each other.

Junsu cried out painfully as a part of Yoochun landed on his ankle, Yoochun yelped because his arm was caught under Junsu’s torso. It hurt, the floor was hard and their fall had anything but pleasant. Junsu’s couldn’t see anything, his head was spinning, probably from standing up too fast and falling down again. He could feel Yoochun’s hands on his body, their legs entangled, it was hot, but on the same time cold where they touched the floor. He heard groans come from the other and his own little whimpers joining him. Parts of his body were hurting, others were perfectly fine, but still his head was spinning, his heart was beating wildly, like he had finished a marathon just seconds ago.
Slowly he opened his eyes again, the world outside was a shapeless big mess of grey and faint colours, but slowly everything turned to it’s right shape again, the colours getting brighter and sharper. He turned his head around, Yoochun was lying beside him, his arms around him and vice versa, he was blinking rapidly, still groaning a little, frowning, biting his lips.

He returned Junsu’s gaze questioningly as if not realising yet what had happened. Junsu was relieved that he seemed fine, they could’ve hurt themselves pretty bad with this, but apart from a slight ache in his ankle and back, Junsu himself was fine. He suddenly had a headache, but it was not to intense yet, just a faint thump in the back of his head.
For a second Yoochun looked around them. “Are you okay?” he asked worried, still from his lying position checking the other of any injuries.
“I’m fine…” he answered, nervously liking his lips. Suddenly being so close to the other made his heart beat faster than it already did, made him hot and embarrassed, his cheeks were turning red slightly. The hands, which were still buried in Yoochun’s shirt at his back, shook along with his body. What was wrong with him? They had just fallen down and landed on each other, nothing serious, it was something that happened every day.

Especially if you had a clumsy friend like him, he sometimes couldn’t help slipping and fallen, Yoochun was used to that by now. He shouldn’t feel like this in the presence of his best friend, someone who was as close to him as his brother, this wasn’t right. He had never felt so helpless before, things had never been awkward before in these kind of situations. Before he would have laughed and blamed Yoochun for their fall and the other would’ve hit him playfully and accused him of being clumsy and a klutz. That’s how it should be. Why wasn’t it the same now?
Why was he gazing into Yoochun’s eyes, glancing at his lips every now and then, immobilised, captured, silent, not able to tear himself away? What was wrong with him? Things shouldn’t be like, he couldn’t let it get awkward between them, he needed his friend Yoochun at his side, he needed something stable, like it had been all this years. Their life was anything but stable, he needed something he could always rely on, something that would not change with their appearance, their friends, their schedules, their homes, their weekly flights back and froth from Korea and Japan. He needed Yoochun for this.

But now, all the feelings came back, everything he had been forced to face since Jaejoong and Changmin’s fight one week ago. It wasn’t the same anymore. For a week he had pretended everything was just the same. Deep in his heart he knew it was wrong, that he at least owned Yoochun that much, to think about and consider it sincerely, but he hadn’t been able to. Why should they change something that worked so well, had proven to work well for years now? Their relationship was great, even though Junsu sometimes felt jealous or dissatisfied when comparing it to he others, but wasn’t it better to have what they used to have all this years than take the risk to destroy everything with fleeting feelings? He really believed that.
He hated to admit it, but he knew Yoochun used to be a playboy, the other had told him about his friends, especially girlfriends, in America and how he had been back then. Junsu knew Yoochun’s heart had been fickle, giving and taking his love to his liking. Wouldn’t it be the same for Junsu some day?

He didn’t know, he couldn’t know. These feelings scared him. The way Yoochun had spoken about them scared him. What did the other know about his feelings anyway? He had insisted he could love only Junsu like he did now and implied that the other could also only do the same. How should he know that? The person to decide his feelings was still Junsu himself, not Yoochun, who planted the seed of doubt in his heart by telling him Junsu’s soul was screaming for him as much as his did. That wasn’t true.
But still Yoochun had put so much pressure on him, basically telling him he was the love of his life and no other could ever take that spot. And he expected Junsu to take that position one day. But what if he did and the other was wrong? What if they decided to try it and then failed? What then? Wouldn’t their friendship be ruined? Would they even be able to bear being in the same group? What would happen to DBSK and their dream? How could Yoochun sacrifice that so easily?

He closed his eyes, breathing heavily from his thoughts, from the feelings he tried to suppress. No, this wasn’t right, they shouldn’t do something like that. He loved the other, he did, deep from his heart, he was his best friend, someone he had always missed in his life until they had met, but he couldn’t be the lover Yoochun wished for. Hell, he didn’t even know how to kiss properly, he knew nothing about these things. He was scared and he was unsure, he felt pressured and pushed around by Yoochun and his own feelings. No, nothing good could come out of this. He couldn’t stand up to Yoochun’s expectations, he wasn’t as perfect as the other thought. He surely wasn’t meant for the other. If he was even too scared to touch him, to kiss him, how could he be the other part of Yoochun’s soul like the older had insisted he was?

He was shocked to suddenly feel lips pressing against his own, the warmth of the other’s body pressing against his. The hands on his back pulled him closer, tight against his form with no intend to let him go again. For the first seconds he was still, unmoving, eyes wide and scared, clutching his back tighter. No, this wasn’t right, they shouldn’t be doing this! Why did he kiss him? Why did he force his feelings on him in the first place? Junsu had never asked to be loved by him. He had wanted to be someone special, but now, when he was someone special, the special someone for Yoochun, all he wanted to do was run. He knew how to run, he knew how to hide, how to make himself invisible, he had been good ad hiding as a kid, but he knew nothing about love.
How could Yoochun be so certain it was really Junsu he loved? What if he met a nice girl the next day and fell in love with her, what then? What if he got closer to another celebrity they met on their schedules, falling for him, what then?

He didn’t want to fall into the abyss that Yoochun was, he didn’t want to give up his control, didn’t want to lose himself in something he didn’t understand, something he was scared of. But his body and mind didn’t agree with each other on that. Everything in him screamed to run, to shove the other away, but his body only clutched the other tighter, moved closer, until also his lips opened or him and for the first time their tongues met. The first real kiss.
It was nothing like kissing a girl, it was rougher and harder, Yoochun’s lips were soft but unyielding, hot, wet, and as sweet as his scent. He could taste the grass and the rain on his lips, it was like standing outside in spring, raindrops splashing on your face and opened lips, sweet, soothing, refreshing. This was what kissing Park Yoochun was like.

The other took hold of him, guiding him into their kiss, he placed a hand on the back of his head, pulling him in deeper, harder, grabbing his hair tightly. It was demanding, aggressive to some point, desperate, Junsu could feel every emotion from Yoochun pouring into their kiss. He couldn’t concentrate, he couldn’t think, he even forgot to breath, so stunning was this experience for him. Their lips grazed each other sensually despite the force Yoochun used to clash them together, dancing around each other. Yoochun collected and precise, Junsu wild and raw.
It felt like hours to him before Yoochun released his lips, looking at him with an unreadable expression, only one thing clear in his eyes. Desire.

Junsu trembled under his gaze, looking left and right, avoiding not only his expression but also his touch, tugging at him, struggling in their embrace. This wasn’t right! But Yoochun still had other plans, not letting him flee. Not from him and not from himself. With half lid eyes he kissed his throat, with his hand pulling his head back with his hair, licking and nibbling until he reached his shoulder, the rim of his collar. One hand still on his back found it’s way under his shirt, caressing his skin, tracing every bone of his spine with his fingers.
It was burning, hot under his fingertips, his skin tingling from the unwanted but pleasurable touch. Junsu felt helpless under his touches, the feeling of his lips against his skin. His mind was blank, every rational thinking impossible, only the sensations of his body were around him, consuming him.

Not long and Yoochun became more daring, seeing as the other did nothing to stop him. His hand, previously on his back, came around to his front, he lifted his shirt, exposing his stomach and chest. As reaction Junsu flinched, but no sound escaped him. His body trembled under Yoochun’s fingers, but he wanted it. He wanted to feel it, to know his touch, his lips, he wanted him to touch and taste him, he suddenly craved it, if only to be sure of his body again, that this was really him being held and kissed by his best friend. And not doing anything to stop him.
Yoochun used his opportunity to the fullest, bending lower and lower, his lips reached his belly, tasting the salty, sweaty taste of his skin, licking, kissing, biting him while going up. At the same time he caressed his side, massaging his hips still covered by his jeans. The air grew hot around them, their breathing loud in the room, Junsu even thought he could hear his own heartbeat in the air, so fast and strong and uncontrolled it was by now.

Lying there, head thrown back, his eyes still wide and staring at the ceiling, he let the other do whatever he wanted. Was there really a point in denying him? Why couldn’t he shove him away, why didn’t his body move anymore? Why did he enjoy what was happening to him? His thoughts were so unclear to him, his feelings a thunderstorm inside of him, threatening to tear his heart apart. He loved Yoochun, but he hated him for doing this to them. For being so stubborn, for forcing his feelings on him, for making him doubt himself, for planting these absurd thoughts of love and passion in his mind where before nothing but friendship had been, for making him so cautious and guilty about not returning his feelings, for making him feel ashamed, for causing this whole mess they were now caught in! Why was Yoochun doing this to him? Why did he risk to throw away everything Junsu loved and cherished about their relationship, about their life together? Why?

One bite, pain and a rush of feelings, a moan escaped him and his body followed suit with shivering. As apology Yoochun liked the little bud carefully, blowing against it.
“I love you…” he whispered against his skin, nearly soundlessly.
Junsu felt tears welling up in his eyes, he bit his lips to prevent any sound, to force back his sadness, the feeling of defeat, the helplessness that crept up on his heart. This wasn’t right, this was so wrong, this wasn’t how it should be. Yoochun shouldn’t humble so sadly, so broken, so absolutely depending on him in his happiness. But he did.
“Please be mine…” he whispered again, pleading, hoping, begging the other even to say something.
And with these words something broke in Junsu. He couldn’t think clearly, he just reacted, kicking and screaming at the other, throwing him off with power he never thought he possessed.

“Stop doing this to us!” was all he could get out, screaming hoarsely, his throat burning with every syllable, the tears blinding him, but acting purely on reflex and instinct, he jumped away, getting to his feet faster than ever before, tearing open the door hastily and crashing down on the other side yet again. He was weak, his ankle still hurt, his heart was beating furiously, he couldn’t see clearly, everything was dark and blurry around him. He tried to get up again, hands grabbed him, lifting him up. He didn’t want to be held down! He scratched at whoever it was holding him, when suddenly another pair of arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him back. Screaming and crying out he used all his power to kick, to clash, to punch, whatever he caught, it didn’t matter. He needed to get away!
Everything was fuzzy, a blur, he didn’t know how he did it, but suddenly he was free. Running. Just running. Thank god he grabbed his shoes on his way out, but everything else stayed behind. In socks, his thorn vest hanging only from one shoulder, he ran down the stairs, not caring that their apartment was on the sixth floor, he only ran and ran. Down the stairs, out on the street, down the block, running and running.

Next

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:41:49 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 6
Wordcount: 5.681
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: NC17 (not for this chapter, but decided to raise it for the whole fic)

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

He had never liked talking on the phone with someone, he preferred to talk face to face if the topic was serious or it took more than 10 minutes. This time though he didn’t have a choice. He knew if he went back and they were to meet, things would get worse than now. People could keep them from meeting, but not from phoning each other. He had received the message during the radio show, noticing it in the car and since then had played with his phone, waiting to get home, waiting for his chance to call.
‘We need to talk. Call me when you have time.’ This had been his message. Yes, they needed to talk. It was nearly one week ago since the whole mess had started, they hadn’t seen each other or talked about it since then.

It probably was for the best, both teams were surely still sensitive about the incident. Changmin didn’t want to push his luck. He had been spared for most of it, probably because nobody took him seriously enough, his little adventure had just been that, playing around because he was young. Jaejoong had been scolded, because fans already suspected something, they watched him and especially Yunho with eagle eyes, waiting for the next hint that they might be more than friends. Their management couldn’t allow that. Nobody paid that much attention to Changmin, so it wasn’t as bad for him. Of course, if rumours or even pictures were to pop up, it would be over for him too.

But now both groups could stay silent about it and nothing would leak to the outside world and they would be fine, Changmin hoped so at least. His hyungs were all very understanding after explaining the situation to them. Junsu had been sceptic, not believing Changmin would also go after boys, but he had said nothing and accepted it, whereas some members of the other group had shown their disapproval very clearly. He hoped the other was okay and their management hadn’t been too hard on him. And he hoped their leader showed him understanding and forgiveness, just like Yunho had shown him. He had advised him to be more careful from now on, but that was all.

He hadn’t prohibited anything, just told him to be more careful. Changmin felt really respected by him, despite being younger. Slowly he had found his way to their side and not behind them, Yunho was acknowledging his accomplishments, his maturity, as was Jaejoong. For Yoochun it would probably still need a little time and Junsu was a hopeless case, but he felt so much better in his position already. As for the other, he didn’t know what had happened to him. But he would find out soon enough.
His phone was ringing for the 10th time already, but nobody answered. Well, he might also be busy, off doing something else. It occurred pretty often that they couldn’t answer right away, so he waited. When he got the mail box, he hung up and tried again. He did that three times, then he decided to wait.

Three calls were enough to emphasis his point, to show that he wanted to talk. Now if possible. The longer they waited, the harder it would get to talk to each other. They hadn’t been very close in the first place, hanging out with each other because of their mutual friends and band mates, only slowly they had gotten closer. Close enough to kiss and be bold enough to touch the other. For Changmin it had been a good opportunity and he had felt confident enough with the other. They had been doing pretty fine, often understanding the other without words, even though their characters were so different. But sometimes it was better to be close to someone different from you, to get a different view on life and on yourself. This person saw you differently and could tell you everything from another point of view.

And they had done that for each other. Their groups were under the same company, but their success was different, their members were so different, they could talk about that for hours. Whatever the fans or media said, they couldn’t be compared. Super Junior and DBSK were so different, people must be blind and deaf to miss their differences. But because of it they could be friends, they could be close. It wasn’t easy to be friends with a group that was similar to your own. Especially if you were competing against each other for awards and popularity. Changmin had to admit, he sometimes felt jealous if the others won something they didn’t and he felt relieved if they were the ones winning and taking an award home. It wasn’t nice to be like this, he should be able to be happy for them, but he wasn’t. Not always at least. He still loved and respected them, but being in DBSK had made him more confident in himself. Being around Yunho and Yoochun did that to you. You couldn’t grow up with people like them without adopting some of their characteristics. Especially not with Yoochun, who was confident in front and behind the camera.

Yunho was most charismatic when placed in front of a mic and camera. Changmin tried to mimic that. Yoochun was even more confident when behind a camera, joking and playing, flirting with girls openly and with boys through his subtle glances and movements. He knew his affect on other people and he took advantage of that every now and then. Changmin had also tried to mimic this. He didn’t know whether or not he had succeeded yet. But having the little scandal with his friend now seemed to be the proof that he could do the same Yoochun did. It had been him, who had made the first move, who had hinted at finding the other attractive. After that they had gone to kissing pretty fast.

He didn’t know if had just been his curiosity, the good opportunity to get intimate with someone or if there had been feelings involved. He wasn’t sure. He didn’t like love, not the word and not what it meant. For him love meant being tied down, at least for a period and he didn’t like the thought of someone hindering his independency. Love was maybe nice for people who wanted to settle down and have a family, but for Changmin, who was still young and had so much time still ahead of him, love was annoying, something troublesome and unwanted. He wanted fun, he wanted the freedom to come and go as he pleased. He wanted to enjoy life the way Yoochun had enjoyed it. He was still so far behind. He had still so much to learn.

Even as a kid Changmin had been a very physical person. He needed to touch, to see, to experience things he studied. When learning he would talk to himself, repeat everything he studied to hear it, experience it in some way. He would watch videos and look at pictures. He always needed something he could experience. He wanted to try love, to learn it, not fall in love, it was still far too early for that. He knew love made you weak. Every day he could see what it did to Jaejoong and Yunho, what it had done to them for years, how they had suffered and struggled with their life. Every day he could see how it affected Yoochun, how his love had transformed him into a being incapable of feelings for anyone else, his whole live circled around just one person. It was sickening to watch, to see his eyes lit up when Junsu entered the room, only to see the light fade from them again when the younger left.

He wanted Yoochun to change, to finally lose his love, get over it. Sure, he had encouraged him to try his best with Junsu, but as things were now, he doubted the other would let Yoochun do that to him. Maybe they would never be lovers, never getting close enough to be what Yoochun’s heart and soul desired so desperately. On the other hand he still wanted the other two to come together. Yoochun’s real happiness would come back to him and Junsu would finally get education in being mature. It was amazing what physical experiences could do for you. If Junsu was really as innocent as Changmin believed, his first approaches would be priceless, the person leading him on would fall and break apart inside this angle, winning him over to their sinful side. His taste must be heaven too, too pure to understand and describe.

Changmin felt no desire for Junsu, but he sure knew how to admire Junsu for who he was and what another could do with him. In Changmin’s eyes Junsu’s body was built for sin, he was sexy while still being innocent and oblivious to the effect it had on everyone around him. If he were to realise his effect, the way his body moved sensually and smooth without much effort, he would be the greatest devil of all of them. If Changmin were born in Junsu’s body, he would be a seducer, a ravisher, a defiler not seen on earth before. But he wasn’t. His body was different and his goal also. He was content enough with his situation to not feel jealous towards others and respect the place he was put in, but also unsatisfied enough to strive for more and challenge himself every day anew. He could only make the best out of everything. And he did.

Startled by his ringing phone, he nearly dropped it, bumping his foot against the wall beside the balcony door. Cursing at his clumsiness and pain, he opened the phone and looked at the caller ID. Finally the other was calling back. “Hello?” he answered, a little unsure how to react or handle the situation. But they would find a solution to their problem, right?
“Changmin…” the voice on the line answered, but it wasn’t the voice he had expected to hear. Why was he calling him? And through the phone of the other? He had his number himself, so why was he now on the other line?
“Oh… yo- you…” he was taken a bit back by this. This really was a situation he hadn’t wanted to face anytime soon. He knew a talk was best, that not everything had been settled yet, but why so soon? And why over the phone, while he had expected the call of someone else? “Why are you calling?” But there must be a reason for his doing.

“We need to talk. We already did after everything… well, we didn’t really talk, I just told you to go home and not worry about it. But maybe that was the wrong decision, maybe you should have stayed.” the other wondered aloud, Changmin could hear him pacing around, the steps were audible over the line. “They are my members, my responsibility, but I feel the same responsibility towards you. I should have looked after you… both of you…”
Changmin couldn’t help smiling a little at his sad tone. Super Juniors leader was really a wonderful person, always worrying about everyone, patching everyone up after accidents, scandals and wrong doings, even though he was crying himself. He had a good heart, a wonderful heart, he was truly an angel send to earth to watch over his members. And Changmin felt his wish to be there for the youngest of DBSK also. But because he was so much older than Changmin, he couldn’t really open up to him. They weren’t connected like he was with Yunho and the other three, they were friends, a big family even, but even in families you get along with some members better than others.

“Thank you for calling. Even though I was expecting someone else in your place.”
“I know.” the other sighed softly. “He can’t talk to you right now… and before you ask, no, I won’t tell you why. I know you haven’t contacted him the whole week. Why?” he asked, his voice getting a little higher with it. He was trying to hide it, but Changmin sensed that he wasn’t approving of his behaviour.
Yeah, why hadn’t he called or send some message? He didn’t really know, maybe he wanted to give him and the other time to think about everything first? Maybe he had waited for things to cool down first, so they wouldn’t end up hurting each other even more and some third party not really involved with it? Maybe, maybe, maybe… He hadn’t thought about it yet and if the other hadn’t mentioned it now, maybe he would still be in denial and act like everything was back to normal again. It was in his group, the incident forgotten, but obviously something in Super Junior wasn’t back to how it used to be. Otherwise Jungsoo wouldn’t have called, wouldn’t have intervened.

“We needed time, I think.” he offered as answer, himself not fully believing his reason, but if he said nothing, it would be even worse.
He could hear sighing at the other end, something that sounded like a door being closed and then wind or water, something close to it. Like it was raining. But it wasn’t, the other should also be in Soul right now and the weather was fine. A little cold because of the season, but no rain or storm around. Where was he?
“You can’t solve anything with silence, Changmin. You hurt people by it. I’ve done the same more than once. Didn’t you hurt too because of everything that happened?” the other asked softly through the line and instantly Changmin felt his heart speed up.
The heat in his chest grew to an uncomfortable level, his throat went dry, without him even knowing the reason. He hadn’t hurt, no, not really. He had been sad and angry about everything, about other people sticking their nose into something they should stay out of, it was still his business what he did. He had been furious at certain people for calling him names, for cursing at Jaejoong and the situation.

Pain wasn’t what he had felt. Even if there had been something like pain inside of him, he wouldn’t have acknowledged it, not giving the others who really had hurt him by their words the satisfaction of showing it them. He was stronger than that, stronger than being helpless against pain.
“No.” he said, shaking his head. “They can’t hurt me by saying things against me. I know myself better than they do. I know the people around me better than they do. I wasn’t really hurt, I was a bit angry though.” he admitted. He knew playing the cool guy, all emotionless, wouldn’t satisfy Jungsoo. He would see straight through his lie. It wasn’t the problem of him being unaffected, just that he wouldn’t let it get through to him.
The other sighed again, it sounded defeated and even sadder than before. He could hear a door again, then footsteps going through a hall it seemed, everything echoed slightly while the other remained silent.

“You know Changmin...” he said, the sounds coming back from the wall slightly. “I have thought about this a long time, if it would be good or not to call you. I didn’t want to stick my nose into other people’s business too much, you are both grown up and should be able to judge your actions wisely. But it seems I made the right decision in interfering.”
Changmin didn’t like the sound of that. Nervously he bit his lip, every possible scenario running through his head. Had they spoken about the incident? Had there been something said about him? Why was Jungsoo acting so cautious and his words chosen so well? Something was wrong, odd about the way the other talked. The oldest of Super Junior was a nice person with a great personality and this clearly showed every time he talked. Being humble and modest, but at the same time very nice and caring, very considerate and fair, he was a good leader, even though he cried too, he showed when he was being hopeless and overwhelmed, but he always fought for his place, fought for the sake of his members. But usually, despite him trying so hard, he sometimes struggled with choosing the right words.

This was very cautious, careful, like he was trying Changmin. But in what way?
“Why do you say that now? Was or is there still something you need to tell me?” Changmin asked curious, carefully.
This couldn’t be about flowers and bees right? The other knew he was old enough for that and if they had been getting close to doing anything more serious, Changmin knew what he had to do and how to look after his partner. He would have been careful and understanding. There were enough girls out there who knew that he could be a good lover, who was considerate and patient.
“I talked with him and asked him how you two got so close. I just wanted to know. And he told me. And now I want to ask you the same thing. I know it must be embarrassing to talk about it, you might feel I’m pushing too much, asking too much, but I just want to know both sides.”

It wasn’t what Changmin had expected, but it made sense, that the other wanted to know the story behind everything. But if Changmin had any choice, he wouldn’t tell it anyone, it was something private he didn’t want to share. He saw no reason to share it with anyone, he hadn’t done so with his members, why would he do it with Jungsoo then? He hadn’t even revealed the name of the other to his members. He felt pressured by the other, but if he wanted to calm him and avoid any problems with him, maybe he should tell him then. If he were to start a fight with him, words surely would get around and Yunho would hear of it too. Right now he really hated that all of them got along so well, up to the point where they turned to each other for support and help. He was caught on the middle of this mess, well, he kind of had started it, but at some point, shouldn’t others stop interfering and let him handle his problems himself? Jungsoo only wanted the best for his members, that was obvious and Changmin didn’t hold that against him, but how old did the other think he was? 15? No, far from it.

He bit his lip to prevent reproaching the other in any way, it wouldn’t help him and it wasn’t his place to do so.
“If he already told you, why do you need to hear it from me a second time?” he asked instead, trying to avoid the situation, not willing to surrender to him.
It was silent on the other line at first, no sound could be heard and Changmin waited anxiously for any reaction. But nothing came. The footsteps weren’t there anymore, the sound of rain had also stopped. It was just silent. When the other finally answered, Changmin could hear him fight with himself, holding back his emotions, forcing out the words more than speaking them.
“If you tell me the same he did, then I’ll have to make a decision.”

It wasn’t his place to make a decision of any kind for them. Even though he hadn’t said what kind of decision he would make, Changmin could hear it in his voice, that it concerned him, that it was something he had to pull through with for the, at least he thought it was for the best, sake of the two younger ones he sought to protect. But what would he need them to protect from? There was no evil monster outside, waiting for it’s chance to eat them. He didn’t need to protect them from their friends, fellow members, they had both grown up in their groups and knew the others better than their families did, there was a bond between them that couldn’t be broken by this, Changmin believed that. He had felt it with the other four, when he had told him about the incident. They might not understand his reasons or the circumstances, but they accepted it. Wasn’t Super Junior the same?

Some members had been everything but supportive and understanding the moment the walked in on them, found out the secret they had kept from everyone else, but hadn’t that just been the shock from finding out? Hadn’t they just been concerned about their wellbeing? And even if these members were still angry about the whole thing and there was tension inside of Super Junior, what did that have to do with him? It was not like he could do anything against it at this point. He had apologised to Jungsoo before, there wasn’t anything else he could do.
“I don’t know what he could have told you to become so troubled by it. I apologised, I told you how sorry I was for the mess we created…” he tried, putting his most sincere tone and feelings into it.
Suddenly the other laughed, sounding strangely sad and angry at the same time. “Of course you wouldn’t know!”
Changmin stared ahead with wide eyes, clutching the phone tighter.

What was wrong with him? What had the other said to him to make him like this? Changmin had known Jungsoo for years now too, but he had never seen him like this, never experienced this side of him.
“Why won’t you let me speak with him directly? Why do you deny him this right? Or was it you who send me the message?” he asked forcefully, holding back every insult he wanted to through at the other. Something wasn’t right here, he was hiding something very serious from him. And probably because he was too young to understand, what other reason could there be? Changmin couldn’t think of any other. “Don’t treat my so low, Hyung, tell me what’s going on, I have the right to know too! Get him, let me talk to him!” he hissed, getting louder.
The other also didn’t stay calm anymore, his voice also rose throughout his next words. “There is nothing to talk about anymore between yo-“

“Of course there is! What would you know of our relationship anyway? You didn’t even notice him having fights with Kangin, always being bullied and lectured by him! You don’t notice these things around you, not even with your precious members! Some blind leader you are!” and as soon as the words had left his mouth, Changmin knew he had made a mistake, he felt the guilt for losing his temper hit him with full force.
He shouldn’t have said that, that was low, even for him. He hated being the way he was, why did insults come to him so easily, but praise never? Why could he only hurl foul words at anyone around him, why did his anger control him from deep within? Silently he cursed himself, his hand, formed to a fist, was shaking at his side. He could hear a deep intake of breath from the other, but he didn’t answer for a long time. Changmin also stayed silent, desperately wishing to apologise, but not one word left his mouth. He tried, he really tried, but he couldn’t bring his muscles to move. Now the other really had a reason to hate him. All he wanted was to speak to the person involved in this, to hear his side of the story, to hear if he was okay and everything going normal again.

He still didn’t know what the other had decided on, or better would decide based on his explanation, but he had a faint idea what it could be about. And he didn’t like it.
“Listen… I’m sorry for what I said.” he finally forced out through clenched teeth, his voice shaking slightly with it.
“That doesn’t matter. I know enough, he told me everything… I was the one holding him that night, crying over his broken heart, his pain over the harsh words directed at him.” Jungsoo said, voice weak and tired, Changmin could hear the tears in it, his struggle to keep his composure in front of him.
But it was also hard for Changmin. Them playing around had resulted in so much pain and problems for everyone, both groups were affected by it now, even though in Changmin’s eyes it had all been very innocent, not something to create this tension and issues with their management. They were young men, of course they wanted physical pleasure and closeness to a person, they couldn’t stay alone forever. And wasn’t it better they kept it between them rather than running around outside with different females hanging from their arms? Changmin had done that too and it had been even more difficult to keep a secret, it was too tiring.

“I’m really sorry, Hyung. Just us playing around a little resul-“
“And that’s exactly the point you don’t understand!” Jungsoo interrupted him harshly, nearly screaming through the phone. “Of course it was easier for you to have a little playmate in the company instead of searching for it outside!”
Changmin’s eyes went wide with this revelation, nearly dropping his phone from surprise. Was it really that? Could he have been fooled by the other all this time? They had been meeting for months prior, kissing the first time three months ago and since then getting together whenever their schedule allowed it, kissing and groping a little, but both too busy to do anything more. Had he missed it all that time?
“I didn-“ he tried, but was interrupted yet again by the other’s furious words, wincing at the tone and force of them.
“You did! You even told him everything, complaining about your loneliness and the desire to have someone in your arms again! Who is the blind fool, Changmin? Who is the one not paying enough attention? Every time I can, I keep him save from the others, especially from Kangin and Heechul, I know their words can hurt, I know their attitude well enough! But I failed to keep him away from you!”

Changmin’s hand clenched around his phone so hard it cracked against his ear, giving away under the strength he applied to it. This wasn’t true right? He would have noticed it, right from the beginning. He was a good observer, nobody could keep a secret from him long enough, it was what he did best, watching and studying the people around him. The other would have never been able to keep that from him, if it was really what Jungsoo implied. No, Changmin was sure the other was wrong, he had looked at their situation briefly from outside and already thought he knew everything.
“I don’t think you are right, Hyu-“
“Of course I am, how can you say that I don’t know anything? You were the one not trying to reach him for the whole week! And he told me, told me he would wait and see how serious you were! And now look at you, phoning back only because I left a message for you! He was right all along!”
Changmin was totally taken aback by his words, staggering back until his back hit the wall and he crashed down against it, eyes wide and body shaking. This wasn’t true! He hadn’t been blind, he would have known!

He had observed his members for years, he knew everything about them. After all this time he was a grown up man now, he knew his position, he knew the people around him, he couldn’t be fooled that easily anymore, he wasn’t the small 12 year old boy anymore who once had been told milk was a mix of water and a fruit from Africa and had believed it. He was sure nobody could fool the man he was now anymore.
“If I ever find you trying to reach him again… by phone or through someone else, I will find you and make you pay! This I between you and me, not him, not Yunho, not our groups, just the two of us…” the other told him, his voice now calmer, dark, a deadly undertone attached to it, making Changmin shiver. This wasn’t the Jungsoo he knew, the friendly, gentle leader of Super Junior he had grown to like and respect at some point.
“Stop being the spoiled childish brat you are, thinking you can have everything and everyone at your call, for your liking! Grow up and then we can talk on the same level again.” With this he hung up.

Too stunned to do anything, Changmin said there, pressed against the wall, the phone still pressed tightly against his ear, the monotone ringing still in his ear.
This wasn’t true. Jungsoo must be wrong. He would have realised something going on with the other if there had been, but nothing had made him suspicious or worried. He had been fine all the time, talking and laughing like always, being witty in his comments and statements, making Changmin laugh with him. He had been the perfect counterpart for their little sin, knowing it should have been just that. Playing around, having fun and finally not feeling alone anymore. This had been all, right? Right from the beginning there had been no words about feelings or attachments, a silent agreement to come together to have fun, nothing more. Right?

With shaking fingers, he turned around, the phone sinking lower and lower in his lap. How dare Jungsoo accuse him of being the reason for all of this, he wasn’t a kid anymore the other could order around or blame everything on. This wasn’t his fault. It was the fault of his oh so precious members who had made a big deal out of everything, whereas his members had said nothing, even Yunho had been more understanding than him, even though the other was much older and should be able to act mature enough to understand and respect Changmin in this. No, the other was to blame entirely for this, how dare he tell him what to do and who to contact? The other was his member, that was true, but he wasn’t his son and Changmin not his high school friend, who tried to seduce him. They weren’t playing little kids, they were old enough to make their own decisions. How could Jungsoo take this into his own hands and even deny him to speak with the other? It wasn’t his place to do so.

“You are the brat in this!” Changmin screamed at the phone, the number still blinking on the phone. It took all his willpower to not throw the phone over the rail and down unto the road. No, he wouldn’t give in to Jungsoo, he wouldn’t let him win in this. He wasn’t the kid the other thought him to be, he would show him that he couldn’t treat him like this, hyung or not, this was a different matter. Respect had to bee from both ways. He was older, yeah, but only in years, in wit and maturity Changmin was the one ahead, this had proved it.
Changmin hadn’t been wrong in this, surely Jungsoo was just too jealous and too caught up in his mother role to see the truth behind everything. Just let him wait and see.

He was furious at him, his words had hurt, stabbed the other deep, he would show him that he was anything but a child, that he was someone with enough reason and insight to be considered an equal, to be able to make his own decisions and choices. Jungsoo would see that too, just as much as his own members could see now. He had proofed himself to Yunho already, he would proof himself to Jungsoo just the same. He would see.
Clapping his phone shut, he stuffed it in his pocket, opening and closing the balcony door with a loud bang as he entered the apartment again, stepping out into the hall. He would show him!
Just as he wanted to pass the bathroom to get to his room, he was startled by a scream coming from inside. “Stop doing this to us!” he heard, then the door burst open and Junsu dashed out, falling, tripping over his own feet, crashing with a loud thump into the opposite wall. His clothes were ruffled, the buttons of his vest torn open, his hair messy, sticking to his sweaty forehead and neck. Breathing heavily he tried to get up, grabbing Changmin in the process to lift himself up. Too stunned to do anything else, he helped him get up, lifting him up the best he could, which wasn’t too easy given the other struggled with all his might.

That second Yoochun came forward, grabbing Junsu by the waist, holding him tightly, trying to drag him away from Changmin. “Junsu, please listen!” he screamed, but his actions were doing anything but help, because the younger just struggled harder, scratching at Changmin, who he was holding unto, kicking Yoochun behind him, screaming for him to let go.
Once he hit perfectly, Yoochun screamed and stumbled backwards, crashing to the floor. Junsu took his opportunity, tearing himself away from Changmin he ran down the hall to the entrance, just grabbing his shoes he fled from the apartment, not looking back once. Seeing this Yoochun roared in fury, getting back on his feet in an instant, pushing Changmin against the wall with all his strength.
“Why did you let him go?!” he screamed at the stunned younger, aiming one blow directly at his chin, knocking him over in the process.

Next

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 00:29:03 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 5
Wordcount: 4.835
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: PG13

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

For the next few days everything was quiet and normal, they had their schedule to do, rushing from one appointment to the other, rehearsal, radio shows, photo shoots, everything packed together tightly and not giving them time to think much about matters outside of work, concerning themselves. The atmosphere was friendly and professional, everyone did his part at their best. Even Junsu, who had fallen asleep half the night on the balcony some days before and was now sick. His affected his talking and singing ability, so most of the time he remained silent.

Yoochun was really paying attention to him, reminding him to take his medicine and not forget to wear a scarf and cap when they went outside. It was November already and if he wasn’t careful enough his sickness could get more serious. Nobody wanted that. Junsu himself felt ashamed for falling asleep tucked in the blanket out on the balcony, but now he had to deal with it. He tried not to sneeze or cough when they went to their schedules, he would bite his lips to prevent any sound, only in the breaks he would dash to the toilette and cough violently to get everything out, the other members watching his struggle with worried eyes.

Changmin felt also better. He had confessed everything to Yunho and Junsu too and nobody held it against him anymore. Jungsoo had also called Yunho the next day, apologizing for his members behaviour and the mess it had caused for all of them, because management had also talked to them about the incident and made it clear that things like that wouldn’t be tolerated a second time. Yunho was very quiet after the phone call and even now, some days after it he still wasn’t back to his old self, there was something in his eyes every time he looked at Changmin and Jaejoong, but he remained silent. That was his way as leader, he dealt with it alone, even though he had admitted that Changmin’s confession had shocked him quiet a bit. He had never thought their youngest would go out and mess around with other people. Okay, dating was fine, everybody wanted and needed love at some point, but Changmin hadn’t seemed to be looking for love, as had his partner in crime. And that was what made both leaders so worried. They had been talking for nearly an hour, Yunho locking himself in the bedroom, telling everyone clearly that he didn’t want to be disturbed.

Jaejoong wanted him to share his fear and pain, as he had done it. But he couldn’t force himself on Yunho, not the way the other had done on him, he was still to insecure to approach him with the needed force and strength, he gave in to the other still far too easily. Yunho could read him like an open book and always understood what was wrong with him, but he couldn’t do that with Yunho, he could look at him, watch him for hours, he still wouldn’t know what was on his mind, he couldn’t even guess. Their leader was still a mystery to him. As was their relationship. After their first kiss, nothing had changed, Yunho was still Yunho, treating him as the best friend he ever had, commanding him around on their appointments, making sure nothing was wrong, no mistake was made. Jaejoong felt miserable, it was as if the kiss had never happened, as if their talk hadn’t happened, as if Yunho hadn’t confessed loving him.

But he had, right? The memory was still fresh, the feelings of him lying together with the other still caused him goose bumps whenever he thought of it. But how could Yunho be so unaffected by it, when he himself only had to look at him, stand close to him, touch him and every fibre in his body awoke, every emotion in his heart stirred and his body burned with heat and desire? It was hell for Jaejoong. He was grateful for Changmin being in the middle, it was hard enough to concentrate on whatever he was doing and not look into Yunho’s direction too much, not crave fro a glance, a touch from the other. Shouldn’t he be happy? Shouldn’t his heart burst with happiness and content?

The other loved him. After years of silent agony, of being in control, of swallowing down every feeling he had for the other, shouldn’t he feel relieved and free to be able to be himself again? He had been kissed. A real kiss, not just a peck on the lips, a real kiss, with real feelings. That was at least what Jaejoong had felt from him. Could he have been fooled? He didn’t know what to do.
Their radio show was finished, everyone had been fighting their weariness from doing a photo shoot since morning and it had gotten pretty late now. In the car on their way home, Junsu had been sleeping, his eyes falling shut as soon as he had sat down, Yoochun even had to fasten his seat belt for him. All the time watching him, how his face showed his discomfort and pain. He was getting sicker every day. Not only Yoochun was worried, Yunho had also tried to reschedule as many appointments as possible. For this week it wasn’t possible anymore, but for the next week they had two free days in order to let Junsu rest and recover.

When they arrived home, Junsu had went to the bathroom, first waking up dazed and then running up as fast as he could, coughing on his way, his face pale and his lips trembling. Yoochun had followed him worried. Changmin, who had been playing around with his cell phone in the car the whole time, went out on the balcony, calling someone.
Jaejoong was left with Yunho in the hall, they looked at each other for some seconds, then Yunho told him he would put his bag away and then try to find something to eat. He asked if they should cook or order something. They hadn’t cooked in days, maybe even two weeks, only ordering stuff or eating what was in the house, like bread, cereals and fruits. Jaejoong hadn’t felt like cooking but now he thought he owned it to the others to take care of that again. After saying he wanted to cook, he went to the kitchen, looking through the stuff they had at home.

Because it was winter and Junsu needed something healthy and warming he decided to do a hotpot, more Japanese style because it was better for the stomach and he knew Yunho had some problems with that, usually in winter or when eating spicy dishes. The leader tried to hide it of course, but he knew something was wrong when they other slowly reduced his portion, which he had been doing for two days. He took out the vegetables they still had left. It was enough for the five of them, not too much, but it would do. The next days they’d need to go shopping again. He took the last mushrooms, the last cabbage and leek. And they needed eggs again. Jaejoong was still absorbed in his task, he didn’t notice Yunho coming up behind him, catching the bowl he had knocked over with his hips while trying to grab the leek from the cupboard.

They stood pressed together, Yunho had been able to grab the bowl in the last second before it had crashed down to the floor. Breathless from the shock and trying to balance himself right, Yunho stared at him, one arm around the other’s waist to keep himself balanced, while bending forward on one leg, the bowl grasped tightly with his hand. Jaejoong was slightly turned to him, his back facing him halfway. He looked over his shoulder, Yunho’s face close to his, their eyes locking. He could feel the heat from the other body, his heartbeat increasing, with parted lips he looked at him, not able to move or say anything.
Yunho’s eyes were looking back at him, slightly confused but calm, their hips were touching ever so slightly and he also could feel the other’s body heat clearly through the clothes in contrast to the cold of the kitchen.

For some seconds time stood still. And Jaejoong wanted nothing more than to turn around and embrace the other, put his arms around him and pull him close to his body, to his heart, which was beating faster and faster as the seconds ticked by. He couldn’t move. He wanted to, but he couldn’t, every muscle in his body was tense, but he couldn’t bring himself to move around fully.
After some more seconds, Yunho smiled and stepped away from him, placing the bowl on the shelf beside him. “You should be more careful. You’re not wearing slippers, it could have hurt you.” saying this he turned around and sat down at the table, grabbing the newspaper lying there.
Jaejoong, still only turned halfway, looked at him, then to the floor, the tiles, the legs of the chair he was sitting on, everywhere but his face. This Yunho was the same Yunho from two weeks ago. The same Yunho who he had been friends with. And only that.

Why was this happening? And why now? Was he the only one affected by everything, was it only him who was still thinking of their kiss? Why was he so nervous around the leader? The other seemed so calm and natural, so absolutely in control, it hurt Jaejoong, it made him sick, his stomach turned thinking about Yunho as the perfect leader who was able to hold his emotions back even in love. He didn’t need this manly image of a leader, he didn’t need the fake mask the other put on for television or interviews, photo shoots and concerts. He needed the dorky, moody brat he could be, he needed the person who could make him laugh in any situation. He hadn’t fallen in love with U Know, even though he had to admit he was sometimes turned on a little by his attitude and coolness. But his heart belonged to Jung Yunho, the boy and man who had stolen his heart right from the first time he had seen him, with his styled hair and the stylish outfit, who had captured his soul’s longing by being reliable, funny, cute and strong, always being at his side, protecting and helping him.

He had been first to confess his feelings. Now, nearly one year after confessing, he felt the same. It was the same feeling, the same atmosphere around them. Yunho hadn’t ignored him, he had just wanted time to think about it and Jaejoong had granted him that. A year was long, Yoochun had said so too, he had been surprised that Jaejoong had waited so patiently for Yunho’s answer, that he hadn’t dated anyone in this time even though a lot of people had tried to catch his interest. Jaejoong had waited. And he would’ve waited even longer, content with everything he had, being friends. But now that he felt the same from Yunho, that he had the same feelings, how could he wait any longer?
He had only been able to wait because of the possibility of receiving ‘no’ as an answer. He had thought about this a lot, what would he do if Yunho rejected him, how would he deal with it and how would his relationship with the other change? But he knew it wouldn’t. When he had confessed his feelings, Jaejoong had tried to kiss the other, trying to find out whether or not Yunho liked kissing him.

But the other had refused. Back then Jaejoong had been hurt and sad, feeling like he had missed his only chance to kiss the other fully, properly. But now he was glad. If the other had refused him later, then he would have always remembered that kiss, how perfect and wonderful it had been and would be forever a little sad about it. And yes, it had been perfect.
The first kiss they had shared would surely stay with him forever. His first kiss ever by another man was way back before debut, of course he still remembered it. He still remembered the date, the time, the scenery, the face of the one he had kissed. Sometimes, he could even recall the taste of it, the feeling of their lips moving together. But compared to his first kiss with Yunho, this one was nothing. There had been no electricity, no jolt going through him, whereas the kiss with Yunho had totally immobilized him and cleared all his thoughts.

Now he really had something to look back to, something to remember and think of. They say your first time stays with you forever. It probably did. And this had also been a first time. The first time for his soul and heart to love someone this much.
He knew he should trust the other more. It probably wasn’t easy for Yunho to approach him as a lover, as a boyfriend. Jaejoong could still vividly remember his first attempts at approaching another boy he liked, back in school. How insecure and clumsy he had been back then. And as far as Jaejoong knew, he was Yunho’s first man.

Thinking this his heartbeat sped up, blood rushed to his cheeks, colouring them red and pink. He didn’t want to think about it, going beyond kissing and holding hands, but the image was vivid in his mind. Yunho was no virgin, no, he knew about the leader dating girls, once he had accidentally set him up with one of his own friends even, but being Yunho’s first man, just thinking about it embarrassed him, made his hands shake.
He tried to hide it, busying himself and his hands, placing knifes and the cutting board beside him. He turned around, looking at Yunho, who was reading the newspaper quietly. “Yunho…” he called out to him softly.
The other looked up, folding the newspaper in his lap, giving him his full attention at once. It startled Jaejoong, who tried to avoid his gaze quickly, pointing to the vegetables at the side. “Could you cut them for me? I need to prepare the meat.”

Quickly he turned around again, going to the fridge and taking out the meat they had left. He heard Yunho’s footsteps getting closer to the counter, the sound of a knife picket up and finally the sounds of the cabbage being sliced. He returned to his place beside the other, taking another knife and cutting board and slicing the meat the same. Both didn’t look up fully, but sometimes Jaejoong glanced at the other, watching him being so focused on his task. He was cute when cooking, but not very good. He had to fight with the right grip on the knife and had to be extra careful not to cut himself. It was pain for Jaejoong to watch. Every time he cut down, Jaejoong winced, his fingers shaking a little with Yunho’s. He couldn’t concentrate on the meat before him, he was just watching the other carefully and hoping he wouldn’t hurt himself.

He was able to stay silent for the next half minute, but then he couldn’t take it anymore.
“God Yunho, are you trying to chop your fingers off?” he asked with wide eyes and clearly annoyed. The other just laughed.
“You know I’m bad at these things. I’m clumsy.” He shrugged, getting back to his task. The cabbage looked torn and tattered, not really appetizing anymore. Jaejoong sighed. They only had this one, he couldn’t let Yunho slaughter it to his liking. He put down his knife, the meat forgotten on the board and stepped behind the older. He came around his body with both arms, standing on his toes to look over his shoulder, because sadly, Yunho was still taller then him. But he wouldn’t be the leader if he didn’t sense it and bend his knees a little for Jaejoong.
“Do it like this.” he said, grabbing Yunho’s hands and guiding them with the right pressure and direction, showing him how the cabbage should be sliced, how he should handle the knife and how he could avoid getting his fingers in the way.

Yunho followed his movements, his hands moving under Jaejoong’s on their own, mimicking every turn and curve perfectly. Jaejoong was pleased with his progress, if he moved his hands like this, he should be able to come out of it without cuts and bruises and the cabbage would still be eatable. But he didn’t want to move away. While moving his hands, he had unconsciously moved closer to the other, up to the point where his chest was pressed against his back, his chin slightly resting on his shoulder, his arms around Yunho’s. But the other didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t say anything, he also didn’t move away from him. While standing there, their movements slowed down until also the vegetables lay there forgotten, the knife was put down and still Jaejoong’s hands didn’t leave his.

Both didn’t know what to say, Jaejoong even refused to say anything. It was perfect like this, standing together and just holding each other, that was enough. It was not a real embrace, not yet, but his heart was beating faster. His body was hot, his skin tingled where he touched Yunho. He was tense, but in a good way, anticipating any movement from the other, ready to react to him in any way. Yunho on the other hand was more relaxed, leaning back against him it seemed, waiting for his part for any movement from Jaejoong.
It was not that they were afraid, Jaejoong just didn’t know how to make the first move. What could he do? Should he put his arms around him? Should he let him turn around? Should he say something to him or just breathe slightly against his ear? It probably was the same for Yunho. When it came to love and feelings, Yunho was usually very shy and embarrassed.

Jaejoong didn’t want to walk on eggshells all the time. He knew Yunho was a little overwhelmed with the situation, he felt the same. Both didn’t know what to do, they had confessed their love, yes that was clear. But where did they go from there? For Yunho it was new, there was not a girl now at the other side, he wasn’t supposed to do everything now, he wasn’t in charge in this relationship, not as much as he would have been with a girl.
Jaejoong knew more about these situations, but because his feelings for Yunho were sincere, he felt shy and insecure around him, he couldn’t just be with him like he had been with former boyfriends, who hadn’t been real boyfriends yet. It was a long time ago and he had been young. Now was different. Both boys had grown to be strong and independent man. What should they do?

Jaejoong wanted to relax against the other, he wanted to feel natural with him. Back when they had been friends, when he himself hadn’t known about his feelings for Yunho yet, touching, embracing, being close to each other had been as natural as breathing, it had been so familiar and both had felt confident and content with their relationship, both giving and taking equally. Jaejoong could touch Yunho when and wherever he wanted, for Yunho it had been the same and both had felt normal. Now, that their relationship had been taken to another level, what was wrong and right now? And, were they even in a real relationship? They hadn’t talked about it, avoiding the topic and just talking about work and schedules for the past days. He wanted to know, he needed to know where they stood now, what Yunho would be for him now. And even more important, what he was for him.
Gathering all his courage, he released his hands and put both arms around the other, one over his chest, the other around his stomach, holding unto him tightly. With closed eyes he let his head drop against his shoulder, sighing softly.

“If I kissed you now… would you let me?” he asked, pressing Yunho against the counter with his weight.
The other let him, placing his arms over Jaejoong’s, fingers between his. Underneath his shirt, Jaejoong could feel his heartbeat, steady and strong, beating with every breath he took. Even if he didn’t show it much, he still was a romantic person, he loved getting compliments and presents, being wooed by his beloved. He was greedy and jealous, he wanted to possess this heart beneath Yunho’s chest, carve his name in it so nobody else would be able to take it from him.
“I would.” Yunho answered after a while, tightening his hold on Jaejoong’s arms and hands. Still he didn’t move, he didn’t try to turn around. And he still bend his knees, so the other could easily look over his shoulder and access his neck and throat. It was as if Yunho was still waiting for something from Jaejoong.

The other didn’t know what it could be. He had spoken first, but now he was clueless again. Should he kiss him? The other had said he would allow it. But in this position he couldn’t really kiss him, he would need to turn him around. Was he really bold enough to do that? Jaejoong was man himself, he took matters in his own hands, he didn’t like being dependent on others, he had been too much in the past. After his talk with Yunho he had decided to become stronger again. Of course he was still insecure about many things, he still didn’t like himself very much and he surely wasn’t well enough to master everything, but he wasn’t alone. Someone would always be by his side, right? Yunho had promised to help him. And one part of helping him was to ignore him. That must be it. Jaejoong had first thought Yunho hadn’t wanted to make the first move, trying to avoid him on purpose, but for different reasons. Had he wanted him to come to him?

“Do you want to kiss me?” he asked against his ear, kissing it slightly, while trying to will his body to stay still, stop his hands from shaking. He felt so shy, so lost, his heart was beating faster and faster, he was burning with embarrassment and insecurity. “No, don’t answer… I know you do. You were playing with me, weren’t you?” it was bold to ask that, but he needed to know. Was Yunho really trying to coax him out of his shell rather than avoiding him? His heart was still beating as calm and regular as before, he surely didn’t feel nervous compared to Jaejoong.
“I had to, you are still the same.” Yunho answered, tilting his head to one side, exposing more of his neck to the other. “Still waiting for me to come to you. But, I already did. And now? Why do you still hold back?” he asked, concern clearly audible in his voice.

Jaejoong closed his eyes. His lips moved against his neck, kissing, licking at the skin. Yes, he had never desired something as much as he desired the other, he had never longed for something with this strength, with his whole body and heart. And still he was too afraid to take his chance. Was it really right? Did Yunho really want the same? He had let him wait for months, how could he know his feelings were sincere now? He wanted to, he wanted to believe him and lose himself in the other and their closeness.
“You made me wait so long…” he whispered against his neck.
“I know. But with this I need you to guide me. I know nothing of… these things. It’s hard admitting it, but if you don’t come to me, I can never have the courage to come to you. Not like this.” Yunho answered.
And Jaejoong felt his sincerity, he was being honest with him. From the outside he seemed calm and collected, but he could feel his body tremble in his arms ever so slightly. He was burning too, his shirt clung to him firmer than before. The air around him was filled with his scent, musk and heat from his body colliding and drowning out his cologne.

This was different from some days ago. That time Yunho had been forced to come to him and his confession had been easy because he had needed to be strong for Jaejoong. Yunho was weak against tears, if any of his precious members cried, he would cry with them in his heart. And for Jaejoong he had chosen to be stronger than before, because the other needed him. And now, he was as insecure as Jaejoong about their situation.
“I don’t know if I can guide us. I waited so long for you to come back to me and when you came, it was too much. It was like every dream, every wish I ever had, had come true in that moment. Please, allow me to be insecure too.” he begged, not ready to take such a great role, still amazed how easily Yunho could confess his fears to him and ask him to lead him, to give up so much control for him willingly. He must have thought about it deeply. Maybe it also had something to do with Changmin confessing to him about the incident. He knew Yunho was a deep thinker, but to what extend amazed him sill sometimes.

“Let’s both be insecure and see where it takes us, okay? Let’s pull at each other until one is ready to take the needed steps forward.” Yunho said, laughing a little.
Their talk was serious, but Yunho still could make Jaejoong smile with his laugh. There was a problem between them, something they needed to work on, that was true, but it didn’t change their feelings. Yunho was really sincere about his confession, he just wanted to take it slow. Now Jaejoong understood it better. First he had been sad and angry about Yunho staying away from him for days, acting as if nothing had happened. It had, but did they really need to show it already? Did they have to throw themselves into a relationship, kissing and doing indecent things right on the first day? They didn’t. Taking it slow was fine, it was okay for both of them. Maybe they needed that, transforming slowly from friends to lovers. Jaejoong couldn’t deny his physical longing for the other, his desire to be intimate with him, but that time would come, right? Not just now.

“Are you afraid us touching? Doing… more than kissing?” Jaejoong asked, kissing his neck again.
Yunho had shown no objection, this was fine, kissing and licking, tasting him, the salty sweat that had formed on his neck due to him wearing the thick scarf even in the car. It was the taste of a human, Jaejoong had tasted it before, but it was thick with Yunho’s scent, he could not only smell but also taste it on his tongue.
“A little.” he confessed in a small voice.
“Me too.” Jaejoong answered just as quiet.
It was true, they could destroy so much if they were to cross that line and then break up. Relationships weren’t meant to hold forever right? Especially gay couples were rumoured to change partners often, right? Jaejoong had heard about it often enough. He didn’t want that for him and Yunho, he wouldn’t be able to bear loving and losing him, seeing him with someone else. And he wouldn’t be able to bear the pain he might cause Yunho by leaving him and dating someone else. They were both young, what if this wasn’t their forever yet?

Caught in his thoughts, Jaejoong was startled as Yunho turned in his arms, embracing the other tightly, pulling him against his chest. He smiled, caressing his cheek. Jaejoong stared back for a second, taking in the beauty of the man before him. Yunho wasn’t a person you let go easily. Once you had him, you had to keep him. Jaejoong felt like he wouldn’t be complete anymore if there would ever be someone else in his arms.
And as natural as their relationship had been before, both came closer to each other, moving at the same time, with the same careful movement, until their lips finally touched again.
He wouldn’t know about his forever unless he tried. This should be his forever. He would make it that. This kiss, this person in his arms, was everything he had ever wished for, unconsciously, unknowingly. In his heart, there already was only one answer, only one possibility he would accept.

Next

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 23:04:42 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 4
Wordcount: 4.653
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: PG13

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

There should have been nothing wrong with apologizing. He had always thought Jaejoong to be reasonable enough to talk about things. He knew he had a temper, but most of the time it was Yunho or Yoochun who suffered from his tantrums, Changmin preferred to stay at the sideline and watch. This time he was in the middle of it. His cheek hurt from the blow he had recieved. It had been hard enough to make him dizzy, to make him trip and nearly fall. Jaejoong was strong. For some seconds Changmin felt the urge to fight back, to punch the other the same way, just to prove that he could. But, well, it still would be his fault.

He hadn’t expected to be forgiven easily. The secret he had revealed had been far too big for that, but he had hoped Jaejoong would react differently. He was after all the oldest, shouldn’t he be able to control his anger better than this? But if it helped him to punch, to let his anger out, okay, then he should do that. Changmin was man enough to take what he deserved. It still hurt though, a lot, and he couldn’t stop the tears welling up in his eyes. But he didn’t want to admit it was more than just pain that made them well in the first place.

“I said I’m sorry.” Changmin said, composed and calm. Jaejoong just looked at him, anger still visible in his eyes, his lips pressed together to a thin line.
“That doesn’t change a thing!” Jaejoong screamed at him, the anger was still boiling in his blood and even though he screamed, he was far from the level he could do it, he still held back. Changmin couldn’t understand why he was that upset about it. Of course their management hadn’t been very nice with them, but what could they do? They had nothing.

Jaejoong had never been involved in any scandal, there was no evidence of him dating or kissing other guys, he had been very careful in the beginning and the time he had fallen in love with their leader he had stopped going out. There was only one person for him. And also these two had never done anything inappropriate in front or behind cameras. The few kisses, well not really kisses, more pecks, they had shared in their apartment with the other three present, playing stupid truth or dare games. There was nothing their management could do, even though they knew now about Jaejoong. And Changmin had said he was sorry. But well, it would probably take some time before he was forgiven.

“They have nothing. No photo, no video of you doing something. They can’t threat you with anything, they have nothing.” he tried to reason again.
But Jaejoong just looked at him, shaking his head. His anger slowly faded away, but he was still tense. He took some steps backwards and sat down on the bed. Changmin stood still, rubbing his cheek a little. It still hurt. If he was lucky it would show tomorrow, a nice bruise in black and purple. Junsu would surely laugh first and then pity him, fussing over him like a dog over her puppies. Not something he looked forward to, not really.

“They will be more careful.” Jaejoong hissed through clenched teeth. “You have no idea what it means for me now! You all might not have a problem with it, but what about the others? The whole company will know it! Give them a week and everyone will flood me with questions! I don’t want to answer any of them!”
Changmin cringed at the sound of his voice. Okay, maybe it wasn’t as easy as he had thought it would be. But right after the incident he had also tried his best to prevent any scandal or problems for Jaejoong.
“I tried my best too. I had… okay, first I didn’t mean to say it, it just slipped. Second, I tried to keep it between the few people present. I…” it wasn’t easy to talk about these things, to admit his mistake, but he tried for Jaejoong’s sake, for their friendship and their group of course.

They couldn’t go on much longer if they were fighting too much. Changmin knew he held a big responsibility now, he was the reason it had happened in the first place, so it was his duty to take care of it. And it was a good chance to prove himself in Jaejoong’s eyes, who, despite their long time together, still saw him as his younger brother, not treating him the way Changmin felt he should be treated by now. But first he had to be forgiven.
“Let me explain the situation first okay? You wouldn’t let me finish before…” Changmin looked around and decided to sit down at the desk. He knew he couldn’t sit beside Jaejoong on the bed and there was nothing else where he could sit, maybe Yoochun’s bed, but after his talk with the other Changmin felt slightly uncomfortable thinking about him and touching his belongings. Even being in his bedroom was making him uneasy, the memories of everything still fresh in his mind.

Jaejoong said nothing, he sat down on his bed, his knees draw to his body. He was protecting himself, curling into a ball and watching the younger with fiery eyes.
Changmin watched him for a second, waiting for any word, objection or something else, but when nothing came, he cleared his throat and started.
“After living with all of you for so long, I got curious myself if there was a different lifestyle for me, something new I hadn’t tried yet but should, because it would show me a new side of existence. Don’t look at me like that, I’m trying to explain my reasons.” He said, smiling a little. Of course Jaejoong would roll his eyes at his words. How could he understand? The way Changmin saw it, Jaejoong was born this way, his desire had always been the same and from the time his body started developing, he had lusted after other boys. He knew what it was like. Changmin hadn’t been born with it. In a way, he had learned to lust after another male.

Watching and studying his fellow members, he had taken an interest in this side of life and had decided to try it. The circumstances had been different, but the result had been the same. It wasn’t easy to explain his feelings to Jaejoong, but in order to be forgiven he had to make the other understand. Even though it would probably be better not to mention Yoochun in this. Changmin knew their bond was very strong, they were best friends and shared everything with the other. He wouldn’t be surprised of Yoochun knew all along that Jaejoong was in love with their leader. And he wouldn’t be surprised if Jaejoong had also tried to persuade Yoochun to make the first move on Junsu. Yeah, it was for the best not to mention Yoochun’s involvement in Changmin’s awoken homosexual interest.

Jaejoong said nothing, he remained silent, watching the other, staring even at him. Changmin felt like he wasn’t even blinking. It unsettled him a little, Jaejoong’s eyes were fierce and dark, he could stare pretty well. And it made it nearly impossible to read him.
“After you confessed being homosexual-“ Changmin tried to avoid the word ‘gay’, it would make it sound not serious enough in his opinion “I took an interest in this topic. I knew nothing of this lifestyle, I had never met anyone, you were the first. And it just took me from there to where I am now.”
“And where are you now?” Jaejoong asked, playing with the collar of his shirt.

Changmin shrugged. He didn’t know yet, not really. He hadn’t completed his study yet, there was still so much to learn, to experience and understand. In a way he was still a novice, even though he had tried to convince Yoochun of the opposite. He wasn’t as innocent as Junsu, no, but he wasn’t far enough to catch up to Yoochun or Jaejoong.
“I wanted the same experience you had. Don’t ask me why, I just thought it was something I had to try to be equal to-“
Before he could finish, Jaejoong snorted angrily. “Look, Jaejoong hyung is doing it, it must be fun, I should try it too- was that what you thought?” he spat and Changmin could clearly hear the disgust in his voice. But if he was disgusted by Changmin or himself, he couldn’t tell.
“That’s not it. I responded to the idea of being with another man more than I should have, I had considered myself straight up to this point. It was just because you confessed to us that I was confronted with the idea and it was appealing enough not to run from it.”

And that was the truth, even though he had been a little disgusted at first, but it had proofed to be nothing that horrible. It was now normal for him now, to a certain point. He wanted to tell Jaejoong this, that he saw nothing wrong with it anymore and that the other had helped him understand this side of him better. At least in the beginning. After his confession he had wanted to look things up, to have more knowledge, understand it. Yoochun had helped in his way too. And he was grateful for this opportunity to grow and change. But it seemed Jaejoong was not very happy about his confession.
“It’s not something you choose to be or do.” he told him, clearly upset about the way Changmin had started their conversation, telling him it had been interesting enough to try out.

“I know. I never choose to. I chose to try, but if I didn’t have the tendency, never would I have stayed with it.” He confessed. He had never thought about it deeply. Lust was lust, his body wanted, needed contact with others, he wouldn’t feel complete if he stayed alone forever. It was natural to desire females, to want to be close to them, embrace and hold them. Maybe it was also natural to desire another male. Only history, conscience and society rules kept people from doing it. Changmin wasn’t sure. Maybe they all had the tendency, a lot of people just choose to ignore it.
When he looked at their group, wasn’t it obvious? Jaejoong was clearly interested in males, had been from the beginning. Yoochun didn’t care about it too much. He was more than obsessed with Junsu, but outside he had always only dated girls due to society and possible scandals. Yunho at least was interested in it. His heart had already accepted Jaejoong, he just refused to acknowledge it fully, refraining from too much physical contact, not allowing his body to accept him as well.

Junsu? Junsu was different. Changmin didn’t know if he was interested in anything at all. He had dated just twice. Once in school and once after debut, but he had never gone past kissing. And even more interesting was that, even though they had lived together for years, breathing the same air, drinking in each other’s scents and heat, Changmin had walked in on Junsu pleasuring himself only twice. Twice in all the years they had been living together. With everyone else it had been more. Yoochun held the highest record, Changmin had lost count but it must be over 15 times already. Maybe even over 20. After the first two years they had learned to respect each other’s privacy and had started knocking on the doors, well, sometimes at least. What was Junsu? A saint? Changmin couldn’t understand it.

“So you should know how I feel.” Jaejoong pouted, the anger was nearly gone from his face, but in his eyes was still this glare, telling him that he was not forgiven yet.
Changmin shook his head. “You are the second person I’m telling this. Okay, by my own choice at least.” He could see in Jaejoong’s eyes that he wanted to know who the first person was. It was always the same with the oldest. He was insecure, not only about himself but also about the other members liking him. He knew Yoochun liked him and he had always hoped Yunho would like him too, more than just a friend. But he didn’t really know how to define his relationship with Junsu and Changmin. The three of them had never clicked like that. They had worked on their relationship to make it how it was now. For the other three, their relationship had come naturally.

But Changmin said nothing. He didn’t want to reveal that Yoochun already knew before him. And he didn’t want to reveal who else knew about him, but he had no other choice. He needed to tell Jaejoong how everything had happened.
“Well, I’m just telling you what happened, okay? I got curious too but I knew I couldn’t talk to any of you about it, I didn’t want to hear you talk about it. There was something keeping me from it, I felt too embarrassed.” Changmin swallowed, the lump of guilt thick in his throat. He knew he was lying. It was not about being embarrassed but about being too proud to ask for help. He had wanted to experience it all by himself, to proof to them and himself that he was able to cope with any type of situation by himself. He hoped Jaejoong wouldn’t notice. And it seemed he didn’t. He just nodded once, but seemed still a little suspicious.

“Was that all? We’ve been friends for so long, but still you can’t open up to us? To me?” he asked, sadness shining from his eyes and audible in his voice. He tried to cover it with moving, changing his position slightly, looking around.
Changmin felt bad, he knew Jaejoong had always tried to be a good friend, from the beginning he had been nice and wonderful to him. But sometimes he had tried to hard and Changmin hadn’t been able to cope well with it. He knew Jaejoong craved recognition from his friends more than anyone else he had met until now, but Changmin couldn’t always give him that. It wasn’t the problem of opening up to him, but sometimes he had felt as if Jaejoong wanted to know more about him than he would reveal in return. Changmin didn’t want anyone poking around his private matters, yet he had done the same to Jaejoong and Yoochun and slowly he acknowledged his mistake.

“That’s not the problem. I just didn’t want to come between you. You were already too concerned about Yunho, you wanted him and he kind of wanted you too, so I didn’t want to burden you with my problems when you had your own. The same with Yoochun and Junsu. Just one look at him and I could see he’s head over heels with him, but Junsu never understands these kind of situations and that was hurting Yoochun more and more. I couldn’t talk to him, he would have been reminded too much of his own situation.” Changmin tried to explain his reasons in a way Jaejoong would understand, without revealing his true nature too much. Yes, this had been one of the reasons he hadn’t talked to anybody, because they were already paired up perfectly and had been dealing with their own problems. He would have felt like interfering, disturbing. So he hadn’t. He had tried to find someone else to talk and learn from or with.

“Changmin, we may have our own problems and… feelings, but we would never forget you. I would never choose Yunho over you, if you came to me with problems and fears, you know that. I would pay attention to you…” Jaejoong sad, hurt from the words their youngest had said. He had just wanted to be a good friend for everyone. He knew his feelings for Yunho got in the way sometimes, he focused a lot on their leader and sometimes missed that the other members needed him as well, but he had always hoped for them to approach him if he wasn’t aware of things, he had hoped they would believe and trust in him enough to raise their voice and scold him if needed. Yunho might feel the same for him, but he did scold him and lecture him if he wasn’t paying attention or did something wrong. Well, Yunho was their leader, he had to look after them and pay attention to everyone equally. He was too perfect for that role. Jaejoong sighed and glanced to the door, through which Yunho had left him alone only minutes before, saying he needed to look after their youngest and the two goofballs, in case anything happened. And that after their confession and kiss. Jaejoong had hoped for more.

Changmin noticed his distant look and instantly understood what Jaejoong was thinking about. He knew the other well enough and he had told him once way back, even before their debut, that he sometimes just zoned out and needed someone to get him back from wherever his mind wandered off to. He had thanked Yunho for doing that for him, for being the leader Jaejoong could never be, despite him being the oldest.
Smiling Changmin stood up and sat down beside Jaejoong, he grabbed his hand, holding it tight. “You can’t be like Yunho, it’s okay to not pay attention to all of us sometimes. We all need to be selfish sometimes.”
Jaejoong looked at him, forcing a smile. “I know, I just wish I could be less selfish.” He shrugged and lay down on the bed, his hand still holding Changmin’s. In that moment Changmin realised again why he could feel relaxed in Jaejoong’s presence, why he had felt a connection between them right from the start, even though he had felt the other invading his personal space.

They had a lot in common. Both loved being selfish for their own reasons, but they also felt bad when they thought of their friends, their little five-member family. They weren’t trying to be bad, it just happened, but when it happened, they tried their best to make everything right again. Their only problem was, they weren’t good with words. Changmin never telling what was on his mind and Jaejoong blurting everything out, as soon as it entered his head and with it hurting the ones close to him. In their own special way they had closed each other off from the others. And because of that Changmin hadn’t always felt like the odd one out. Just sometimes.
“You wouldn’t be our Jaejoong anymore.” he said smiling, squeezing Jaejoong’s hand.
“You’re just being nice.” He snorted, laughing a little. “But tell me, are you really fine? I do care, you know?” he said, sincere and honest.

He turned his head, looking at him questioningly. Changmin returned it, watching him silently for some seconds. He didn’t know if he should really tell this the other, it was rather personal and he didn’t want things to get even more out of control. If Jaejoong knew, Yunho would hear it too. Yoochun of course too. From then it would only be a matter of time before Junsu knew. It would be really embarrassing if all of them knew about it.
“I’ll be honest… I don’t want you to know everything. But because I spilled your secret, it’s only fair that you know mine. Just… try not to tell Yunho or Yoochun too quickly okay?” he laughed a little, lying down beside him.
Jaejoong wanted to protest, his mouth already open, when he caught himself and remained silent. There was no use denying it, he would tell the other two sooner or later. Yoochun was his best friend, there was hardly anything he kept from him. And Yunho, well, he loved him and always felt guilty if he kept something from him.

He just nodded. “I’ll try.” And it was his honesty that Changmin loved about him. Jaejoong wasn’t someone who lied. He tried to avoid situations were he would be forced to reveal too much, but if he had no other choice he would either remain silent or just say it. He knew being honest sometimes meant pain and sadness for the others, but lies could hurt even more.
“Okay, just to let you know, I was very curious about everything. And I needed someone to talk to, someone to maybe try things out with. It wasn’t the best idea I ever had, I know that now. But it was a good experience, I won’t deny that.” He confessed honestly, watching Jaejoong’s reaction with every word. The other just looked at him, waiting, anticipating. Changmin turned his head around, staring at the ceiling above them.

“I fooled around with someone from Super Junior.” he then confessed, unconsciously squeezing Jaejoong’s hand. The other held himself back, not asking who it was, even though he desperately wished to know. Changmin noticed it, his hand and body was moving, getting closer as if he could touch the secret if getting nearer, feel it rather than hear it from their youngest. But he just smiled. “I won’t tell you who. And just to calm you, we didn’t go all the way. Some kissing and touching, nothing more.”
He knew Jaejoong wanted to know that. Well, if they hadn’t been walked in by some of the other Super Junior members, maybe they would have gone all the way. But how should he know now? Some of them had been pretty harsh when words spread and they knew about them making out.
“Some people walked in on us doing these things, words spread and before I even could defend him or myself, people gathered around us and we ended up fighting. They said some harsh words, I said some harsh words and it just happened. Because some already suspected you of teaching me how to do it, they said so, using harsh words and curses. I answered back with the same force and along the way I confirmed their suspicion of you. And that’s how our management heard about it.”

Jaejoong listened, surprisingly calm and patient. He wished it had been somebody else, not a friend from Super Junior. Now he wouldn’t be able to look at them the same. They knew now that he was gay, they knew about Changmin also, wouldn’t that change their behaviour? Jaejoong didn’t know who was against it, but he would surely find out the next time they met. He wanted to ask something, but before he had even opened his lips fully, Changmin’s finger pressed against them.
“Jungsoo knows about it. I talked with him after everything. He wasn’t present when it happened, but one of the members phoned him and he came as soon as he could. He promised me he would take care of his members and try to solve the problem as best as he could.” Changmin assured the other. It hadn’t really helped, but he knew well enough to know that he would do his best. He was a wonderful friend and a great leader, but he also knew it was significantly harder to keep everything in order. His group was more than twice as big as theirs.

Jaejoong nodded, he understood his will to help even though it hadn’t really worked out in the end, but he should, when the time was right, thank the other for trying to help.
“He punished the ones that were… well. I don’t know what exactly happened, but seems like they got what they deserved.” Changmin said, not trying to hide the satisfaction in his voice. Well, it was done now, they could only look forward. “Once again I apologize for bringing you into this situation. I never wanted things to get out of hand.”
Jaejoong laughed and rolled over, pinning the other against the mattress. Changmin looked at him with big eyes, questioningly, surprised. His body was warm against Changmin’s, his face was relaxed again, his eyes shining with laughter this time.
“I know. Well, thanks for telling me. And sorry… about your cheek.” he said a little sheepish, smiling and caressing the skin he had abused before. “I was scared you would hate me for something, for being myself and therefore creating problems with our management.” he confessed, his heart still hurt by the way Changmin had treated him in the kitchen, snapping at him for no apparent reason.

The younger one just shook his head. “No, I could never hate you. Even though I get tired of you sometimes, but who doesn’t? Even Yunho sometimes wants to smash your head against the next wall.” he laughed, pushing the other off. Both laughed a bit, rolling around the bed, pushing and kicking at each other playfully. How long it took, they didn’t know, but after some time they stopped moving and lay down, breathless but still smiling. Changmin felt better. Not only because he had been able to confess everything but also because he felt free. With Jaejoong he could be young and carefree, telling jokes and smacking him whenever he felt like it. It was a little childish and usually he tried his best to be mature and serious, but with Jaejoong he let himself free sometimes. Maybe it was because of his character. Despite being the oldest, he was the one with the most mischief in mind at times. His pranks on Junsu and Yoochun had been great, in their first year living together they hadn’t dared to use the bathroom after Jaejoong or let him fold their clothes after washing. He had always been up to something.

Now he was older and didn’t do that anymore, but he still joked around a lot, especially with Changmin. Maybe for him it was the opposite. He could let himself be free when he was with the youngest, feeling his age and the freedom it could bring being the youngest. Really, it was the best excuse one could have for being silly. But whatever it was, sometimes they were perfect for each other. And Changmin was happy about that.
It was already pretty late, nobody had talked again for some time, they had just enjoyed the company of the other, when the door opened and Yoochun’s face came into view, his hair still wet from the shower.
“I just wanted to see if I can sleep here or if I need to get my things and sleep on the couch.” He watched both of them with interest, hope clearly visible on his face that he could sleep in his bed and not on the couch. He hated when he had to do that.
Changmin smiled, stood up from the bed. “I’ll go. It’s late already.” He turned around, smiling at Jaejoong before facing Yoochun again. He looked at him, his wet hair reflecting the light from the hall and the lamp in the room. He looked tired and Changmin felt bad for occupying their room for so long. Yoochun needed to sleep.

“You shouldn’t let your hair dry like that. It’s fall already, you’ll catch a cold.” he told him, smiling a little. But it was still Yoochun, the one who could wear sandals even in November. Said one grinned at him. Some drops fell down from his hair on his shoulders, some even running down his cheeks, down to his neck. He caught one of the drops with his finger, bringing it to his lips, licking it off. Yoochun just stared at him. Laughing he passed him. “Good night!” He called back to Jaejoong and went down the hall to his room.

Next

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:24:36 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 3
Wordcount: 7.836
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin (if you squint really hard)
Rating: PG13

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

If one of the other members had done it, he would’ve laughed at him for being childish. But for himself he didn’t feel immature or childish, it just had been the only solution in the situation. Where else could he have gone to? The bathroom was the only room they could lock. And he couldn’t face any of the others right now. it had been his fault, both things. Getting angry at Jaejoong wouldn’t erase the guilt in his heart, wouldn’t make him feel better about everything. The guilt was overwhelmingly strong, it hurt him, made him shudder and shake. He felt so lost, so alone. There was nobody to turn to, the others already had their counterpart, only he was alone, he would always circle around, from one to the other, always telling them pieces but never the whole piece, the whole extent of his heart.

Everyone knew a bit of him, but nobody knew him completely, probably nobody could understand him. Why couldn’t they have been six? Or why not only four? He knew he would have stayed behind, he was the last to join, the last to come into their circle, he also was the youngest. Right from the beginning he hadn’t been meant to fit into them, the picture seemed so crowded with him in it.

He felt lost every time he saw them talk together. When Jaejoong slapped Yunho’s arm away, when he was preparing dinner, preventing the leader to mess up his arrangement. When Yoochun tickled Junsu, rolling over him on the floor, fighting for the remote control to change to his favourite show. They had each other.

For years he had tried to come with them, join them in their activities, become a great person they couldn’t overlook anymore. He had tried. Tried to be as cute as Junsu. Tried to be as tough as Yunho. Tried to be as artistic as Yoochun. Tried to be as fighting as Jaejoong. But nothing had worked for him, there was no concept for him, no characteristic trade that fit him and made him noticeable in their group. He was always only recognised as the youngest. Or maybe the tallest, but that wasn’t his accomplishment, it had just happened to him. With all the fighting, with all the trying, he hadn’t gotten very far. And he felt unbelievable sad about it. Especially when there was nobody to whine to, nobody to listen to him and encourage him not to give up. Sometimes he needed that too.

Really, he preferred to be alone. But that shouldn’t surprise anyone, given the four natural disasters he lived with. He loved them, he really did, they had become a second family, but they left a trail of destruction behind them wherever they went. Naturally Changmin despised chaos, but he was confronted with it every day. Yunho was messy, Jaejoong was clumsy, Yoochun was sneaky, Junsu was gullible and every time two of them got together, chaos broke lose, turning their apartment into hell’s courtyard. He wished he could have his own room, but at the same time he feared if he was given his own space the others would forget about him, exclude him completely from their life.

So he was left with Junsu and Yunho in his room, both of them being loud before going to bed, talking on the phone, playing games, throwing curses at each other while laughing about it. Changmin rarely joined. He just watched.
And that was what he had done for years. He had watched them, studied them and their habits, finding their little secrets. He knew more about them than they expected from him. Most of the time they were too occupied with each other to notice him standing in the corner, taking in every word and gesture, every glance and sound.

He knew about Yunho. The leader who was always proud of his members and emphasised this in every interview they had, but in reality he was jealous. Sometimes he would wake up at night and sneak out of the room, entering their working rooms and look through the papers the others had written for new songs, reading their lyrics and notes. Sometimes he would get frustrated, grab a drink from the fridge and stand on the balcony and stare out into the night.

He knew about Junsu. The little joker who tried to make everyone laugh when the mood was down, doing his famous oyaji gags on concerts and funny noises in front of the television when everyone else got quiet, not because he liked being funny but because he wanted attention. He tried to pull the others in, making them notice him, look at him when their attention was focused somewhere else. He sometimes would watch their concerts on his laptop, looking at the audience, trying to figure out who might look at him, if someone had come just to see him.

He knew about Yoochun. The gentleman who could flatter everyone with his words and gentle nature, who was always full of emotions and showed everyone who much their group meant to them, when he sometimes just wanted to flee from this life and drown in melancholy. For years he had been desperate to have something outside of their group, he had gone out, finding girls in clubs, kissing and embracing them the same night, while drowning in too much alcohol and cigarettes.

He knew about Jaejoong. The strong willed beauty with many hardships in his life who could always hold his believe through everything and worked hard to be perfect for their fans, but he feared he would never be, because he thought nobody else was more imperfect than himself. He was adopted, he hadn’t been perfect enough for his real family. And he was gay, so he wasn’t perfect enough for his new family also. At nights he would sometimes look at old pictures of himself and his family and cry over them, that he would never be the son to them they deserved to have.

He knew about them and about the things they were hiding from each other. Yoochun had never let Junsu catch him with one of his girls. The first two years after debut things had been hectic and Yoochun had needed these girls to release his stress and anger, so he wouldn’t turn to one of them. All this time Junsu had never suspected anything and was probably clueless even now years after Yoochun had stopped going out.

Yunho had never admitted that he felt losing to the others in artistic talent. He would always only praise them for their good work while in private he would write his own lyrics, compose his own songs just to rip the papers apart every other night, starting from zero again.
Junsu had smiled every day, every night, every time someone had spoken to him he had been shining, but not deep from within. His smile had rarely reached his eyes and he had kept silent about it, still playing the joker even in his hardest times, trying to be strong for everyone else. And then before sleeping, while brushing his teeth, he had cried silently in front of the mirror.

Jaejoong had also always cried alone, hiding his tears and the pictures of his family, never showing anyone that he was ashamed of being gay. After he had confessed to his friends, he had told them it was natural for him and he couldn’t change. It was his reality. After that he had never said anything about it anymore, he had returned back to being their Jaejoong again. But exactly one week after his confession, he had broken down at 3 in the morning, lying alone in the kitchen on the floor, spilled milk around him, crying his eyes and heart out of fear of being rejected by his fellow members for being different, for being sinful.

Changmin was sure he was the only one who knew all of this. Despite everyone always stating they rarely kept secrets from each other, Changmin knew better. Everyone had their secrets, they tried to hide behind smiles and fake promises, they lied to each other and in secret they took of their masks and became someone else. Their true image, Changmin had studied them for years now, he was sure he knew a lot, but he didn’t know enough yet.

These four were older than him, growing up meant coming to their level. If he was on the same level, he would be considered the same, he would also be an adult. Because that was what he really wanted. He was the youngest, he was thrown into the life of DBSK younger than them. He had had the same time to grow up till now, but he was still two years behind them. He had to grow these two years extra in the same time. And soon he realised the others were getting ahead of him. Soon after debut, when he had still been innocent and full of hopes and dreams, he had found out about the secrets the others tried to keep from each other.

He saw them interacting with each other, sneaking around with the truth, hiding who they really were. True, also back then he had been shy and mostly silent, but he had never tried to hide his true self. He had been the oldest in his family and had felt the pressure of growing up fast and be a good role model for his younger siblings. And he had tried. For him the other four became his role models. If he could follow them, he would be able to make up for the time he was behind. He couldn’t allow them to call him the youngest and play with him as if he was their younger brother. He wasn’t used to this treatment and it angered him, depressed him, but he never said anything. He would show them. In time he would grow up, he would show them how mature he could be, what he was capable of and that he could be the older brother just as good as the other four. Maybe even better. Because especially Junsu lacked in that department.

He was still too immature to give advices or shoulder the burden for someone else, so he became Changmin’s rival, the one Changmin tried his best to overcome. But to overcome the other four, he had to understand them first, he needed the strength to become great. And strength could only come from knowledge, he had learned that very early in his life. The harder he worked on his good grades, the more he was acknowledged by the other four and also by his family, praising his maturity, his strong will to learn and study hard. Knowledge would give him the needed advantage he had thought. And thus his mission had started.

First watching them, he had studied and as time went by he had started imitating. His first kiss had been very early, doing it around the same time Junsu had his. He had just searched for someone to do this with so he wouldn’t stay behind. He experienced kissing and felt himself getting closer to the level he wanted to reach. He went out drinking with Jaejoong although he was still far too young. He drank too much that time, getting wasted as the result. But still he didn’t stop. When Yoochun started dating and fooling around with his girls, Changmin did the same. He went to clubs, just like Yoochun did, even using a fake ID he got from some contacts in the business. He searched for willing partners and tried out everything he could with them.

The others had done it as well, so if he wanted to catch up to them he needed to have the same experiences, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to talk with them at the same level. Well, for Junsu it was still different. The other three members had already done more than kissing, he was sure of it. Sometimes he had even caught them trying to hide the evidence of their doing. Like Yunho stashing a pack of condoms in his pillowcase. Or Yoochun hiding pamphlets about pregnancy prevention between his magazines. But Junsu was still innocent. And Changmin was glad about it. At least he had passed one level already. But he needed to know more about the other three. So he started his investigation on Yunho first.

There wasn’t so much to know about the other, but it was good to talk to him about the characteristics a man should have. In Changmin’s eyes Yunho was the manliest, he was the one who knew how to hide his feelings and be strong in every situation. With talking to him, studying him he learned to mask his emotions perfectly and stay in control in front of the camera. And most of the time at home too.

Next was Yoochun. He was a playboy, he could get every woman he wanted. And Changmin needed to have his confidence and technique if he wanted to achieve the same level Yoochun already possessed. So he tried to spy on him when he went out dating. It was tough finding out when he would have a date, because he was very sneaky with it, hiding it from the others, especially Junsu. But Changmin succeeded. He would wait sometimes hours in his room, keeping himself awake and waiting for Yoochun to leave the apartment or phone one of his recent toys. Because that was all they were to him. Yoochun never met up with them more than 3 times. Most of the time only once, because he didn’t want to lead them on.

First Changmin hadn’t been sure why he did it. He could’ve dated all of them for months, they loved and adored him, they did everything he asked them to and were more than loyal to him. Even after he broke their hearts by playing with them, they never leaked anything to the media. They stayed silent, probably hoping he would come back to them one day. He tried and tried, but he couldn’t figure the other out. He was very emotional, that was clear, but he could hide his true feelings really well if he needed to. Changmin thought he just hadn’t met the right girl yet. Maybe they all lacked something very important, something Yoochun was desperately searching for.

So he continued on Jaejoong. He always had thought the other beautiful, despite his cold image. His first impression on him hadn’t been the best, but soon he had grown on him and Changmin felt the affection deep in his heart every time he looked at him. He had become a brother pretty fast and Changmin was very curious what the other could teach him about maturity, about being a man, an adult. He loved how Jaejoong spoke his mind, showing that he was strong enough to be himself. At least he had thought that. When he realised Jaejoong was the one to hide his inner self the most, he had been shocked. Jaejoong was gay, he had confessed it to them soon after their debut. Changmin hadn’t been able to cope well with it, he had always admired the strength in the oldest, only to see his perfect image being ripped apart. What should he do? How could he accept something like that?

Now it was clear why Jaejoong had never really dated anyone. But was it really bad to be gay? Changmin always thought it strange how society worked, how they labelled some things as good that were bad in his opinion and vice versa. Jaejoong was gay, yes, but after he had confessed to them, he had grown more daring and brave among them. He still tried not to show his side of him too much, Changmin never found magazines or anything lying around, but the mood had changed. Jaejoong felt more free and relieved to Changmin. And from there he had started wondering again. What was it like to be gay? Was it part of what gave Jaejoong strength to endure their life as stars and even before, had he been able to draw strength from knowing who he was? Because he had accepted his sexuality and had shared it with them, hadn’t Jaejoong matured more with this?

Changmin found this level the hardest to obtain. He couldn’t turn gay like Jaejoong just because he wanted to, could he? With girls it was no problem. He kissed and touched them and it felt great. But boys? That was a different story. He was already grossed out by the thought of their parings. Yunjae and Yoosu, Kiss couple, Soulfighter, that was something he endured because he had to. He never liked it. But he wanted to know more about it. Up to that point he had never met any gay person, his knowledge on homosexuality, their problems and fears, society and law, was very limited, so he needed to know more. He started to search on the internet, going around sites with general information, law cases, news about gay actors or singers who came out to the public, the problems young adults faced when they discovered their sexuality. He also found porn sites. He wasn’t an expert on that subject, but he found it only natural to watch porn, every grown up man did that. So did he. He was sure Yunho did the same. Yoochun didn’t need to at first with his girls, but now he surely did it as well. Junsu, Changmin wondered, did he even pleasure himself? And Jaejoong? Well, he surely watched porn too. Just with boys instead of girls.

And Changmin did too. It was horrible at first, seeing everything so clear in front of him. But a man could face even something he didn’t like, so he tried again and again. And he learned with it. And soon it was normal, only natural to watch both straight and homosexual videos. And both times Changmin felt himself respond to it. Sometimes he felt he needed more than his hand, he needed to know what others did as well. He had overcome his uneasiness with homosexual topics, so he investigated on Jaejoong again. He couldn’t ask him about it, he had never been good with words and he didn’t want anyone to know he was studying the others. Only without them knowing it he would catch up.

It wasn’t a nice thing to do, but his only option. When they were out, he tried to stay at home, saying he wasn’t feeling very well or wanted to study (which wasn’t really a lie). And when he was sure they were gone, he went to Jaejoong’s room, searched his belongings, finding things he never thought possible. Magazines, pictures and notes, a diary, everything together in a box under his bed, showing him a new side of Jaejoong. There was also an album full of pictures, of everyone at shootings, vacations, television shows, pictures they had taken with their own cell phones and cameras. But most of the pictures were of Yunho. With words and little signs drawn around them. That’s how Changmin found out about Jaejoong’s love for Yunho. Even before Jaejoong really admitted it himself, before he even voiced it out to their leader, Changmin already knew. And it made him more than uneasy.

He felt he had intruded Jaejoong’s life too much and since then kept his distance, he never looked through his things again after that. The same with Yoochun’s stuff. Because they had also shared a room back then, he had found some things that belonged to Yoochun, but looking at them at first he had thought them to be Jaejoong’s too. That’s how he found Yoochun’s little secret. And his shock was even worse than with Jaejoong. It had always been kind of obvious that he loved their leader deeply, Changmin had only thought it was brotherly love. Now he knew better. But with Yoochun? Well, he had thought different about the other but now after his discovery things became clearer for him too. And he felt he had matured a lot through his discovery.

For months everything was back to normal again. He studied the others in their daily routine, watching really closely when Jaejoong and Yunho were doing something together. It was interesting to see them interact with each other and how Jaejoong would act around their leader, often glance at him when he wasn’t looking, trying to touch him even if it wasn’t necessary or follow him when he just went to the living room to sit down and watch television. But most of his attention lay with Yoochun. He wasn’t obvious, he was hiding very well behind his mask. This was the same how it had been with the girls he had dated, he had never showed them his true self. And now he was hiding it too. He was so good at it. Hadn’t Changmin found his secret, he would have been fooled too. But now he knew. And it was even more interesting to watch him now.

One night, everyone was asleep already, he woke up to a sound in the hallway. Someone was walking down, coming to their door. Yunho and Junsu were sleeping, Yunho snoring a bit while Junsu lay tangled in his sheets, his upper body and left leg exposed. Yunho was completely covered, his head half sticking out from under his pillow. Changmin never understood how the other two could sleep like this. He remained silent, while the sound came nearer, stopped for a while in front of their door. Finally the door opened and Yoochun entered their room, only a towel around his waist, his hair wet and still dripping. He had showered? At this time? Changmin didn’t dare to move. He was lying on his side, he had the bed at the other side of the room and could watch the door and the other two beds well from his spot. Carefully he grabbed the blanket and pulled it up more to hide his face in case Yoochun noticed him watching.

But his attention was fully on Junsu. He stood still in front of his bed, watching him with an unreadable expression on his face, his eyes clouded and dark. The only light in the room was coming from the hallway, bathing everything with a faint glow, Junsu’s skin was shining with it, his lips glittered moist and red. Changmin could see the desire in Yoochun’s eyes, his wish to touch and kiss, to caress and hold. But he knew he couldn’t. Sighing he bend down, his lips ghosting over Junsu’s forehead. His hands found the bottom of his shirt, pulling it up little by little, exposing Junsu’s belly and chest. Yoochun was very careful with his movements, if the other woke everything would be over, he knew that, the fear was evident on his face, but his desire was far greater than his fear. Changmin watched him, tense, holding his breath.

Yoochun let his hand ghost over Junsu’s skin, touching, feeling his muscles on his stomach, circling around the navel, tracing a line up to his chest. His thumb brushed over one nipple, only slightly, but Yoochun shuddered with the sensation he felt. It was hard to hold himself back, Changmin watched him fight his own body, his hands shaking with the effort. But eventually he gave in. Bending down he placed kisses on his chest, his tongue darting out and grazing the bud he had brushed before with his fingers. Junsu stirred, his head rolling to the other side, moaning slightly. Yoochun drew back slowly, taking a step backwards. Again he stood there, taking in the sight of the other, before he turned around and closed the door behind him again.

Changmin was still hiding under his blanket, staring ahead into the darkness. Was this something Yoochun had done before? Had he been able to sneak into their room more than just this once, always kissing and touching Junsu in a fashion the other would probably never allow? Was this-?
Suddenly he was jolted by the sound of someone banging against the door. He hadn’t realised he had been so absorbed in his own thoughts for that long. He had been inside the bathroom for more than 90 minutes already, sure someone would like to use it too now.
“Come on, Changmin, open the door. You can’t solve anything with hiding.” came Yoochun’s voice from the other side of the wooden door. Well, naturally it would be Yoochun, he probably wanted to throw him out to brush his teeth and take a shower before going to bed. Deciding it had been long enough for him, he left his space beside the bathtub, where he had been sitting on the floor and opened the door for the other.
“Sorry for taking so long.” he said apologizing, trying to pass him and leave, but the other grabbed his arm und pulled him back inside, closing and locking the door behind them.

“You can not run anymore, Changmin. Either you tell me what’s bothering you or I’ll drown your sorry ass in the bathtub.” Yoochun looked at him, his expression stern and serious. Changmin knew he should’ve solved his problem already, but how could he approach Jaejoong after today? The other was surely still sad and angry about the words their management had told him today. And if he knew the real reason for it, he would even be more down. Changmin couldn’t really apologise to him. At least not now, he had wanted to wait until the next day, or even the day after that, he wouldn’t dare to upset his friend more than he already was. But the person demanding an answer wasn’t Jaejoong right now. And Yoochun kind of deserved an explanation. He was after all the person who was affected by any fight in their group the most. Well, Junsu sometimes took it harder, but he himself couldn’t handle his own fights very well, so usually he stayed out of any other fight too, so there wasn’t really much to handle for him if he fled the scene. But Yoochun always wanted to help. At least as best as he could to make the tension leave their apartment.

Changmin sat down in his previous spot again, his back against the wall, sighing. “It’s not easy. There is so much you don’t know about me that would explain everything better.” He was pretty sure that for the most part he stilled remained a mystery to Yoochun and the others. If the others knew about him, they would be able to hold power over him and he didn’t like that thought. He never hid himself, no, but he never showed too much to give them something they could use on him. That was what he thought at least.
Yoochun sat down on the bathtub, watching the younger with curious eyes. “You think I don’t know you?” he asked a little confused. What would he need to know to understand his and Jaejoong’s fight? That was kind of ridiculous, that had been living together for years, he knew everything there was to know about Changmin. He laughed it off. “Trying to be all mysterious, hm, little maknae!”
Changmin didn’t like the taunting tone and even more the word maknae. He couldn’t help being the youngest, but for years he had fought for his place among and not beneath them. If Yoochun used this word, then it made him feel like everything he had done up until now had been futile.

He turned his head, looking at Yoochun reproachful. “I’m not saying you don’t know me. Just that I know you more.” he corrected the other. In reality it would still be the same, Changmin noticed after he had said it. He felt bad suddenly, he wasn’t fighting with Yoochun, he shouldn’t be so rude and grumpy, he didn’t hold any grudge against the elder. At least not right now. when it came to conversation Yoochun was the one who treated him the most like an equal.
But Yoochun didn’t seem to be offended, he only smiled a little, leaving his spot and sitting down beside Changmin. “So, you know me more than I know you? What do you know then?” he asked curious, challenging the other with his eyes.
Maybe he should tell him, Changmin thought. He could pretend nothing was wrong, quarrel with him a bit about how he would always keep anything to himself and how dare he lie to Yoochun about everything being alright, when he had been in the bathroom for over an hour. But in the end Changmin would surely win.

Yoochun wasn’t able to handle fighting well. When he was angry, he would hide himself, so he wouldn’t get violent or say things he might regret later. Changmin wasn’t. he fought openly, always telling what was on his mind, he would even get loud and violent sometimes, throwing and punching if he needed. He didn’t hide his inner devil, what would be the purpose? He tried to avoid situations where he would let him out, but if he was caught in one, he would do what his inner self wanted him to. And yes, this one time he had shown his full anger, what he was capable off and since then the others knew they shouldn’t mess with him. So he would probably have the upper hand if he were to fight Yoochun now.
But he didn’t want to. The other had come to him to talk and it was rare, that someone gave him all of his attention, so why shouldn’t he take it?

“I guess Junsu threw you out or fell asleep on you? Surprising that you’re not bothering him.” he said teasingly.
And for a second Yoochun’s face fell, his look changed, but it was over so fast, Changmin wasn’t sure he had really witnessed it. Was there something going on? No, surely not. He knew both of them, they wouldn’t fight, they wouldn’t have problems, not right now. It got always loud when both of them quarrelled, usually Yoochun would cry too and Junsu would run away, going for walk or retreating to the rooftop of the building. And most of the time, while Yoochun was still drying his tears, Junsu would come back and apologise, it didn’t matter who started their fight, Junsu would always apologise for Yoochun’s part too. That’s how their relationship worked.

“Well, he was getting bored and wanted me to play games with him, but I fled.” Yoochun offered as explanation. And it sounded plausible to Changmin. As much as all of them loved games he knew how exhausting it could be to play with Junsu, especially if he wasn’t able to win the game.
“I see. That’s so typical of you. You can’t be without him, but you also can’t be with him all the time. You are tearing yourself apart whether to love or to hate him.” Changmin joked, pocking Yoochun’s side. The other laughed a little, nodding to it.
“That’s why our love is so special.”
And yeah, it was special. Changmin knew that. He had witnessed a lot of moments between them, always watching, studying them. Junsu was too naïve, too clueless all the time to suspect anything, but Yoochun must have noticed something, right? But in all the months, the years, he had never said anything. Maybe because Changmin was too much of a little brother to him to talk with him about these things, he couldn’t really open up to him without feeling embarrassed. Changmin wasn’t sure though what had kept Yoochun from opening up to him. He himself had asked Yoochun a lot of things. Especially about girls and how different it was in America to date a girl.

Yoochun had also given him some tips on first dates, how to ask a girl out and how to make her like you, how to flirt with words, touches and glances. Changmin had learned from him. More by secretly watching him, but also their talks had opened his eyes to this new topic and he had been glad for the other’s help. But Yoochun had never asked him for advice.
Turning his head around, he looked straight ahead of him, pulling his knees against his chest. “I know it is special. I know how you work, I’ve watched you enough to know what you’re thinking.” he started, deciding it was time to confess. He wanted to be honest with Yoochun, because he had felt a connection with the other through his examination. Yoochun wasn’t pure, he was everything but innocent, it called out to Changmin’s soul to see him like this. They had a lot in common. And if Yoochun let him, he could become his best pupil in learning his way of life.
Yoochun was silent, instantly grasping the serious tone, the importance of Changmin’s words. He bent forward a little, watching Changmin’s face with curiosity. “Well, he is a very good friend, that’s obvious for everyone.”

“He is more than that. And I’m surprised Yunho is still as clueless as Junsu himself.” Changmin said, turning his head to look straight into Yoochun’s eyes. “How can he still be so innocent when it’s you, who loves him?” he asked. And really, Changmin had no answer to that. Yoochun’s love was sincere, he loved from his heart, Changmin could see that, but there was nothing pure or innocent about his love, his desire was dark and tainted and he really admired Yoochun for staying so strong all this time. If it had been him, he would have grabbed Junsu already and made him plead for mercy. But maybe Yoochun’s love was different from the lust Changmin felt. He hadn’t loved anybody yet, nobody noticeable had crossed his path, he had only lusted after several people. Maybe he just couldn’t understand Yoochun yet. He wanted to. It was still something that separated him from the elder, maybe the key to Yoochun’s charm and confidence was his love.
Yoochun looked speechless for a second, not knowing what Changmin was really referring to. He blushed a little, caught and embarrassed he looked at the floor, sighing. Changmin could see him fight with himself, pondering how to answer, what to say now.

“There is nothing innocent about you, you’re desire is passion, want, you wish to have him like you have never wished for anything in your life. And you burn with it, every day a little more, but still you refuse to let it overtake you, you never approach him the way you want to, the way you secretly do.” Changmin said before the other could say anything. Yoochun looked at him with big eyes. “I know you. I’ve seen you do the things you do and try to hide from everyone. How can you bear looking but not having him?” he asked. And this was something he needed to know before he could understand Yoochun. His own lust was so different from Yoochun’s. His own desire was so strong sometimes, he couldn’t stand it anymore and when it hit him, he just went out and took what he wanted. But Yoochun had stayed silent and relatively innocent all this time, only allowing himself the sins he committed at night.

Yoochun looked at him for some time, speechless, cheeks tinted red and burning. Changmin was so brutally honest, it confused Yoochun, it disarmed him completely. The other could only smile a little at his silence. Not taunting, but just honest sympathy with his situation. Changmin was happy he had never a person like himself, he wouldn’t be able to handle too much honesty, but with the others he couldn’t stop it, he tried just to be a man and speak his mind, he couldn’t hide his inner self and he didn’t want to. That didn’t change the fact that it sometimes hurt to be honest.
“Well…” Yoochun started, still embarrassed and unsure how to handle this situation. “I would lose him if I were to approach him that forcefully.” He was honest with himself, if he were a little more daring with Junsu, he would probably scare him away. And Changmin had to agree with him. Junsu shouldn’t be caged, not even a little. When he felt danger, he fled. Far and fast. Nobody could deny Junsu was the fastest. He would leave Yoochun far behind and that would break the other, even more than being so close all the time and still so far from what he desired. “If he knew what I do… he would start to hate me. Maybe not hate me, but he would act different around me. Very different.”

Changmin nodded, taking Yoochun’s hand in his own. It was true. At first it had even shocked Changmin a little when he had found out about Yoochun’s little secrets. If it had been Junsu, the innocent boy wouldn’t have survived it. “I don’t think he would hate you. You need to rip his innocence from him, otherwise he will always stay the way he is now and you will never get closer to him.” he tried to give a good advice. It had worked for him after all. In the beginning he had been an innocent boy himself, but soon he had learned about the other members and had learned so much from them. His innocence had vanished with his new experiences and he had grown up to the man he was now. Junsu needed the same in his opinion. He had to stop looking at the world through rose tinted glasses.
Yoochun remained silent. Still holding hands he sat there, listening to the sounds around them, waiting for any word from the other, but it seemed he had nothing to say. So Changmin started again. “You have to tell him, show him how much you desire him. He already knows your heart’s desire, right? What about your body?”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Yoochun laughed. Sad and tired. He looked at Changmin, shaking his head. “He can’t even accept my heart, how would he be able to accept my body? Changmin, you don’t know what you’re talking about. He’d flee faster than we have ever seen him do.” Yoochun sounded very sure about that. And maybe he was, but without trying, how should he know? Changmin would surely be more daring, just say right out what he wanted and see where it took him. He had done so with everyone he had a interest in. But still, it wasn’t the same. They were in the same group, they needed to work with each other every day, of course Yoochun would have doubts.
But it was hard for Changmin to watch him be like this. Always longing without ever getting anything. He was his friend after all, Changmin also wanted him to be happy, even though it was hard for him to phrase this. Well, he had never been good with words, not with voicing out his feelings at least, insults were a different matter. But now he felt the desire to help Yoochun.

“Do you think so?” Changmin asked, licking his lips, choosing his next words carefully. “Just let him catch you or find some of your magazines. Show him the Japanese porn you keep, because of the actor who looks like him. Show him how you pleasure yourself watching him dance. Corrupt him, Yoochun.” He said with determination in his voice. This might be the only way out of his misery.
Yoochun looked at him with wide eyes, to startled to reply when he heard his secrets from Changmin’s mouth. Changmin took his chance and straddled his lap, pushing close to him. “Take him to sin, Yoochun. Let him have a taste of everything you can offer. Raise his desire for you, until he hungers for you as much as you hunger for him. As much as I have hungered for your sin.” With all his strength he grabbed Yoochun’s wrists, pinning his arms above his head against the wall. Smiling he moved his hips, grinding their bodies together. “You corrupted me. You took me down your road of sin and desire. My body awoke to you kissing and holding the girls you found in clubs. My own tainted lust awoke to you touching yourself, moaning Junsu’s name over and over while watching him dance on screen. Just for you.”

Yoochun looked at him, speechless and unmoving. It was a nice victory Changmin held over the other. He had never seen Yoochun so at loss for words, he obviously hadn’t expected their youngest to act this way, to know the things he did. And Changmin felt pride and content well in his chest. And the knowledge of being able to help Yoochun, the final satisfaction to be equal enough to offer advice.
“I sought girls and boys for myself, after watching you, after learning what the world could offer me. You took my innocence away and made me the man I am today. Do I shy away? Do I look lost and flustered sitting here with you like this? No, I don’t. I was as innocent as your beloved little Junsu, but I took what you offered me and I came to be a man who takes challenges, who doesn’t flee from things unknown to him. Jaejoong made me face something I had feared. You made me embrace it.” He smiled again, letting go of Yoochun’s wrists. The other lowered his arms, still looking at him confused and a little shocked, but also with curiosity in his eyes, the wish awoken to hear more. Yoochun wanted Junsu. And maybe Changmin could help him with this.

Before he could say anything, Changmin laid a finger against Yoochun’s lips. “I have come the same way. I might not be gay, I might not even be bisexual, I don’t know yet. But I have experienced it. After watching you, I went out. I kissed someone, I touched someone, I tried it, to see if I could do it or not. Do the same with Junsu. Let him taste his first sin and see if it intoxicates him as much as it did me.” Smiling, he stood up, stepping away from Yoochun and sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. Yoochun looked at him. “But don’t leave him alone. Don’t let him taste it by himself, he might not be able to handle it.” Changmin warned. And it was audible in his voice that he spoke from experience. Their was a sadness to his words that grabbed Yoochun’s heart instantly.
“It happened to you?” he asked carefully.
Changmin nodded, looking at him warningly. “I love Junsu as much as I hate him. I don’t want to see him hurt, so stay at his side and teach him. He will not flee. Our hearts were the same when we first met each other. Mine grew, his stayed the same. You can form it the way you want to, if you have confidence and dare to try it.” Looking up against the ceiling he sighed. With his fingers he tapped against the bathtub he was sitting on. “You four formed my heart, made it change. But I’m different from Junsu. He doesn’t posses my pride, it will be easier for him. Also to ask for help. I didn’t. And that’s why me and Jaejoong fought today.”

Should he tell him? Well, he already knew a lot now, why not tell him the rest also?
“I experienced some things with a friend. Words got around, his friends accused me of being gay, insulting me. I did the same. We fought, things got worse and I got angry. I can’t tell you everything, it’s personal and concerns other artist of our company, but as result Jaejoong’s secret was revealed. He got scolded today because I fought with the wrong people, because I turned to them for the wrong reasons. So I-”
someone knocking on the door made him stop. “Changmin? Don’t you think you should come out? You’re in there for nearly two hours.” Concerned Yunho. Well, he was probably finished talking to sulking and sad Jaejoong. Wasn’t that his jobs after all? Apart from also being deeply in love with him, but still denying it? This was the perfect moment for Changmin to step out. Talking with Yoochun had helped a lot. He felt great. Still there was guilt for making the mess Jaejoong was now caught in. But they were a family, they could help each other. And that was probably the first thing he needed to do.

“Coming.” He yelled to the door, ready to face Yunho and his questions. Not that he would answer them, at least not the way he had answered Yoochun. First he would talk with Jaejoong and then with Yunho. So he stood up and walked to the door. Yoochun was on his feet faster than ever before, grabbing his arm. “Changmin, we are not finished ye-“
“We are.” interrupted he Yoochun. “I told you everything I know, how I see it. If you could make me lust for you, even though I’m not in love with you, then you can surely do the same to Junsu. Just try it.” He said smiling. “And for myself… I have to apologise first to Jaejoong. We can always talk later.” He offered, turned around and embraced the other tightly. He wouldn’t say it, not even now, but he loved his family. As much as he hated them. Right from the beginning they had been wonderful, supportive and always there for him. He wasn’t the best little brother they could have, but they weren’t the best older brothers one could have too. They were all pathetic in some way. And that made their family so wonderful, so special and unique. If not for the five different personalities, the other four would have never developed the way they did. They still had a long way to go, but they had time.
Being merely 20 wasn’t old. He still had time to grow up.

He stepped back from Yoochun, turned around and opened the door. Yunho’s concerned eyes fell on him first, then they turned confused when they fell on Yoochun. Changmin laughed, patted Yunho’s shoulder before passing him.
“Changmin, wai-“ Yoochun stopped Yunho, grabbing his arm and forcing him stand still.
“I’ll apologise to Jaejoong.” Changmin called back over his shoulder at the door before turning around the corner. He could still hear Yunho talking to Yoochun and smiled.
“Yoochun, what happened?”
“Long story, but could you please move out of the way, I want to take a shower.”

Next

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 23:35:30 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 2
Wordcount: NA
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin
Rating: PG13

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.some charity cookies.

He needed to let them go, he couldn’t force anybody to talk to him or make everything better by force. Changmin was still in the bathroom, he had tried his best to get him out and open up, tell him what was wrong and why he had reacted that way. From his point of view his and Jaejoong’s fight hadn’t been bad, they had clashed a little, Changmin only speaking what had been on his mind, they were all a little edgy right now due to recent events. When they had been ordered to come to the office, they hadn’t been prepared for the things they had to hear there. Jaejoong had been their main target, but he and the others also had their share in accusation and warning. He couldn’t blame Changmin for being nervous and unsettled. He was the same. But it was even worse that he couldn’t help the other, there was nothing he could do. Even though he wanted to. They were his friends, all five of them belonged together, had been partners, family, for years now and he felt he should be able to take some of the pain and fear away. Wasn’t that his job?
How often had they called him the mood maker, the one who could make them laugh even though their hearts were crying? It was the thing he could probably do best. After all that time shouldn’t he do his job better, be there for everyone, laugh and joke and take the pressing atmosphere away? Shouldn’t his friends be able to rely on him?

They could rely on Yunho, he was always there, always placing himself last, his priority was with the other members, also now he tried his best to help, trying to soothe and comfort. He had seen him enter Jaejoong’s room, staying there for 41 minutes now and still counting. That was Yunho. Always reliable, always there, strong where the other’s were weak. Jaejoong must be down, he thought, of course he would be comforted by Yunho. They both couldn’t go without the other, it was as if they needed to be around each other a certain time every day or their engine would stop, running out of fuel. He had watched them pace around each other for years now, animals watching their prey, sharpening their claws but never dashing forward, as if not confident enough in their abilities, as if the other might run away and they would never be able to catch him again.
Why were both of them like that? Wasn’t it obvious, even if one ran away from the other, he would run only with the speed the other would be able to follow. They would allow the other to catch him, but both were too afraid of the time after that. After they had the other, what then? They wouldn’t know what to do, so they stayed with their routine, both knowing how far they could go without crossing that special line. They were both more confident in known environment anyway.

For Junsu himself, he didn’t care much. He was always the same. The perfect combination of confidence and tension, he was always nervous and confident at the same time and that was perfect for him. He liked to test his borders and did so frequently with all of the members, sometimes angering them to the point they started ignoring him, but never for long. He was daring in a lot of ways. But with this, he lost to Yunho. He wasn’t the person to go to another, hug and soothe them, telling them everything would get better again. He was bad at giving comfort, he was also bad at receiving comfort. So this matter was something he didn’t want to have anything to do with. That’s why he sat in the living room, staring down the hall at the door after Jaejoong had fled there. And still staring after Yunho had entered that door and since then stayed with him. 42 minutes and still counting.
Junsu didn’t know why it angered him so much. He had been close himself to standing up, going over and talking to Jaejoong. But he had done nothing. He had been close to standing up and knocking on the bathroom door, talking to Changmin and trying to persuade him to come out again. But he had done nothing.

But as soon as Yunho had entered the scene, asking about Jaejoong and Changmin because he had been outside when they fought, he had done something. He had gone to the bathroom, pleading with Changmin to open the door, let him in, explain the matter to him, let him help. Changmin had refused, screaming at Yunho for interfering. And then silence. Even though Yunho pleaded with his whole heart, begging, knocking still, Changmin hadn’t opened. So Yunho had moved on to Jaejoong. All the time watched by Junsu, his heart burning. Why it burned, Junsu didn’t really know, it just did. With Changmin’s case even more than with Jaejoong’s. Because he knew Yunho was Jaejoong’s and vice versa. Even if he tried, he wouldn’t be able to comfort Jaejoong the way Yunho was able to. But he hadn’t tried.
And now he was left sitting on the couch, staring at his hands and feet, hunched together like a ball, a pillow hugged to his chest. It hurt when they fought. He had hoped that even after the incident with their management they would come home and laugh again, be happy and forget about the hurtful things thrown at them, especially at Jaejoong. It obviously had hurt the other more than Junsu had hoped.

But he couldn’t understand why Changmin was so irritable, seemed so annoyed at everyone. Of course he wanted to know, he wanted to ask, but Changmin was, well, Changmin. He was scary when angry. And Junsu too much of a coward to stand up to him. Not because Changmin was stronger, not physically at least, but his mind was strong. His cruel remarks hurt more than his fists. Junsu’s heart was not fit to survive angry Changmin. If one was able to it was either Yunho or Jaejoong. Yunho more than likely, what could the other not handle? Was there even a situation the almighty leader would falter and stumble, fall even because for once he would not be able to do it alone? Junsu didn’t know the answer to that question. In his mind there was always a solution for everything and if you only proofed to be strong enough, fierce enough, you could master any problem, overcome any hardship and crisis in life.
And because Yunho had that strength, people looked up to him, admired him for his qualities as leader, complimented him every chance they had, clapping their hands and give him an acknowledging slap on the back.
For himself, he wanted to be like that too. He tried his best to become better and better in singing and dancing. He also wanted people to admire him for his strength, for his abilities, for his dance steps or mastering difficult passages in a song, hitting every pitch just right.

In the beginning he hadn’t been known for great dance skills. His looks had been more what made people acknowledge him, his angelic smile and cute attitude. He hated it. Sure, he had been accused of deliberately stealing the cute concept from Changmin, but what other choices did he have? He couldn’t be sexy. He had tried and failed, the others laughing at him for trying to be seductive and sexy, amused by his attempts Yunho had suggested he should try to be cuter, it would fit him better. Yoochun had agreed eagerly. Up until today he was still a little upset about this. He had expected Yoochun to encourage him more, help him practise and train, but no, the other had sided with the other two far too rapidly for his licking. And Changmin had been pissed, of course.
But well, that time was over now. They were now older, more mature, adults, everyone could make their own decisions now and the others respected that. Still Yunho would give advise to everyone, playing the leader nearly 24/7, even in their free time, but years of that lifestyle couldn’t bee undone that easily. But everyone tried. Changmin was still the youngest, but Yunho had stopped fussing over him some time ago, finally acknowledging him as an adult too. And that was their normal routine now.

Everyone had his own hobby, friends outside of their group, interest in music, art, video games, everything other guys their age also did or wanted to do. The difference was that none of them could date freely for several reasons. First was it nearly impossible to meet a normal girl outside who didn’t know who they were and treated them just as normal guys. If his English were better, he would try to talk to some foreign girls, because usually they didn’t know him, but with his English at the level it was now, he would never make it past ‘What’s your name?’. So that only left other celebrities. But nobody he met in his work caught his eye. He wanted someone normal, down to earth, plain and boring even, he wanted the girl next door, sometimes clumsy and messy, who would run out of the house with one shoe in her hand, hair messy and without make up because she was late for work. But most of the girls he met were too polished. Long nails and waxed skin, painted eyebrows and fake lashes. Not only for work, also in their free time these girls tended to be like this, too fashionable, too beautiful, too unnatural for his liking. So he had stopped looking for a girlfriend. After he had broken up with his long time school girlfriend, things hadn’t been the same. He didn’t feel lonely with his friends around, but love and friendship was still different.

Even though he had to admit, he was slowly getting closer to love. Closer than he actually wanted to. After Jaejoong had confessed being gay, Junsu had been harsh and unreceptive, pretty much ignoring the other for weeks, not wanting to be confronted with this topic and what it meant not only for Jaejoong, but also for himself. He had never been attracted to another guy before, but after he heard Jaejoong talk about it, explaining his feelings, he had started thinking about it. Why was it different from loving a girl? On the physical side it was very different, that was true, but the emotional bonds where still the same, Jaejoong had emphasised that. He could love any girl just as much as he could love a guy, but his body wouldn’t react to them.
He had really thought about this, pondering about the difference, why loving a guy was considered so bad and unnatural in society, by religion. But really, there was no answer for Junsu. Why would god let man love other man if it was so bad? If god had control over everything, he would naturally also have control over that. That was Junsu’s logic. Pretty simple and plain, but it worked for him. If for Jaejoong loving another male was so natural, then there should be nothing wrong with it. Junsu apologized and things had gone back to normal level. Still, Junsu had been nervous about the topic some time longer. Jaejoong was the first gay man he had as a friend, the first he even knew, so he was still new to everything and it took time getting used to it.

Now it was normal for him. It was a part of Jaejoong. And maybe of Yunho too. He didn’t really know about the other. He also had had a girlfriend some time back and he had been heartbroken when she broke up with him. For weeks there had been a black aura around their leader and only Jaejoong had been brave enough to approach him. After some more time and several nightly talks with Jaejoong, Yunho had been Yunho again, the friend and leader they all knew. But something had changed. First only friendly touches and approaches changed, loaded with attraction Jaejoong paced around Yunho until the other started to do the same, both circling around the other with prying eyes. So maybe for Yunho it was the same, maybe he was gay. Junsu didn’t know and didn’t really care. They loved each other and were very close friends, everything else was their private matter. But Junsu had to admit he was curious about it.
Kissing shouldn’t feel too different, but what about the rest? He was still shy about this topic, but at least he had found the courage to look things up. And kissing, with his brother he had already tried that. Little pecks on the lips because of lost games or as a bet, they had done all of that when they were younger. Now not anymore, but still, he knew a little about kissing another male.

For him it was hard, he knew he had feelings for his friends, they meant everything to him, they were his world, their apartment was their little universe. DBSK was the sun they all circled around and couldn’t break free, and obviously didn’t want it.
He wasn’t lonely, no, but love was lurking around the corner and he didn’t know what to do about it. After watching the infamous Yunjae couple for years, he started to compare them to himself and Yoochun. This Yoosu couple thing had been very awkward for him at first, they were just friends and brothers, best friends, but still only friends. They didn’t do what the other two did, they didn’t sneak touches and glances, they didn’t caress each other’s arms while passing by. Him and Yoochun touched out of habit, clapping hands and hugging when laughing, they just touched because it was normal for people to touch. But still Junsu wondered.
He had often said, even in interviews and in private too, that he wouldn’t be himself without Yoochun. And he asked himself how true that really was. Was his love as strong as Jaejoong’s love for Yunho? It was not the same, that was clear for him, he didn’t want to see Yoochun naked. Not necessarily at least. But would he still be the same person he was now if he hadn’t met the other?

Junsu was not sure about this, he loved the other dearly and he had to admit, he had been jealous when him and Jaejoong had declared to share a room as they had moved for the first time and since then always shared it. He was jealous, yeah, he wanted Jaejoong to move in with Yunho and share a room with him. But did he also want to share his room with Yoochun? He wasn’t sure about that. He didn’t like other people getting too close to the other, but it was not as if he wanted to take their place. He just felt more comfortable if Yoochun was not too close to anybody, even people he knew. But he was very close to Jaejoong. They were even called the Soulmate couple, how much closer could they get? It was obvious even to the fans how much they meat to each other. But what about him?
And this was probably the reason why he was so confused with his feelings right now. If he was that jealous of Jaejoong being near Yoochun, shouldn’t his feelings for Yoochun be stronger than the ones he had for the other members? He didn’t care with Changmin and Yunho that much, but with Yoochun he always felt a little tug at his heart when he saw him and Jaejoong having fun together, sitting close while talking or holding hands. It was either his feelings or his burning ambition to always be the best, not only in singing and dancing, but also in loving and friendship. Maybe.

He was getting bored sitting in the living room and thinking too much about stuff he didn’t want to think about, at least not now. He had been sitting here nearly an hour, watching and waiting for any noise or indication the others were fighting in Jaejoong’s room or Changmin would finally leave the bathroom, but nothing had happened. And Yoochun also was nowhere in sight. After he had talked to Yunho and explained the situation with Changmin and Jaejoong to him, he had left Junsu alone. First the other had thought he would come back, but Yoochun hadn’t returned yet. Well, it was late already but Jaejoong was taking up their room, maybe he had went into his bedroom to sleep, everybody knew how much sleep Yoochun needed. He had nothing better to do, so he just went searching for him. How would he be able to sleep now anyway? He was anxious, curious and of course worried.
Trying to be quiet he first went into the bedroom he shared with Changmin and Yunho. First Changmin had wanted his own room, but because they needed two rooms where they worked and composed, the three of them had to share, since Jaejoong and Yoochun insisted to get their private little chamber. But Yoochun wasn’t there. The bed’s still untouched. But there was a blanket missing from Junsu’s bed. Usually he slept with two blankets, he got rid of one only if it was too warm. Since his childhood it had always been like that, he was used to it and never saw any need to change it, even though he woke up sweating often in spring and even late in fall, because of his habit. But now one of the blankets was missing.

The rest of his tour through their rooms was the same. No Yoochun anywhere. Where could he have gone? His shoes were still in front of the door, his jacket still hanging on the side beside it. This was getting ridiculous. He only had one chance left, figuring he wouldn’t be in the bathroom or his and Jaejoong’s bedroom.
One of the working rooms had a door at the side of the cupboard leading to the balcony. There hadn’t been any light in the working room when he had opened the door, so he had thought nobody was there. The light from the city outside was enough to guide him through the room, he left the light out, just went forward, opening to balcony door and finally, nearly stumbling over Yoochun, lying on the floor, wrapped in his blanket. Smoking. A rare sight these days. For his singing, his voice and throat, Yoochun had stopped smoking and only on very rare occasions he still needed the little stick. But of course Junsu could understand this time, Yoochun was a sensible person, too many emotions, too much compassion for everyone around him, it was often hard to bear.

Smiling Junsu nudged him with his foot, Yoochun’s eyes already on him, cigarette between his lips.
“Smoking I see… you shouldn’t, you know that.” he said, sitting down right beside the other, looking up to the sky. He couldn’t see any stars or the moon. He wasn’t sure if he even could be able to see the moon today, it could be new moon, how should he know? But it was probably only the city’s fault, all the clouds from smoke and flue gas, so thick the stars couldn’t shine through.
Yoochun said nothing. His gaze shifted from Junsu back to the sky, his fingers grabbing the cigarette, still half of it left and with a swift motion he flicked it over the rail. Junsu smiled. The other turned around, grabbing the blanket and holding it up for the other, telling him with his eyes to come over. Junsu turned his head and watched Yoochun’s movements, quiet and unmoving for some seconds, then he rolled over, lying down beside the other, blanket around their bodies. It was warm. Yoochun’s body was hot and welcoming beside him, warming him while lying so close to each other.

Junsu was silent, so was Yoochun. The other was probably thinking about today, too occupied by his pondering to talk to him. Junsu was done thinking, there wasn’t a solution because he didn’t know the reason yet. If Changmin told him, then he might find the needed solution and turn their home happy again, filled with laughter and nonsense. In this hour he had already missed their laughing voices around him, had missed Jaejoong and Changmin fighting over food in the kitchen, Yunho trying to solve their problem while at the same time stealing the last yogurt from the fridge, had missed Yoochun throwing stuffed animals at him, laughing and mocking him for not being fast enough to dodge them. He had really missed it, even though it had only been an hour. Fighting always got to him, fighting always made him weak. He hated being weak.
And if there was something he hated, he turned selfish, childish, he wanted attention, someone to take away whatever it was he didn’t like. And Yoochun was this person for him. He was always there when Junsu called for him, always fulfilling his wishes. Junsu wanted, no needed him to do this now too.

“Can’t you come inside again and play with me?” he asked, turning his head and looking at the other, who had his head still turned towards the sky, looking up, deep in thought, silent. There was no reaction to Junsu’s words, he wasn’t even sure he had heard him. So he tried again, grabbing Yoochun’s hand under the blanket.
“Come inside, let’s play something and wait for the squabblers to calm down.” Still no reaction. Junsu sighed, turning around and looking up at the sky again, still too black and starless for his liking. He could understand Yoochun, understand his desire to think about everything, but hadn’t there been enough time already? He didn’t like being ignored, especially by Yoochun. And not at a time like this. He had come to him to talk and usually Yoochun didn’t turn him down, he couldn’t, he was always concerned about Junsu’s feelings and every time he said something bad to him, even only as a joke, he had to make sure Junsu wasn’t angry or hurt by his words by touching him, caressing him and waiting for a reassuring smile. That was Yoochun. But not now.
“Why are you outside and left me alone with the three ice cubes?” he asked, squeezing his hand to get his attention. This time Yoochun turned his head, looking at him. It took some seconds, then Junsu felt the eyes on him, turning his head also to the side. He was greeted by a pair of dark, concerned, troubled eyes, staring at him, into him. But they didn’t seem troubled because of the fight going on inside.

Nervous under this stare Junsu laughed, trying to shake the uneasiness off. “What?”
“It was better to let them be. The three will figure something out.” he said, confident in his judgement, sure that all the three needed was time and the opportunity to talk with each other.
“You could have said something at least, but you just left me there.” Junsu pouted a bit, acting too cute for his own liking when the other was involved. He shouldn’t pout, he shouldn’t whine about the matter anymore, he wasn’t a child anymore. He wanted to be equal to the others, but still he felt younger and more immature. Yunho was so different from him and Junsu envied that.
“I guess you tried to eavesdrop then?” Yoochun asked smiling, laughing softly.
“No! Why would I? I was just trying to figure out a way to help them.” He tried to defend himself. He wasn’t like Yoochun, who was too curious for his own good and often got himself in trouble for trying to sneak up on people to steal their secrets. He really had wanted to help, but Yunho had stepped in and there hadn’t been any reason for him to intervene anymore. “I wanted to talk to Jaejoong or Changmin, but then Yunho did and he’s still with Jaejoong, so there was nothing for me to do anymore…” he said faintly. He wasn’t lying, not really, but he felt guilty, as if he was hiding something from Yoochun. But was he really?

The other seemed to sense something, because he turned a little to his side, looking at Junsu silently for some seconds and then embracing him. He lifted the other’s upper body and patted his back, pulling him over against his chest. Junsu didn’t protest. Yoochun usually knew what was best for him. And the times Junsu didn’t want to be touched, Yoochun could sense it and left him alone. For Junsu contact was nothing he really needed, not that much at least, but with Yoochun he gave in far too easily. And the other knew that. So he just relaxed, his head against Yoochun’s shoulder, one arm draped over his chest, warm and comfortable despite the nightly cold outside. He could feel Yoochun’s cheek against his hair, his breath tickling him a little.
“Always Yunho, hm? I thought you would’ve gotten past your jealousy by now.” Yoochun murmured against his hair, the arm around his back tightening it’s hold. The fingers played with the shirt on his side, caressing him softly.
Junsu sighed, a little uncomfortable in the embrace, feeling slightly embarrassed and caught. He really couldn’t fool Yoochun. The other knew him better than anybody else, better than his friends or family, better than his girlfriend had known him. On hone hand he was glad he had the other, he knew when Junsu was feeling down and would cheer him up without Junsu saying anything, he was always with him, helping him. On the other hand it was disturbing to have someone read your thoughts with as much as a look into your eyes.
“You know me.” he just offered, neither denying nor confirming anything.

“I do. You should stop. It’s not good for you, this little combat you fight with him. And he doesn’t even know he’s your opponent.” Yoochun said against his hair, blowing a light kiss against some stubborn strands of hair that tickled his cheek.
Junsu wasn’t happy with this advise. He knew Yoochun only wanted to help him, but the other couldn’t understand, could he? He was talented, he could write songs and lyrics, he could sing and dance, he could memorise their choreography at astonishing speed and not forget it anymore. He wouldn’t bump into other people on stage, forget his lyrics while singing. He wouldn’t need his whole power to get through a show, sweating and burning all over his body, fighting for control until it was over. That was all Junsu and because none of these things applied to Yoochun he couldn’t understand how he felt.
“You can say that, you don’t have to fight that hard! People think I’m stupid and clumsy. I’m the little dolphin following everybody’s orders!” he hissed, tensing up, his fingers grabbing Yoochun’s shirt, shaking slightly. He never complaint much, he never held a grudge against someone for long, but these words and jokes struck him hard, they never left his soul and he tried his best to overcome his flaws. He knew Yunho wasn’t perfect, he also had flaws, he also worked hard, but everybody only saw his hard working, always making compliments and congratulating him. With Junsu everybody gladly pointed out his mistakes and flaws. He was sick of it, even though he never spoke back to anyone, not even the members.

“That is not true, Junsu. And you know it. People don’t think that of you, they think you are a nice person with a warm heart, great compassion for your friends and the desire to make everybody around you happy. You are the dolphin that makes our days brighter and more enjoyable.” Yoochun answered him, again tightening the hold around the other. He took Junsu’s hand on his chest in his own, entwining their fingers. “People love your smile and laugh because it brightens their day. They see how hard you are working and they love you even more, because you never lose your smile, despite the harsh schedule, the nights with only 2 hours of sleep, the constant practise of our dance steps. You still smile and shine.” Yoochun said smiling, the warmth and sincerity of his words touching Junsu deep inside.
He blushed at Yoochun’s tone, smiling a little, laughing his embarrassment off.
“You really are a player.” he joked. “Making me all mushy inside with your words. Playboy!” he joked, but it was true. When the other told him these things in his deep voice, Junsu couldn’t help feeling shy, embarrassed, but happy at the same time. And times like this made him wonder what he had with the other. He also got compliments from Yunho and Jaejoong, sometimes even from Changmin, but he never felt so touched by them. He was always happy, of course, but only with Yoochun his heart and soul smiled with his face.

“As long as I’m only your playboy, ne, Junsu-chan~” Yoochun said laughing, his fingers caressing the back of Junsu’s hand while holding it. His heartbeat was steady and calming against Junsu’s ears. The heat coming from his body was more warming and secure than what the blanket around them could offer. He sighed again, turning his head, lifting it a little to look at Yoochun.
“What do you think the other two are doing in their room? Do you think Yunho could talk with Jaejoong and comfort him?” Why was he even asking? Of course Yunho would be able to help the other, they would talk and solve the problem, they would maybe do a little touching and cuddling and everything would be great for them again. That’s how their love worked, that’s how close they were. “Their love is great, hm?” he said envious, a bit upset about the fact that these two were that close and were loved by the fans for their strong bond. Yunjae was the most beloved couple anyway. It was always these two stealing the spotlight. He closed his eyes, laying down on Yoochun’s chest again, listening to his heart, strong and steady, a sound that comforted him and made him feel not alone. He still had Yoochun, right? “Jaejoong and your love is great too…” he murmured faintly. If Yunho hadn’t gone to Jaejoong, Yoochun would have. Leaving him alone in the living room. By himself.

For a second the heart sped up a little, Junsu could clearly feel it, it was beating in Yoochun’s chest stronger, more powerful.
“You’re an idiot.” he just said, grasping his hand tighter. “Is it still about that old issue? Why are you still so jealous?” he asked. Yes, they had talked about it before. Junsu had voiced his discomfort at them sharing a room together, not only for him, but also for Yunho. Back then Yunho had said he would appreciate it if Yoochun looked after Jaejoong, because it would be hard to bear sharing a room with Jaejoong because he was loud while sleeping, snoring and trashing too much, if he himself would have to share a room with him he wouldn’t find any sleep, the leader had joked and everyone had laughed. Why was Yunho so comfortable with them sharing a room but he was burning with jealousy?
“It’s not that…” he said, turning away a little, trying to free himself from Yoochun’s embrace. This was turning ridiculous. He didn’t want to have that kind of conversation with the other now.
But Yoochun didn’t let him go. “Of course it is. Spill it already.” Yoochun demanded. Not forcing, not loud, not threatening, but also not pleading, begging. Just a normal request, his voice low and going right through Junsu. Oh well, there was nothing he could do right now, Yoochun was stubborn sometimes, especially when it had something to do with him. He didn’t get angry or loud but he turned very determined and unexpected things happened. And yeah, it was the old issue again, but he couldn’t tell that Yoochun. They had talked about it some times before, and always Yoochun had assured him that there was no need for jealousy between them, that everyone was good and bad at things and that their friendship was the same for everyone. But at least the last part wasn’t true for Junsu.

He saw Yunho and Jaejoong, how they acted around each other, touching all the time, gazing at the other when nobody seemed to be looking. They were sneaky and tried to hide it, but it was too obvious, for everyone. And it was the same with Yoochun and Jaejoong. They weren’t as touchy as him and Yunho, but they had a level to their friendship that seemed above the others. Even above his friendship with Yoochun sometimes. He sighed and weighted his options, trying to find a way to get out of this mess without revealing too much of the things on his mind right now, but Yoochun was very strong and determined, his hold was still the same, not harsh but strong, holding him in place. What else to do? Maybe he could spill some things to the other and get the reassurance he needed so badly right now.
He knew Jaejoong had confessed to Yunho, he had heard them talking about it once, Jaejoong had confronted Yunho and demanded an answer, demanded that he finally made a decision to either accept or reject him. And he knew Yunho hadn’t answered, just asked for more time. And since then things had been a little bit awkward between the two oldest, Junsu had felt it, seen it and asked himself what would happen between them. They had been close still, but not as touchy and free around each other. And his fear then had been a shock to himself. The first time he had thought about it, he had laughed it off as ridiculous and funny. The second time he had started to get anxious, wondering why he would ask himself such a question. The times after that he got really serious about it. He was embarrassed, but he found it okay to be scared to a certain degree. The first time he had dreamed about it, he knew instantly that this wasn’t right. And since then he hadn’t acted on anything and just stayed silent.

Maybe this time he should ask for once, free and open, if he hid it from Yoochun, things couldn’t get better. Well, they weren’t bad right now, but they could get worse.
“Do you…” he started a little unsure, nervous, voice cracking slightly “think the Yunjae couple is more real than the Yoosu couple?” he said, trying to hide his face, pushing against Yoochun’s shoulder and neck. It was so embarrassing and childish to ask this question and expect Yoochun to answer to his liking. He knew him, knew how much Junsu valued their friendship, he had told him more than once, even in front of the camera he never failed to praise Yoochun and express his feelings for the other. But Yoochun didn’t really say anything back most of the time. He smiled and thanked him. And that was it. Still Junsu wanted him to say it, wanted to hear it. That he was the most precious, the most important person in his life. Of course it was childish and immature, but he had so much hope inside of him, so much fear that Yoochun would say something that might shatter his soul, he couldn’t help being afraid, couldn’t help shaking in his arms.
Yoochun tightened his hold around him, pressing their bodies closer. He was harsh with it, pushing more and more until Junsu could feel his spine and chest starting to hurt from the pressure. But he held unto him with the same strength and despair.
“I thought you would’ve figured it out by now.” Yoochun said. The hand around Junsu’s back travelled up his spine, to his neck and hair, caressing him, stroking him.

Junsu didn’t know how to react to this. Figure what out? That Yoochun didn’t need him anymore? At least not as much as Junsu wanted to be needed? That there was more going on with Jaejoong? That both of them had been playing a trick on him for the past months, even years? What was it? He didn’t know and fear arose in him, his heart clenched together tightly. If he was honest, he didn’t want to know. But at least he had their embrace now, he would always remember the smell and heat, the feeling of their hearts beating together, their breath mingling in the cold air around them, skin touching skin, hands entwined and caressing what they could reach.
“Jaejoong and Yunho are meant for each other. They are not only best friends, they lust after each other, Yunho just isn’t ready yet to take it one step further.” Yoochun said softly, his head turning so his breath hit Junsu’s forehead. It was hot and damp, his lips moving against skin when he talked. “They are soul mates, because they are the perfect combination of opposites. That’s why they work so well together. They touch because they want to feel the other’s skin.”
Junsu nodded. He knew this, in a way he did. He could see them every day. And even though they fought a lot, screamed, sometimes Jaejoong would even throw things, they always made up afterwards, they were never mad with each other. Of course they were perfect for each other. And once again jealousy burned hot in his heart.
“Me and Jaejoong, we are soul mates for different reasons. Our souls called out to each other, finding someone who knew the same pain and love, who could see the same beauty and foulness in the world, able to find hidden secrets everywhere. Jaejoong does that for me and I do it for him. We touch because we want to say ‘thanks for being here with me’.” Yoochun told him, words muffled against his forehead, at the same time sending electric jolts through his body.

Where did that leave him? Their relationship wasn’t like Jaejoong and Yunho’s. Their relationship wasn’t like Jaejoong and Yoochun’s. so, what was he to the other?
“Our relationship is not the same…” he muttered quite miserable, unable to hide his fear and sadness from the other. Honestly, he didn’t even want to hide it, he wanted the other to know.
And Yoochun knew. He embraced the other even tighter, holding unto him, kissing his forehead, caressing his skin with his lips.
“No, it’s not. We aren’t soul mates.” he said, reaching out and lifting Junsu’s head with one hand. His eyes were shining from the tears he held back, but still Yoochun was smiling, looking at him with love and affection. Seconds passed between them, silent, waiting, anticipating the other’s reaction. Junsu waited. They weren’t soul mates. No, they were great friends and buddies, but his jealousy would forever stay his alone, he would need to learn to live with it, to let Yoochun go wherever his heart took him. What he didn’t expect was that Yoochun was thinking slightly different about the matter. Slowly he closed the distance between them, kissing the other with a light touch, their lips barely touching. It was so light, so sweet and innocent, so totally not Yoochun, so unreal that Junsu thought himself imagining it. But the velvet skin still burned his lips, making him tremble, eyes wide with uncertainty and shame of their act, even though it was just a kiss. And just for a split second Yoochun’s tongue darted forwards, touching his lips, giving him a taste of himself before he drew away again. The taste was honey and milk, fresh and sparkling like spring rain, sweet and scented like fields and rivers, in full bloom. Junsu blushed, the intensity of emotions in his body made him tremble, with shaking fingers he pressed himself against Yoochun.

“I thought you could feel it too, but you are still too innocent, still a child at heart, you are not ready yet.” Yoochun said, his voice calming and lovely, it bathed Junsu in light and warmth, coming over and protecting him like the blanket around their bodies. “Do you know why we touch? Because we have to remember where one begins and the other ends. We aren’t soul mates, Junsu, we aren’t two souls that are similar.” Yoochun said once again, smiling, laying his fingers on Junsu’s cheek, his fingertips cold against his blushed skin.
Junsu wasn’t able to say anything, he couldn’t understand what was wrong with the other. Why was he saying that? And what was the meaning behind it? And the kiss? It had felt so different from kissing Jaejoong. Yes, he had done that. He had also kissed Yunho once. But both times had been because of a lost game and a bet. This had felt so different, so familiar and soothing.
“Then… what are we?” Junsu asked with fear, his voice soft and frail.
Yoochun smiled only, caressing his skin, his thumb brushing against his lips. “You are the other half of my incomplete soul. Without you there would be no me. Without me, there would be no you. Only if we are together, we really exist.” He took Junsu’s hand in his, entwining their fingers. “I feel it every time I look at you, every time I hear your voice. When touching you I feel myself in these touches. When you call me, you call directly to my heart and my soul screams for you and I hear your soul answering the call. I’ll gladly offer my body and heart to you. But… you are not ready yet.” He said, shaking his head. There was sadness in his voice, but he showed no anger. There was so much acceptance, understanding, comprehension in his eyes, Junsu couldn’t breath anymore, his heart clenched tightly together he thought of all the times he should have noticed something wrong with the other.

He wanted to explain, apologise, tell him how sorry he was and that he couldn’t understand. He was still a child, he felt so ashamed for his innocence and the lack of understanding. Never would he match the others, he would always stay the youngest among them. Not by age, but by maturity of his heart. But before he even could open his mouth, fingers pressed against his lips, preventing any sound. What was this all about? He couldn’t even understand his own feelings, how could he understand what Yoochun was trying to tell him? Was this love? Was he in love with Yoochun? He surely hated the attention Yoochun gave others, he got angry and sad, but wasn’t that still the spoiled child talking in him? The little brat that wanted every toy for himself and not share it with his twin, wasn’t this the same? Wasn’t Yoochun the toy he was afraid of losing to Jaejoong? The confusion was clear on his face.
Yoochun’s eyes locked with his, firm but loving before he spoke.
“You are not ready yet. Don’t say you are sorry, you don’t need to be. Since I met you, I knew I could only ever love you this much, this deep. But I also knew you weren’t ready for it yet. I waited until now for you to approach me, always holding back because I knew I would only frighten you and drive you away, but still hoping you would someday come to me. I can still wait some more years if I have to.” he said, his smile gentle and caring. “When you are ready… you will feel it.” was the last thing he said before he left their embrace, standing up, entering the house and leaving Junsu alone.

In a matter of seconds his body was cold, he couldn’t even bring himself to turn around and watch the other leave. He only stared forward, into the city, the lights and signs of a city to big to see wholly, a city to wide and vast to understand. And Junsu felt lost in it. There was nobody beside him anymore. The blanket wasn’t warm or comforting, only the body beside him had been. There was no affection there anymore, his emotions were suddenly lost, with leaving Yoochun left only emptiness inside of him.
Was this really it? Was this Yoochun’s heart, the way he felt? It didn’t feel real, it didn’t feel unreal. It just was there around him, in his thoughts and his heart it remained. As the taste of their kiss remained on his lips. Even only this kiss had overwhelmed him, he hadn’t expected it, it had felt familiar but frightening. And deep down, he began to understand. If he couldn’t open himself for Yoochun, the other would stay waiting, not coming too near, not staying too far, always reaching for him, offering his hand and embrace, but never taking the first step. He didn’t know if the feelings he had were the same Yoochun had. He didn’t know if he could reach out to Yoochun the same way. He didn’t know if he was ready for everything Yoochun’s embrace offered, promised. He had the chance to explore it. And maybe that was all the courage he really needed. To reach out and have a taste of the unknown offered to him.

Next

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 23:34:32 GMT

Title: Into Deep
Chapter: 1
Wordcount: NA
Author: akita_ino
Pairings: Yunjae, Yoosu, Yoomin (if you squint really hard)
Rating: PG13

Summary: An insight into their daily life. What problems do they have to face? How can they help each other grow up and mature? How can Yoochun approach Junsu, the one he holds above everyone else in his heart? How can Yunho convince Jaejoong that he is a loveable, great person? How can Changmin grow up among the other four, how can he overcome their difference in age and become their equal and not be just the cute smaller brother any longer?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.

They had finally been able to come home again. The last days had been tiring and everyone was happy to follow their normal daily routine once more. Just Jaejoong felt lost in his normal environment, the feeling of security just wasn’t there anymore when he entered his bedroom. Everywhere were eyes following him, watching his every step, every turn of his body, they even followed his gaze, whatever he looked at, they watched it too. For hours now he hadn’t been able to shake this feeling off. It was driving him crazy and unsettling everyone around him. He thought his room would still offer protection and comfort, his bed, always his sanctuary was cold and felt foreign when he lay down on it.
He stared up to the ceiling, still in his coat and shoes. But the normal feeling of safety, security, it never came, passed him by and seemed to ignore him deliberately. Even his room was against him now, there was no place to hide, the eyes would find him everywhere.
He put his arms around himself, hugged his own body and closed his eyes. Darkness was welcomed, always friendly and enabled him to blend in completely with his surroundings. He would rather be a chair, book, shelve, than a human. What had he done to deserve this? Why now? After all the years he had worked so hard to come to this place, to stay where he was now? After all the things he had sacrificed?

The kitchen had been the same. He had wanted to cook for everyone, it was late already and it would take his mind off his problem. But the kitchen proofed to be the beginning of his downfall.
Always calm Changmin had snapped at him in the kitchen, telling him to stop pacing around like a lost lamb searching for his shepherd.
Yoochun and Junsu, talking and joking around in the living room had been in their own world, but when Changmin raised his voice, they had come into the kitchen, curious what had caused the outburst of the youngest. Instantly Changmin fled to the bathroom, locking himself in. He was still a child. A child Jaejoong should look after He was his responsibility, he should be the strong shoulder for the younger, help him with his problems and not cause them.

But he was the cause. How could he protect Changmin from himself? That was just not possible. He couldn’t just disappear. And he couldn’t leave the kitchen. Junsu and Yoochun had still watched him from the door, confused and startled by the scene they had witnessed. Alternately they had looked at each other, then shifting their gaze questioningly to Jaejoong, asking him silently what had happened between them. Junsu couldn’t understand the situation, he was too oblivious to the current circumstances, his heart too pure and friendly to see bad blood anywhere or problems arising. For him there was always a solution. Yoochun was more rational. Not every problem had a solution. And he had grasped that instantly when he looked at Jaejoong standing lost in the kitchen.
His eyes had burned, but he wouldn’t allow himself to cry. Not in front of his friends, the two he had vowed to protect from his darker side. And Yoochun had just stood there, looking at him, his eyes full of understanding, his affection for his friend painfully obvious in the way he watched him, understanding and apologizing.
Jaejoong couldn’t take it. He didn’t deserve understanding or forgiveness. His mask cracking, he had rushed past them into his room. Not his room, the room he was sleeping in, sharing it with Yoochun, there was nothing really his. But it was all he had, all he had known for years now. Shared privacy, shared live, shared sympathy, he couldn’t be himself with the others, he wouldn’t dare to be himself.

Everything that made him Jaejoong was tucked safely under his bed, locked up in a case. His whole life in a box not bigger than a milk carton. That was who he was, the person he had locked in this box so he himself wouldn’t be able to free him. And now he was lying on his bed, hugging himself, crying in the dark, apologizing silently to Changmin, to Yoochun and Junsu, to his family and friends. And to Yunho.
The darkness around him couldn’t soothe him, but it engulfed him like a blanket, shielding him from the world, from the prying eyes around him. Every day it became harder to be Hero. The image he had chosen for himself, the image judged fitting for his looks and personality, his being reduced to a word, a position, a purpose, an assignment. One he wasn’t able to fulfil. He had betrayed his responsibility towards Changmin, to the others as well. Even though he had been so cautious all the time, placing his needs and wishes as far behind as he could. All for nothing.
Tightly he pressed his eyes together, preventing the tears from falling down his cheeks. He shouldn’t cry. He had no reason to. It took him some time to control his sorrow again, but when he opened his eyes again, he had stopped crying. His eyes hurt, he could see nothing in the darkness of the room, but it calmed him a little.

He wanted to get up, leave the bed, this room, find Changmin and apologize to him. There were so many things he had to tell the other. Not to make him understand, but to beg for forgiveness. He should have known that he couldn’t be himself, not even behind closed doors, that problems would arise. The words from the afternoon were still fresh in his ears, the reproach, the accusing words still held his heart in an agonizingly painful grip. But every word had been right.
Jaejoong didn’t really care about the fans. He was happy they liked him and the music they made, he was grateful for the sales and the concerts they could do because of their fans, but first of all he cared about his friends, the people he had met as band members and had grown closer to than he had ever been with his family. His responsibility lay with them, not some teenage girls screaming his name as soon as he started breathing. Jaejoong wasn’t meant to be admired like that. Hero was.

Some days it was easy to let Hero be the one on stage, the one all the girls admired and loved. But as time passed, it got harder and harder to show them what they wanted. They couldn’t admire Jaejoong, they shouldn’t, he would prevent them from doing so. Today his friends had seen why he couldn’t allow it. And if he wasn’t careful, their fans would know too.
His own sob startled him. He had been so focused on the darkness around and inside of him, that he had missed the fresh tears falling from his eyes, the heart-melting sobs and trembling of his body.
Fear arose from inside of him, the panic to lose what was important to him. What would he do without the band? Who would he be without Hero? He wasn’t prepared to be Jaejoong again, he couldn’t be on his own for long even now when somebody was always around. He needed them. His friends, their circle, the protection and safety of his new found family.

He needed Changmin, who would never fail to amaze him with his intelligence, his willpower to become better and stronger with every day, his desire to learn everything he could learn.
He needed Junsu, who was able to make him laugh despite the circumstances, who could bright a room with his presence, his innocence and unwavering belief in human kindness and love shining from his eyes and smile.
He needed Yoochun, who could show him a world outside of their apartment and concerts, who was able to show him beauty in nature and art, touching his heart with his composed songs and written lyrics, always being there without ever demanding anything.
He needed Yunho, the anchor of his sanity and joy of living, who brightened his day with no more than a smile, showed him how important he was to another, always there for him, shouldering the entire burden, listening to his sorrows and complaints, even enduring his childish fits of temper with a smile and comforting words.

He just wasn’t sure anymore if they needed him as much as he needed them.
All he could do was lay in the darkness and pray Yoochun might forgive him for taking up their room, because he surely wouldn’t want to come in after their encounter in the kitchen. He knew and respected that Jaejoong sometimes needed to be alone and even though it was late already, he would probably stay in the living room as long as he needed to, falling asleep on the couch, if Junsu didn’t drag him around. Jaejoong felt bad for his selfishness, but he wouldn’t bear being around them now.
He closed his eyes again, trying to calm his beating heart, his breathing and will his body to stop trembling. He needed to find his composure again, so he could leave the room, apologize to Yoochun, Junsu and Changmin, before everything grew bigger and Yunho would confront him about it. He only wanted to be perfect for their leader, he had to apologize before the other had the chance to come to him first.

Suddenly a pair of arms came around him, a body pressed against his back. Out of reflex he kicked and struggled, hitting the other with his elbow pretty bad, right into his stomach.
“No need to be violent…” the voice behind him chuckled, even though the pain of the punch was still audible in his words.
He hadn’t heard anyone come in, no door, no footsteps on the floor. Had he been that absorbed in his thoughts that he even wouldn’t have felt an earthquake? But what would he have done if he had heard him enter? Confrontation was the last thing on his mind right now, his soul screamed for the comfort of seclusion, he wasn’t even granted 5 minutes by himself. His body language showed clearly that he didn’t want to talk about anything. But the other didn’t seem to care.
One arm was draped over Jaejoong, who was lying on his side, taking his hand, entwining their fingers. “I heard from Yoochun.” he said quietly, his breath hitting Jaejoong’s neck, making him shiver all over. His breath hitched, he grasped Yunho’s hand tighter, his eyes pressed tightly together. He felt even colder than before, the warmth of Yunho’s body present behind him in painful contrast to his own cold. Yunho was everything Jaejoong wished he could be. And Jaejoong was everything Yunho was probably happy not to be.

Since the very beginning they had been remarkably close to each other, everybody had mentioned their tight bond and showed envy of their special friendship. Even after the painful incident that had changed their friendship drastically, Yunho stayed at his side. The difference pained Jaejoong, but still once in a while the other would seek his company and stay close to him. The touching, he had to admit, had decreased drastically though.
This simple contact made his heart flutter, he had butterflies in his stomach and limbs, judging how weak his whole body felt and how the tingling feeling from Yunho’s hand spread through his arm, higher and higher through his whole body. How he had missed being close to the other, touching him, listening to his breathing and heart. Jaejoong didn’t dare to move. Closer, much more closer he wanted to be, plastered against the others body, their forms melting perfectly together, like they were meant to be like this, but he feared Yunho’s reaction.
“Tell me what happened with Changmin.” Yunho begged. “He still refuses to leave the bathroom.”

What could he say to him? The other already knew what had happened, he should be able to make his own conclusion why Changmin was so irritated. Did he really want him to spell it? Sighing Jaejoong clutched Yunho’s hand tight against his chest, trying to find in this simple gesture the strength to talk. His voice wavered, his mind went numb with the memory.
“Because of today.” He said nearly inaudible. “Because of the management, you heard them too.” And how he wished he hadn’t.
It didn’t matter what their management thought of him, they didn’t own him, but he didn’t have the luxury to only care about himself. The others were part of it, Yunho was part of it. “How can they keep me? How can they let me stay?” he asked, stubbornly forcing back the tears again.
Yunho wouldn’t be able to understand. “You heard them, I corrupt all of you! And it’s true, I do!” he cried out, unable to direct his anger and despair somewhere, nothing was there to direct it to, there was only Yunho. Always reliable Yunho. “It would be my fault, if-“ he couldn’t finish his sentence, Yunho pulled him over, forcing him on his back and covered his mouth with his hand. His face was only inches away from Jaejoong’s, their eyes locked firmly.

In these seconds Yunho spoke with his eyes. He held their gaze for a long time and Jaejoong didn’t dare to look away, he held his breath in anticipation, waiting for a move from the leader, a sign, a word, anything he could hold on to. God, the desire to kiss him was still overwhelmingly strong, it would be so easy to just grab his head and pull him down, press their lips together and taste the one kiss that would make all the ones before absolutely insignificant. His eyes must have shown his battle, revealing his desire, because he could feel Yunho pulling away, laying down beside him again, their shoulders barely touching. Both remained silent. Jaejoong wanted to reach over, take his hand again, just a little bit of contact would make him feel better instantly, but he didn’t want to risk it. Yunho seemed to be deep in thought, it would be wrong to disturb him.
So he remained at his side, still, unmoving, only their intake of breath audible in the darkness.
“It’s not your fault.” Yunho finally said after some time, which felt like hours to Jaejoong. “It wasn’t their business, it isn’t their life.” He struggled with his words, pondering his words carefully.

Of course Jaejoong knew this. If it was only him, he wouldn’t care as much. But their reproaches were far too painful to ignore, they hurt his soul, just thinking about their threats made him miserable again. “You know nothing.” he forced out through clenched teeth. “You know nothing of me and my life.” It was unfair to accuse the other of this, but Jaejoong wanted to feel better too. Didn’t he also deserve some happiness? What should everyone care what he did behind closed doors?
But their management knew the problem, they wouldn’t allow them to jeopardize their fame, their reputation, especially not their income. They were ruthless, they would tear him away from the others, from Yunho.
Meanwhile said Yunho had pondered his own thoughts. Maybe he didn’t know the full extend of Jaejoong’s problems, fears and hopes, but he wanted him to share them. In order to help him, he had to understand him better.
“Jae…” he started quietly, turning his head to his side, searching the other’s form in the darkness. “I might not understand your situation right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m unable to. Share it with me.” he begged, taking Jaejoong’s hand with his again, squeezing gently.

This request was hard to fulfil. How could he explain something like this? Something that came so naturally to him but was considered more than inappropriate and unnatural to many? Yunho was raised differently, he had reacted different to the news, back then when he had been forced to confess to the other members. Things had been awkward for a long time. And then his confession to Yunho had come. From then on nothing was like it used to be. They had grown apart, little by little their bond of friendship had grown weaker and weaker, it was ripped and torn and would break completely soon. Today had only added to the process, sped it up.
Regardless of their situation, his fears, he wanted to explain. He wanted to be himself for once, bury Hero deep inside of him and be Jaejoong for Yunho. Clumsy, unexciting, naïve, plain Jaejoong.
“How can I start this? When even you shy away from me, when I touch you a second too long, linger at your side longer and closer than I should, gaze at you repeatedly throughout any interview, staring at your lips and hands when they move?” he asked defeated. “You do not know this feeling. I wish you did, even though it’s horrible, selfish and disgusting to wish that upon a friend, upon you, but I do… I really do.” he confessed, grateful that the darkness hid his mournful expression and covered up the tears filling his eyes.

He was truly horrible. There was nothing wrong to wish for someone you can share your pain with, but to desire someone else to feel the same pain and despair, that was wrong. He wanted someone to share his life with, someone Yunho couldn’t be. It was the curse of his life, growing up among sisters, searching for his real mom to find his place in this world. Nobody of his family and friends could understand how he felt.
“It’s okay to wish that.” Yunho told him, squeezing his hand tightly.
And then the unexpected happened. Both turned their heads, trying to look at each other, but they were greeted with darkness, there was just a faint sensation of warmth from the body lying beside them. At the same time they overcame their insecurity and slid closer to each other, with outstretched arms welcoming the other in their embrace. They settled against each other, Jaejoong’s head against Yunho’s shoulder and his head nestled against Jaejoong’s hair. Their bodies fit so perfectly against each other, they were touching from their shoulders, hips, knees down to their feet, becoming one body, two souls.
At that moment Jaejoong felt free, peaceful, his love forgotten, their quarrels forgotten, everything that had happened today with their management forgotten, this was the absolutely perfect moment to let himself go, free himself from every burden.

Whatever happened in this room now, it would forever stay here, Jaejoong felt that he could trust Yunho and be free for once, talk freely and openly, while he would listen, not judge him or hold anything against him. For several moments their hearts were beating in union. Jaejoong could feel the connection to Yunho deepen again. This might be the only opportunity he would ever get to make things right between them again. The fear of being forced to leave the group was too strong, maybe Yunho would find the right words to comfort him.
“Just because they know I like… other guys that way… they can’t…” he started, but every word weighted a ton on his tongue, he forced them out, his voice strained from the force of it.
But maybe even without words, Yunho understood him, could feel his pain as if it were his own, his heart throbbing equally painful in his chest. Jaejoong had always been bad at hiding pain and distress, it clearly showed on his face, in the way he moved, looking around nervous, licking his lips when he couldn’t find the right words. And hiding his laugh. It had always bothered Yunho when Jaejoong tried to control himself like that in public. His laugh was beautiful, nothing to be ashamed of, but whatever the reason Jaejoong chose not to share it with the world. At home he laughed, more freely and comfortable. But that also had changed slowly over the years.

“I knew they said something to you… why didn’t you tell us?” Yunho asked quietly, placing his hand at the back of Jaejoong’s head, caressing him gently, playing with his soft hair. “Don’t blame yourself.” he told him, his voice caring and smooth, so close to his ears, touching his soul deep inside of him. Still he was upset, sad and scared, but at the same time he felt peace and warmth, the deep connection to the other that linked their bodies and souls, giving him strength and peace at this moment, showing him again that he was loved and cherished. Not by some strangers outside, fangirls and boys screaming his name in chorus, but by his friend, the one he had opened up to the most, the one who had seen more of Jaejoong than anyone else since the beginning of his way to fame. He had entrusted Yunho with his soul, the singer still held his heart in his hands, but even though he would have reasons to do it, he had never abused his power over him. Not once. And for that Jaejoong would always owe him his life, completely, unconditionally.
“You can only be yourself. Don’t let them make you feel ashamed of yourself.” Yunho’s words touched him deeply. He felt calm and nervous at once, he didn’t know which way to turn, should he laugh or cry? Should he be relieved or scared? There was no guideline telling him what to do, how to behave. But he needed someone to guide him, teach him how to be himself again, after denying himself for so long, out of fear and shame towards his fellow band members and their management.

“I forgot how to be proud of who I am...” he confessed with a small, faint whisper. No matter how good he tried to be, the public opinion of him was always good and bad at the same time. He was either too caring or too cold, friendly or secretive, never was he perfect at something, people always found reasons to criticise him.
He knew he wasn’t the only one experiencing this, Yunho was as much a target as he was, but he wasn’t strong enough to take it well and move on, he would ponder on such comments for days, feeling worse every minute. He couldn’t be proud of Jaejoong. Sometimes he was proud of Hero, but it also had gotten harder. Was he ready to place his trust into someone else yet? But what other choices did he have? It was either Yunho or nobody, only the other might show him again that he should be proud to be Jaejoong, that whatever someone else told him could never be as important as his opinion of himself.
“Can you teach me again?” he asked hopefully.
As reliable as always, as the caring leader he was deep from his heart, Yunho smiled faintly, taking his hands in his own, nodded only once.

He wished he could see the other, look at him and thank him for being there, helping and caring, holding him in times like this. Thank him for his words and actions, every hug was more than just a gesture, Yunho gave himself into every touch, pouring his feelings into it because only words would never be enough, especially not for Jaejoong. And just for the time now, this short time together in the darkness, Jaejoong felt grateful.
Yunho broke their embrace, pushing himself up on his arms, hovering over him, faces only centimetres away from each other, looking down, never breaking their eye contact, he didn’t even blink once. And Jaejoong grew more and more uneasy, cold shivers ran down his spine, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away, Yunho’s gaze held him captive. They were so black in the darkness, their shape blurring in with his face, but the intensity was still there, Jaejoong could feel it clearly around him, the air grew thicker, their scent stronger, it was suddenly warm around him, hot where their bodies touched. This was a moment Jaejoong had always anticipated, he had waited for it months and months after his confession to Yunho, his desire to get closer to the other, hold him, caress him, love him. Their bond, grown weaker after his confession, was stronger now, he could feel a tug at his soul, drawing him closer to the other.

Startled he gasped, shying away from the sudden touch of the hand on his chest, but the other didn’t let him flee, he tugged at his clothes, grapping the jacket he was still wearing, pushing it down his shoulders and not letting go until Jaejoong surrendered to his strength and determination to get it off of him. He blushed furiously at this action, so suddenly and unexpected, the abrupt approach was too much to handle, too much to understand. What was the other doing? And why was he doing it now?
And Yunho demanded more. As soon as the jacket fell down to the floor, the loud thump echoing in the darkness around them, he grabbed his shirt, revealing his stomach and chest to the air and his still uncomfortable intense gaze. Blushing more, gasping and trashing under him, Jaejoong tried to fight him off, clawing at his skin, arms and hands, kicking and trying to fling him off, but to no avail, Yunho held him captive, pressing him down with his weight, which made it harder to take off the shirt of course. Not that Jaejoong minded, but why should he strip now for the other? Had he asked, he would have done it, he would do anything for Yunho, but why was the other so harsh, so brutal with him now, why was he forcing something Jaejoong would have given freely, willingly? Tears spilled from his eyes, as Yunho tugged harder, grabbed the shirt in the front and just tore it off, ripping it into parts, flying around them from the force, leaving Jaejoong bare and shivering.

But there was no threat for him, Yunho still looked down at him, intensely, understanding and calm, his eyes were still full of love and adoration, Jaejoong’s heart arched under it. But why? The tears wouldn’t stop, he cried, his lips trembled and shivered, he bit down on them harshly, forcing his sobs back down his throat. As soon as the shirt had come off, he had stopped fighting. He just lay there, waiting, frightened and nervous, Yunho still above him, so close, so close he could smell him, feel the heat from his body. With trembling arms he tried to cover his chest, shame and fear took hold of him, he wanted to hide his imperfect body, his imperfect soul, lock himself away in a box, a closet, bury himself deep in the earth. He didn’t want Yunho to see him. He didn’t want Yunho to watch his ugly soul and body. But he did. His gaze went right through Jaejoong, he felt stripped, not only of his shirt, he couldn’t hide, he couldn’t flee, he was violated by the dark eyes above him but he couldn’t look away, he couldn’t turn his head. Still trapped in his spell, he stared above, glistening tears on his cheeks and lashes.

The other remained silent. Straitening himself, he took hold of his own shirt and in the same sudden and harsh motion he ripped the shirt from his own body, the shreds of it flying around them on the bed and floor, covering them for a second like snow. Then it was over.
Jaejoong stared at him with, frightened eyes big and begging for an answer. But Yunho gave him nothing, still silent he came down again, lowering himself slowly unto Jaejoong’s body, his eyes closed, his hands came under Jaejoong’s back, gripping him tight and holding him in a firm embrace. With his head on his shoulder, his breath hot on Jaejoong’s throat, he just lay there, unmoving, closer and more intimate than they had ever been before, their bodies touching in a fashion Jaejoong had always desired, dreamed of and longed for day and night, the one silent wish he had never voiced to the other, even with his confession he had never shared his desire for physical contact with the other, that would’ve driven him only further away.
Jaejoong was shocked into rigor, he didn’t dare to breathe or lift his arms, now lying useless at his side, itching to engulf the other body, but not one single muscle moving. Their lower bodies were pressed together, hot and burning even through their pants, Yunho’s legs between his, there wasn’t a single spot they didn’t touch and Jaejoong’s body grew hot from the contact, he was burning inside, his skin tingled. He felt Yunho. He smelled him, his fresh hair, mingled scents of mint and citrus, the faint remains of perfume on his skin. Yunho smelled like fall. Moist and rich.

“Do I shy away from you?” Yunho asked softly, his breath hot and moist against his throat, followed by a shiver that ran down his whole body, quickening his breath and heartbeat instantly.
Jaejoong closed his eyes, commanding his body to calm, trying to collect his thoughts and feelings, all stirred up by the man above him, the one holding his heart and finally, after months and months of waiting, his body in a tight embrace. What was there to lose? In this embrace he tasted heaven, peace, happiness, this might be his only chance to get this close to him, the first and only time he could take comfort and satisfaction in his arms and be Jaejoong for him, reacting the way he wanted to, not letting take Hero over and flee from to much contact, too much closeness, something he desired so deep in his heart, but tried to block and avoid at all costs in his head.
“No…” he answered honestly, slinging his arms around the other body, pressing close to the warmth, feeling the heat increasing, his arms shaking on Yunho’s back, clawing into his skin.

“When I’m with you, I open up, I can show you a side of me I don’t want anyone to see.” Yunho said faintly, with every word his lips brushed against Jaejoong’s throat, leaving a wet and burning spot were his tongue darted forward to cover his own flustered state. “I can show you my body… something I’m not proud of… I can open my heart to you, show you that I’m as weak as any other human being.”
It was a side not entirely unknown to Jaejoong, but it was so rare, so special when the other let his guard down, not only for him but for anyone, even in their group, friends for years now, Yunho would always hide his anger and fear until he couldn’t take it anymore. It was always his fight, his alone, but the times he opened up, he cried and suffered the most, sobbing and trashing against the wall, on the floor, a shocking side nobody could really deal with. But Jaejoong treasured every moment holding Yunho crying against his shoulder, trashing and fighting his demons and wounding himself in the process in his heart. Someone as strong as Yunho, leaning on him for support and sympathy, Jaejoong felt special, a blinding joy in his heart an soul, he craved this feeling, he needed to feel special for the other, someone he needed, someone irreplaceable.

His heart was full with emotions, overflowing from their intensity, his soul was weeping and crying out for an end. He clutched desperately at Yunho’s back, scratching his flawless skin as if trying to open something on him to release his own emotions into. But the other didn’t mind.
“I want you to know why…” his hands also clutched harder at the other’s body, digging into his skin. “You say you can’t love yourself? But why? Do you think you don’t deserve love and affection for who you are?” Yunho asked miserably, his emotions were also trying to crush him, coming over him in waves and every other second he shuddered when new sadness, anger and fear washed over him, taking him deeper into darkness. “You are a successful singer, you are a good cook, you are weak when dealing with hardships, you have a sensible heart and soul, you throw tantrums nearly every day... “ listing everything about the other, his voice threatened to break, growing faint and weak, nearly inaudible over their heartbeats. Stopping for some seconds, Yunho collected himself, finding enough strength to continue. “You are adopted… you are gay…”

As soon as the words reached him, he trashed in their embrace, fighting against the other, pushing at him, wrenching him closer only to strike him again, scratching at his back and shoulders. But Yunho never let go of him, he didn’t even flinch.
“I shouldn’t hold you like this! This shouldn’t be allowed…” he cried out, pressing his eyes tightly together, tears escaping him. There was so much joy, so much anguish in him, how could something so sinful feel so good? “A part of me wants to flee from this, from you… one part wants to hold you closer, press into your skin until we blend into one…” he confessed, struggling with his words, every syllable pressed out forcefully, his voice and body quivering. His body still shaking, he settled into his arms again, holding unto him like a drowning man to a lifebelt, there was only water around him, drowning him, swallowing him in darkness and despair. He couldn’t let go of the other, he would lose every fragment of sanity still left in him. But Yunho didn’t let him.
“I know your flaws, I can see them in your eyes and on your skin… you think nobody can love you for who you are? You think because of your flaws you cannot be loved by anyone?” Yunho asked, tears obvious in his voice before they splashed against Jaejoong’s skin, hitting his throat and shoulder, running down his chest. His own tears ran down his cheeks, falling into Yunho’s hair, both spots growing damper every second.

Losing just the tiniest of contact, Yunho lifted one arm, holding unto Jaejoong’s hand, placing it on his chest. “The chest I was afraid of showing for years, you can see it, touch it. It is one of my flaws.” He spoke so faint, so quiet, Jaejoong could barely make out what he said, tell words from breath of air, it all was one around him. His throat burned with the feeling, his hand shaking on the hot skin underneath it, hadn’t Yunho been lying on his legs, he was sure they would have trembled just as much.
“My shame for getting poisoned, not realising what was wrong until it was too late, left with my stomach problems for who knows how long. It is one of my flaws.” Yunho turned to his side slightly, pushing the hand on his chest down, all the way down on his skin to his stomach, the skin smooth to Jaejoong’s touch, but he could clearly feel the heat around his navel, the scar on the left from the surgery after the incident. Shaking from the sensation, he let the other guide him.
“The scar from falling down from the roof, so young and naïve, showing my rash behaviour till I die. It is one of my flaws.” When Jaejoong’s hand touched his face, the tear stained skin was cold under his fingertips, so incredible cold compared to the rest of Yunho’s body, making him shiver. “My teeth, because I listened to someone who was only concerned about my image. And I took the advice, scared and weak, taking every advice to heart and hiding behind medical perfection, being ashamed of something I shouldn’t have been ashamed off. Therefore I was punished for my weakness by months of pain. It is one of my flaws.”

With every word, slowly, crawling up at him, he understood the difference, he understood how much alike they were, he felt how much the other wanted to open up to him, showing a inside of his soul and his fears. Yunho wanted to be himself, absolutely honest, revealing the plain truth. Even though he tried so hard to stay calm and in control, Jaejoong felt the other’s hands tremble slightly, stroking his own, caressing his skin. He knew it, had known it all along, Yunho wasn’t as strong as he tried to show the world, he had his own problems and insecurities to deal with, but he would always place others first, come to them, hold them, wipe away their tears and take their sorrow as serious as his own. That’s why he was the leader. He was not perfect or overly strong, but he had the willpower to overcome everything. He cried too, was scared and felt hopeless, but he never stopped, he never gave up. That was what made him so perfect for Jaejoong in his imperfectness.
Yunho fought his demons. Jaejoong fled from them. That was the difference.

“How I still despise myself for letting you fall, every night crying when your knee was hurt, blaming myself for not protecting you, for being weak. That is one of my flaws.” His tears had stopped, but his voice was still sore and raw from emotion, shaking with every intake of breath, his body shuddered with Jaejoong’s, sharing their heat, the feeling of their skin. But it was more than mere touching. It was the closeness of their hearts. The secrets Yunho revealed to touch the other’s soul, let him see his open heart and cradle it against his own. Jaejoong felt his responsibility, the power Yunho had let go in opening himself, entrusting the other with a part of his soul.
Hand still on Yunho’s cheek, he looked up, holding his gaze. His tears had also stopped, a trail left on his cheeks and neck, he bit his lips nervously, not knowing what to do, what to say. But the other gave him no time to think about it further, slowly he came down, getting closer and closer, until their noses touched, their mixed breath ghosting over the other’s skin, burning, intoxicating.

His whole body shivered, panic arose in him, crawling up from deep inside. He was too close, too close, he could taste his breath, his lips, touching his own so slightly. It was so wrong, sinful, the forbidden fruit for Jaejoong, a desire he shouldn’t give into, something he knew was fatal, but against any rational judgement, he closed the last gap between them, finally kissing the other, a jolt running through his body as their lips crashed together, moving, probing, feeling, taking in every sensation of the other.
The one kiss, every other one before forgotten, fading into darkness, insignificant, worthless compared to this joy, this fever, the sensation running through his whole body and soul, setting every fibre on fire, burning him from within. This was it. The ultimate sin Jaejoong had vowed to never commit. And Yunho stepped with him over this border, opening his lips for him, unyielding, not shying away, tasting him fully and openly, giving as much in return as he took. There was no shyness in their kiss. It was the first time for them to kiss the other, but it felt like a distant memory of joy and peace in their souls, something they had experienced before and now, could finally feel again in each others arms, after longing for it desperately. It felt like heaven and hell to Jaejoong, he had desired it with his whole being and the peace it left in his aching heart and soul frightened and soothed him at the same time. With probing tongues, they dashed forward carefully, finding a rhythm they touched and withdrew from each other, their lips and bodies moving sensually against each other. There was nothing sexual about it. True, Jaejoong’s body was hot, a fire burning underneath his skin, but it was more his soul longing for it than his body. And it was perfect that way.

Until it was ripped from him again. Too soon it was over, Yunho withdrawing slowly from him, staring down into his eyes, lips still slightly open, red and wet, the heavenly taste still lingering on his own tongue.
“Being the imperfect individual that I am… can you still love me? As I love the imperfect individual you are?” he asked, breath ghosting over his lips, promising, soothing, intoxicating, making him ache for their connection again. They both weren’t perfect. And there was only one answer to Yunho’s question, Jaejoong knew this deep in his heart, his soul screamed at him, telling his mind to finally let go and take what the other offered. If Yunho was as imperfect as Jaejoong was, if he could love the other as unconditionally and fully as he did, could Yunho not love him the same? There was nothing to think about. Grabbing his head and forcing him down forcefully, he claimed his lips again. He’d let Yunho love him. Love him in return. Learning that even someone like Jaejoong could be loved and cherished, he would let Yunho take away his poisoning thoughts and learn to love himself again.

Next

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 19:15:27 GMT

Title: The last Dance
Chapter: 2/?
Author: akita_ino
Rating: overall NC17
Warnings: AU, angst, deathfic, sex
Characters: Gazette boys (pairing soon to be revealed)
Disclaimers: this is a work of fiction, I claim nothing to be true (I hope it’s not true), I make no profit with this and don’t intend to (if you want to give me something out of charity, I take it :) me prefers cookies~)

Summary: Do you know what it feels like? For weeks Uruha hears the same sentence in his dreams and he doesn’t know what it means. Is there a meaning behind it or is he just stressed? He has problems with his job, there’s no money to pay the month’s rent and no solution in sight. Until his friend offers him something…

Notes: sorry for the bad English, I don’t have a beta and wasn’t able to find one. If someone offers, I’ll take it :) This fic was inspired by a play I saw and I hope I can capture some of the feelings I had while watching and thinking of this story.
This didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I think my bad English is at fault, but, well, I try. Without trying I can’t get better xD so forgive me my bad style and enjoy!

~~~~

After two days Uruha found a letter in his mail box. One without the sender written on it and obviously not sent trough normal mail. But Uruha was certain nobody would send him a bomb in a letter, he had no real enemies, just sometimes people he didn’t get along with very well, but that was no reason to kill him. So he opened the letter and found a paper saying he had a job to do. Signed with Matsumoto incorporated – Takanori Matsumoto.
Here was his job, finally something to look forward to. It surprised him how fast Kai had managed to arrange everything, just two days had passed. But that was always reliable Kai, if he set his mind on something he would accomplish it, no matter what. Uruha sometimes wished he had Kai’s determination, it probably would have made a big difference compared to his current life and situation. He would have made different decisions. At least he thought so, because Kai was still very successful in what he did, he didn’t need to worry about money or reputation, he was well known and respected for his work. Uruha had lost that status already.

But at least he could rely on his friend. He would do this job as good as possible, he would show this Takanori that hiring him was the best idea of his whole life. And with this he would become successful again; he would find other business partners and aim for the top. He wasn’t even 30 yet, there still were enough chances for him if he played his cards right this time. He would not get another chance, he knew this was the last opportunity.
So he made everything ready for the big day, he would meet the others at 3pm in the new Jefferson Building, 34th floor. He was supposed to bring his own equipment, the cameras and lights, the computer and the concept pictures for the new series. The pictures were for a fashion magazine, the topic was thunder and storm. Quite a nice theme, Uruha liked it. He didn’t know who he would take pictures of, so he was pretty curious about the model. He admired their work, it was so different from his own, but every model could show their personality through their body, the face and especially the looks. Before Uruha had started working as a photographer, he had been unaware of the possibilities models had to show their true self in pictures. In his imagination it had always been the photographer who could be seen through the pictures, showing a part of his true self and his artistic talent.
Now he knew better and every new model he met showed him how different people could be, even though they had the same career and the same job, every model was a fascinating individual.

He packed everything in his car at 1. The streets where packed, as always, but he reached his destination in time. He took everything with him into the elevator and waited for it to reach the right floor. His breath was coming faster, he wasn’t used to carrying his stuff around anymore, most of the time the equipment had been provided, but it was a nice change to use his own stuff again. It had been expensive after all. The building seemed quiet. The different floors were designed to hold many offices by different firms, but because the building was so new, it seemed that not many people worked here already. It was a nice feeling, quiet and calming. The city was always so loud and Uruha needed the change once in a while. He had even thought about renting a little house in the countryside, to have a place to flee to when the noise of the city threat to consume him.

When he reached his floor, everything was deadly silent. Uruha was a bit confused, usually a lot of people were running around on a photo shoot. The models, chattering about this and that, make up artist, director, assistants for light and setting, wardrobe, catering? Where were all this people? It was already 2.45, there had to be someone here. Uruha could see a light at the end of the hallway, the door to a room was open and there was light, but he couldn’t see or hear if someone was inside. Slowly he made his way over to the other end of the hall and peeked inside. The light was already set, the background done, there even was a table with make up and a mirror. But where was everyone?

Suddenly there was a sound, footsteps, coming from deep inside of the room. There was someone, but Uruha didn’t dare to raise his voice and ask who it was. He stayed at the open door, trying to hide and watched breathlessly.
And then he could see the other person. He did not know who was waiting for him, so it was a surprise to see a guy walking up in front of the table with the mirror. Even more a surprise was the fact that this man seemed to be doing his own make up. He looked finished, his hair was done, he was wearing clothes that screamed catwalk. So his model was male, okay, it wasn’t often that he had to take pictures of male models, he had more focused on female models in his career. But it was a nice change. Uruha was pretty sure he was also able to make male models look their best in his pictures.

This one seemed to be a bit special though. The hair was done pretty wild, standing up in every direction, held together by tons of spray and gel, the light was reflected by it, making it sparkle in every shades of color possible. It was a fantastic sight; it made Uruha feel a little out of place with his more than ordinary clothes, more than ordinary hair style, more than ordinary personality. This guy seemed to be special, not just in appearance. Uruha could feel his aura, pride and confidence rolling off of him in waves. Each hit Uruha stronger than the previous.
It had been years since he had felt so nervous before a job. He decided to watch the other a little bit longer before he showed himself. He couldn’t deny that he felt drawn to him, also physically. Usually Uruha fell for American girls, he liked their blond hair, their light eyes and their unique sense of humor. They were independent, confident in what they were doing and also very successful in their jobs.

Sometimes he tried to deny it, but he needed a strong partner, someone who was able to handle pressure and failures and could still stand proud and strong in every situation. Of course he had also met Asian and African girls and tried to make their relationship work, but especially the Asian girls were not to his liking. But he had never been together with an Asian man. And he couldn’t deny that he was interested in this one.
He stood just there, watching this man and his unusual appearance, which appealed to him, very much. His hair seemed neither light nor dark, it depended on the light falling from a certain angle, sometimes it looked brown, sometimes blond, sometimes he was even sure to see some black streaks. For more than a minute the other completed his make up, not showing Uruha his face, only back and a little view of his side. But of course it was the face Uruha grew more and more impatient to see.

Deciding he had hid himself long enough from the other, he stepped forward, smiling and friendly. “Hello. Sorry for taking a little. I’m Uruha Takashima.”, he said friendly, taking some steps closer to the mysterious man in front of him.
Said man turned around, to look at him. Uruha watch him fascinated, for some seconds he even stopped breathing. He was breathtakingly beautiful, manly but with a touch of femininity Uruha had never seen in any man before. It added to his beauty. Coal rimmed eyes looked at him with a touch of curiosity, but at the same time Uruha felt as if the other man recognized him, as if he had met him before. But Uruha couldn’t remember anything, he had never met this man before.
“No, I am sorry, I was a little early and decided to prepare everything already so we could start right away.”, the other said, smiling just a tiny bit.

Uruha felt uneasy. He held his gaze, but found himself playing with the strap of his bag. Never had he seen someone with darker eyes, they seemed so dark, so very black and deep that Uruha felt shivers running down his spine. The other just smiled at him, perfect teeth showing between his lips. It amazed Uruha how good the other’s English was, no hint of accent audible. Was he also American?
“Sorry if I’m being rude, but your English is perfect. I was expecting someone with, well, a little accent when speaking English.”, he admitted.
The other laughed. “No, I’m not American. I’m full Japanese, but I decided early it could only help me if I tried my best at English. I also speak French and Spanish.”, he said with his deep and vibrating voice, so different from Uruha’s own.
He was sure the amazement was visible in his eyes. Uruha didn’t even speak Korean or Japanese, despite his parent’s origin. And now in front of this other man he felt embarrassed.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to make you feel embarrassed.”, he said quickly, as if sensing Uruha’s distress. “You are also Japanese right? I like your eyes.”
He blushed. Who wouldn’t if such a gorgeous man made you a compliment? “Thank you. I was born here, so I don’t understand any Japanese, sorry.”, he laughed to cover his insecurity.
“残念だ.”, the other answered smiling.
Of course Uruha understood nothing, but he liked the sound of it, this other language had a smooth sound to it, a flow Uruha liked and it suited the other even better than his already perfect English had. But he tried to focus again, he couldn’t keep standing here, admiring the other for his looks or voice, they had a job to do and it was surely past 3 already, so where were the others?
“Sorry, but shouldn’t the other people be around already? Don’t we have to start shooting?”, he asked.

The other looked at him, puzzled. “There are no others.”, he finally said, the little smile on his lips again. “I see, you got no real information about this before, right?”, again he laughed, but not mocking, only a little playful.
He was also very polite, Uruha decided. He must be a clever, well educated man, surely one like Kai was, a rich family and respected heritage. To answer him, he just shook his head. He really hadn’t received any information. Just the place and time and what he had to bring. Nothing about his team or money. But he was dealing with Matsumoto after all. Such famous persons didn’t talk about details, they wanted something done, so they instructed someone else to do it, it should be their responsibility. Uruha had thought the same. He would come here and somebody else would give him the details. But they couldn’t be supposed to be doing everything just by themselves, right? It sounded a bit ridiculous, but nobody else was inside and everything was prepared already, make up, clothes, hair, setting, light, so it really seemed to be true.

“Is really nobody else coming?”, he asked a little nervous.
The other shook his head. “No, it will just be the two of us. I did most of the work already. As you can see, I’m capable of doing my own make up and hair.”, he didn’t sound proud, he was just stating a fact.
And Uruha had to admit, he had done a pretty nice job with it. He was sure even without make up he looked good, but with he looked stunning. As the other laughed suddenly and mouthed a smirking ‘thank you’, he realized he had mused out loud. Instantly he blushed and cleared his throat.
“Thank you for the compliment. Do I really make you that nervous? You look flushed.”, he stated, looking Uruha directly into his eyes, probing, searching, but only curious about the truth. He didn’t seem to be making fun of Uruha’s sudden tension.
“No, it’s just…”, he started, but wasn’t sure how to explain it without sounding too much like a school girl. “I’m just very impressed by your impression. Usually I just do shoots for normal fashion magazines, you know, girls in high heels and short skirts, swinging design leather bags and wearing enormous glasses. I wasn’t really prepared for… this.”

And that was the truth. The other also seemed to believe him. He nodded and then turned around to go to the wall, where the lightning was set upon. It was a dark wall, with lots of scribbling done to it. The light was also dark and scattered. It was the right atmosphere for the dark clothes and make up, it gave him a mysterious aura, he seemed to be glowing from within in the dark environment.
“Should we start?”, the other suggested and took his place before the wall. He stood there, waiting for Uruha to say or do something.
Uruha was sure he knew how to pose, how to show the right expression with his eyes, smile, body, but he looked like he was waiting for something from the other, like he should decide the feeling of the pictures and everything. And Uruha knew what to make out of this photos. The scenery seemed incredibly familiar, like he had seen the whole scene with himself and the other somewhere already. But he wasn’t sure where or if. Maybe from a movie.

He took his camera and took his place before the wall, looking at it some seconds through his camera. He decided to use another lens, one that would filter out the red of the light, to make everything bluer afterwards. It would also make him appear more unreal, dreamlike. That would be a wonderful setting for the pictures.
“Let’s imagine, you are in someone else’s dream, you are the storm in his dreams, you haunt him, you keep him awake even though he is sleeping, you consume his whole being, make him unable to be himself again, you show him everything dark about himself, you bring death and sorrow to him, but you make him believe you are resurrection, your are the god he has been waiting for in his life.”, he said loud, giving the right directions for the other.
He couldn’t really stop himself anymore, he suddenly knew what he wanted to make out of this, what he wanted to see, needed to see and feel. It was crystal clear, in his mind he already had the exact image of everything. He rather felt it than saw it, there was just one way to do this and he would make his model do it.

Strangely the other just smiled at his directions, turned around once, breathed deeply, showing Uruha his back. When he turned around again, the air froze between them. His face was a perfect mask, betraying no emotion and missing it’s former humanity. He became the image in Uruha’s mind, the dark knight, beautiful, deadly, the lord himself who came down to take the sinner with him, showing him kindness to lure him into doom. Uruha felt intoxicated, the tension between them was thick, cold, his camera clicked and clicked, he couldn’t stop himself, every motion was captured, every angle, every turn of his head, his hands, his body. He was lost in his pictures, taking more than one every second while the image in his head grew stronger, clearer and without even voicing his wishes, his model followed his thoughts perfectly, every turn Uruha made him do in his mind, he took perfectly before him. It felt like mere seconds, and then his film was already full. Hastily he changed it and took even more pictures. He could sense something coming from the other, a cold chill and even though he was the one behind the camera, he felt observed, he couldn’t shake off that feeling.

He became one with the other, he felt his emotions, the darkness that had grown stronger in his expression and movements. It felt like a total different person in front of him, watching, mocking him with venomous smiles and dark eyes. Uruha wasn’t in charge anymore, he felt played with, toyed, made everything the way someone else wanted it to be. Automatically he pressed his camera, every click grew more distant, until there was no sound anymore, anywhere. Still, the image in his mind grew stronger, more defined, before his eyes reality and image became one. The slim hands, the slender hips, the man before him was perfect, breathtakingly beautiful and suddenly disturbingly familiar to Uruha.

Before he could really grasp it, it was over. The other turned around again, took some deep breathes and left his place. He took some steps towards Uruha, who lowered his camera and looked at him puzzled.
“We can’t be finished yet! It was perfect, we need more!”, Uruha insisted desperately. He turned to him, grabbed his shoulder. “What is wrong? We had the perfect connection! How often does that happen? You did exactly what I wanted!” He searched his eyes, trying to convince him to do another round.
But the other just smiled, brushed of his hand softly. “I am finished.”, he said calmly, turning around and taking off his rings. “You might not want to hear it and I’m sorry if I anger you with my words, but I have a lot more experience than you do. So I can make every photographer have that connection with me.”, he said unaffected, suddenly much more unfriendly and colder than before. “I think it was the other way around. You did, what I wanted and that was perfect.”, he turned around a little and smiled. “We’re done, you can go. I guess they will mail you about the pictures, you probably have to send them by mail. Bye!”, he waved a little, smiled again and then left.

Dumbfounded Uruha watched him leave, the rings left on the table. Everything was still the same, nobody was here to clean up, he was just thrown out of this place by some vain prick. There really was no justice! How could this guy be this way? First he had been nice, admiringly friendly and polite. At least Uruha had thought so. He had been wrong. How mad he was at himself for it. He should have known, seen this coming, in his early years he had been the same, arrogant and greedy, mean to everyone around him. And this guy seemed no different from Uruha’s self some years ago.
Sighing he packed his camera away, put the films into their bags and gathered all of his things. There was nothing left here, waiting was useless, he had experienced enough. But still, it had been a good decision to come here. He had gained a lot, he knew again what this business could make out of you, how it could transform you and make you a horrible person. Uruha would not let himself become like that again.

Once he had done the same, he had been a horrible friend, especially to Kai and now he refused to let this lifestyle consume him again. He had no justification to become arrogant again. He would do everything in his power to stay the person he was now. And hopefully Kai would also appreciate the effort.
He was on the edge of leaving, when he turned around again once more and looked at the table with the rings the other had left. Before he hadn’t noticed a magazine lying there. But now he watched it closely, and realized that the other was on the cover of that magazine. Why would someone take around his own magazines? But mysteriously Uruha felt drawn to the picture, there was something about it, it looked a little like the pictures he had taken today with the other. But why? Well, obviously the idea wasn’t new. Others had also thought of the same setting, the dark atmosphere, the smoky make up and rock-clothes.

It suited him perfectly. It really provoked Uruha’s curiosity, so he grabbed the magazine and opened it. The first page was of the other, standing in front of a building, the wall was dark, the bricks looked old, with little holes everywhere. Maybe from bullets? He turned the page and was suddenly confronted with another person standing beside him in front of the wall. He had the same height, his eyes were equally dark and promising. He was smirking, his longer black hair fell down his shoulders, wavy and smooth. One warm was draped other the other’s shoulder, their bodies pressed close together. Both were looking his direction, the black haired one smiling faintly, promising, sensual, his shirt was open, showing his chest and one pink nipple. The other looked at him faintly, showing no smile or emotion, he was cool, dark, a little annoyed it seemed at somebody else. Possession, property, Uruha could see it in his eyes, directed at the black haired one, showing clearly in the way his arm was held around the black haired’s waist. This were real feelings in the pictures, they weren’t acting. The feeling grew stronger in Uruha, as the seconds ticked by. A lover would hold someone else like that, not just a colleague.

He turned the page. Again a picture of the two beauties. This time the black haired one had his back turned to the viewer, his arms around the neck of the other, his body pressing tightly against the other. His head was turned slightly, eyes closed, his lips parted a tiny bit. The other had one arm around his waist, holding him right above his bottom, the fingers playing with the short shirt. He looked over his shoulder right at Uruha. The sexual tension was thick and tangible through the picture, Uruha shuddered for a second. The background had changed a little and looked now even more like the one in the room. But that wasn’t possible.
He thought about putting the magazine down again and leaving finally. But something kept him from doing it. The two appeared to be the perfect couple, passionate and mystical in every picture, with every move they took in the pictures. It was something Uruha had never seen before, especially not in a fashion magazine. They were two men and so close to each other, a little bit too close for such a normal magazine. Was that possible in Japan? In America it would never be allowed. This thought was so interesting, so intriguing for Uruha, who had always tried to be as unsuspicious as possible when dealing with boys he liked.

Exited he turned the page again. This picture was so different than the ones before, but at the same time it had the same atmosphere as the previous ones. He couldn’t stop starring at the third person in the picture, the other two nearly forgotten. He felt a strong connection to this person, even though he couldn’t see his face. His back was turned to the camera, the other stood at his sides, both had their arms around him. The black one was pressed against his side, his lips close to his neck, slightly parted, the tip of his tongue could be seen, ready to dash forward and lick the pale skin. The other one stood at the other side, one hand had grabbed his arm, the other was tangled in his partner’s hair.
The one in the middle seemed to be the possession of the other two, they held him between them. Uruha couldn’t see his face, but imagined it being passionate, satisfied, being loved by the two beauties must be a wonderful feeling.

Wherever the thought came from, Uruha knew this picture, he had seen it somewhere already. He felt being pulled into the picture, into the three men standing there. The black haired one watched him closely, Uruha thought he saw him moving for a second, showing his tongue and licking his lips inviting. The one on the right, his model from some minutes ago, watched him intensely, aggressive and powerful. But, and that surprised Uruha, he wasn’t the one in charge. Even though he held the hair of the man in the middle in his fist, this one seemed to be the one controlling it. Uruha wished he could see his face, but he could only see his back, not even a little of his face, just his hair. Equally black as the one’s on the left. But more strands fell down his back, it was long, soft, like silk. His body was slim, even slimmer than the others, his hips, moving sensually to the right.
The wish to become part pf their private party became stronger and stronger in Uruha, whoever the other two in the picture were. And even though his acquaintance today had seemed everything but friendly and nice, he couldn’t deny being drawn to all three of them physically.

Another page turned, another picture revealed. There was a big picture of the model he had taken pictures off today, his name right under it in big black letters. Reita. What kind of name was that? Surely it couldn’t be his real name. But on the page were nothing but unknown symbols. This was a Japanese magazine, he couldn’t read anything. So what were the names of the other two? He scanned the two pages quickly, but found nothing. It seemed the other two were not as famous, they had just accompanied him.
He wasn’t getting desperate, but he needed a clue, something that showed him who the other two were. He wanted to know. Something in him screamed that he needed to know their names. He turned the page again, the interview was finished now it seemed, but on this page was a small little picture of the two dark haired beauties, the taller one, the one from the middle was again facing the camera with his back, his head slightly turned, his lips were visible, but everything else was covered by his ebony colored hair. His left hand was pressed against the wall, his black nails reflected the light on them, they glittered in blue and grey, right beside the head of the other one, who was leaning against the wall, legs spread, inviting the other to come closer. The one in front of him had his hand on his hip and was drawing closer to his body.

It struck Uruha like a lightning, he knew this picture, there was no doubt about it. Suddenly he remembered the dreams that had left him alone the past two days, the same sight had been in his head several times. The man with his back turned to him, but never really visible, just parts of him and his lips had murmured the same words every time. This was the man from his dreams, it had to be him. There was the same aura about him Uruha had felt while dreaming. It was dark, erotic, mysterious, intoxicating. Lightly he traced the picture with his fingers. But still no name. Who was he? And how could Uruha get closer to him?
No, he didn’t believe in fate and destiny, it was purely by chance that his dreams matched reality like this. He would call Kai again and ask about this Reita, Kai would surely find some information and he also should be able to find out about the other two.

Quickly he stuffed the magazine in his bag and fled the scene.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:41:12 GMT

Title: The last Dance
Chapter: 1/?
Author: akita_ino
Rating: overall NC17
Warnings: AU, angst, deathfic, sex
Characters: Gazette boys (pairing soon to be revealed)
Disclaimers: this is a work of fiction, I claim nothing to be true (I hope it’s not true), I make no profit with this and don’t intend to (if you want to give me something out of charity, I take it :) me prefers cookies~)

Summary: Do you know what it feels like? For weeks Uruha hears the same sentence in his dreams and he doesn’t know what it means. Is there a meaning behind it or is he just stressed? He has problems with his job, there’s no money to pay the month’s rent and no solution in sight. Until his friend offers him something…

Notes: sorry for the bad English, I don’t have a beta and wasn’t able to find one. If someone offers, I’ll take it :) This fic was inspired by a play I saw and I hope I can capture some of the feelings I had while watching and thinking of this story.
Sorry for the long and boring first chapter, but it’s the introduction of the first characters and the start of a chain of events essential for the rest of the fic. Don’t blink or you might miss the hints xD sorry… enjoy!

~~~~

Do you know what it feels like?
For days, weeks even, it had been the same exact sentence, always the same words and the same that asked him. He didn’t know who was asking him this question, what it was about, how he should answer, if he should answer. Not even what this person was referring to. But that was okay. Dreams didn’t need to make sense and for several weeks his clearly didn’t make any. At first it was just a little hindrance in his daily routine, he would wake up from the same dream three days in a row, but that was nothing to be worried about. It was never the exact same dream, that would have been too weird, but the dreams always seemed to be connected, like one continued where the other had stopped or one was a second version of another one some days ago. It was surreal, something he had never experienced before and was not too keen on to experience once again. That was at least what he told himself, when he woke up in the middle of the night, the eyes, the voice, the black hair still present in his mind. Why was it always the same person? Why always the same words?

He couldn’t find any meaning behind it. He did not know the person in his dreams and well, even if he did, how should he identify him? That much was clear, the voice in his head was male, but he never saw a full face or even a real body, just glimpses. Sometimes a hand, strands of hair, an eye, lips forming the words he spoke, but never the whole picture. How should he know what this person looked like, who he was? First he thought it might be someone from his work, one of the clients he had taken photos off for his last commission, but he couldn’t remember anyone who had looked even a little bit similar to this person. It might have been someone from a TV show, that was possible, but he never watched much television anyway and he would remember someone who left such a strong impression on him. He surely would.

First the dreams had been just a hindrance, but now they kept coming every night, even in the day when he was taking a nap or he dozing off in the train on his way to work and it was taking control over his life. What had happened to him and his existence? Every morning he woke up with the same thoughts running through his head, he could not eat breakfast without asking himself the same things over and over again, he saw this man every time he closed his eyes, when he looked into water for more than two seconds, he was going crazy. Without even knowing who was driving him to it. It felt like it. Never in his life had his thoughts been this dominated by one person, he was sure even when he was a baby he didn’t think about his mother as much as he thought about this man now. Even the people he had loved hadn’t been on his mind constantly. It was a new experience.

And the problem was, he wasn’t as angry about as he should be given the circumstances. His dreams were never violent or scary, just unreal, like dreams tended to be. Sometimes he looked forward to them, the challenge to figure out this man’s identity kept in mind. It was a game, a puzzle, one he wanted to solve. Never had he been confronted with such a challenge, not that he could remember and he wanted to prove, if only to himself, that he was able to work out a problem this difficult. He hadn’t told his friends about the dreams. Not that he had many friends to begin with, but even the closest didn’t know about the mysterious man haunting his dreams. He wanted to keep him to himself. And once he found out this guy, the meaning behind all of this, he would search him, find him and tell him. He would show him that would’ve been better not to play with him the way he had. This was no coincidence. This was on purpose, surely. And this man was the reason behind it, the one pulling the strings and controlling his life throughout his dreams.

He did not believe in fate. There was no thing as fate, destiny, fortune, whatever mankind had made up to control the people of their period. These words didn’t exist for him, there was no greater good and evil in the world, everything was the doing of an individual, sometimes more than one. And if you found the origin of something, you could stop it, whatever it was. Just eliminate the source. He didn’t call it a philosophy, but it was his way of thinking and how he managed his life. At least most of the time. Recently there were problems with his landlord. He hadn’t been able to pay his rent the last month and had borrowed some money from a friend. The loans weren’t the problem, but he was short again this month. His clients hadn’t paid the last assignment. He didn’t know how to fix this. He had called them every day for a week. Nothing. And now? He couldn’t borrow more money from his friend, he was too embarrassed about the whole thing. The first time too, but there had been no other choice. And now he had to search for another option, find something to get money from to earn enough for his rent. He couldn’t leave this place. He had moved in one year ago and now it was totally his realm.

His cameras, the darkroom for his films, the frames and pictures on every wall, it was all his doing, all his money he had used to make this apartment his, to show his personality and to get a professional working place. And even if he moved out, he still would have to pay this month’s rent. It didn’t matter if it was personal crisis or just general, economic crisis that caused his problems, they were there now and he was searching for a way to solve this problem.

It had just turned 11 as he sat down on his couch, turned on the TV and opened the newspaper of the day and flipped through the pages. Nothing too much interesting, at least not for him. He wasn’t interested in stockings and the general market situation, even though it proved his suspicion that economy was crashing down much faster than anyone had foreseen. It was a bad time for everyone. Still he felt a little sorry for himself to be born in this time. He sighed, closed the paper again and focused on television. War and crime was in every country. Countries he had never heard of before and never wanted to hear something about again. Other people’s misfortune made him uncomfortable. He didn’t want to deal with other people’s problems. He had enough to do with his own. But something caught his interest. Not because it was really interesting, nothing new, but again more and more sects had formed in Japan in the last years, everyone talking of the Last Judgment and trying to deny god’s existence in the world and it was funny to see sects gaining power, while denying the one thing that gave them power over their believers. Without god, there was no real believe in his opinion.

But it was something to entertain him every once in a while. It was Monday again. Still nothing to do. He had written so many letters to magazines and agencies, but none had been returned yet. He wasn’t getting desperate, not yet, but slowly he could feel the walls getting closer. He needed a commission. The sooner the better. So he did what he always did, when there was nothing to do. He organized his office again, looked through all his photos and arranged them new. He also made a new sedcard, which he sent to the magazines and agencies to show his skills, as application. Every time he did this he thought he had found pictures to show his skills better and that he surely would be successful this time. But he had yet to be right. Today was also a bad day because it was raining outside; the rain was loud against the glass of the windows and life seemed even more boring and pointless than on a sunny day. Television bored him, even though it had been able to distract him for some minutes. Now what should he do? A shower seemed the best idea. Under the soothing fall of warm water he had the best ideas, he could distract himself from everything that bothered him.

On the way to his bathroom his doorbell rang. No time for a shower, at least not yet. It was still early, so it probably was only the postman, bringing new letters with advertisements and maybe something from his bank. Just some weeks ago he had taken all the money from his account. The bank might be complaining now about the empty account, which was probably below zero at the moment. But there was no use crying over spilled milk. He went to his door, opened it for his guest and smiled immediately at the person before him.
“Sir, might it be that you took the wrong door?” he said smiling and let the other inside.
“You know Sir, I really might be wrong, I thought a friend of mine was living here, but when I look at you sir, and I hope you take no offense in that, you look more like the fading reflection of the man I call my friend.” He smiled also, going with the joke.
They had been friends for a long time already and nothing ever had come between them, not woman or cars, fame, money, they still remained the same. And that was something Uruha was glad about. After college, in college it had already started, friends had dumped him pretty harshly for other friends, better friends with more money and more status. But his true friend had always remained and for that he was still grateful.

After college, where he had been a nobody without a secure home because of his constant fights with his father, which resulted in him running away from home and refusing money from his mom, who was so desperate and worried about him, so the only money he had was from different part time jobs, he had started a promising career as photographer. Soon he had earned a lot of money, gained more friends and the status of a VIP in his business. He had felt like a rock star, just without the music. At least for some time. Soon others had come and he had been a small fish in a big glass again. But even after these years without contact, he had turned back to his old friend and he had still been welcome.
“What is the purpose of your visit today?”, he asked as they went through the hall, into the living room and made themselves comfortable on the big couch and chair in front of the television.
First his friend remained still, just looked at him smiling and grabbed the newspaper from the table in front of him. “I assume you haven’t read the last pages of the newspaper yet.”, he said, turned the newspaper around and continued without waiting for an answer. He knew the answer anyway, in this point his friend hadn’t changed over the years. The newspaper was interesting, yeah, for the first 5 pages maybe. “You see, Shinstar Dynamics is losing its investors pretty rapidly. The stocks are going down at the speed of light. It’s a massacre. Do you now what is going on at the stock exchange? They want to sell everything as soon as possible, nobody wants to keep it, and therefore it’s losing value every second.”, he said and looked kind of flustered.

“I know Shinstar Dynamics and I know the products pretty well, but why would I need to know that?”, Uruha asked a little confused. He didn’t know what his friend was referring to.
“You have always been a little dense, but that’s okay. Like you should know, my father makes his money in the same business and has always favored Shinstar products. He used them in his stores. Around 73% of everything he sold was produced by Shinstar.”, his friend told him again. And yeah, at that moment he remembered it, of course he knew his friend’s family quite well, but he hadn’t been in contact with them for years, it should be normal and understandable to forget such details. But his friend didn’t seem to be offended by his words.
“Does that mean your father has problems now because he lost his business partner?”, he asked.
“Well, it’s not easy to find a new company in such a short time. He still has a lot of Shinstar products, but he can’t sell them anymore. The problem is that the boss of Shinstar seems to be involved in some very interesting trades with other companies and he probably bribed some people in the government. But nothing official has been released yet.”, his friend said in a low voice and seemed far off with his thoughts for a second.
“Bad news for you, hm?”, he asked. He didn’t really know what to do; he had never been good at comforting people, especially not his friends. Usually they knew how to take care of themselves and managed every possible situation just fine without help.

“But, you know”, he suddenly started again after some minutes of silence. “I think dad will manage it. Other companies are trying to fill Shinstar’s place and make profit out of the situation. So every former partner of Shinstar should be able to find a suitable substitute. That is how it has always been.” He said now smiling again and with that the topic was closed for the moment.
It seemed strange to Uruha that his friend had even started with this topic if he didn’t really want to talk about it. But that was typical of his friend. Sometimes it was for himself too. They were men, they talked about some things, but not about other things, especially not if emotions were involved. But he would ask again later, his friend seemed troubled by the news and there was probably more behind it than just a little concern for his dad’s business. That was obvious. At the other hand he did not want to pres the issue. He wasn’t that interested in his friend’s private life, sometimes you had to respect borders and not cross them.
“And what else brings you to my doorstep on this lovely Monday?”, he asked to change the topic.
“Oh yeah, I forgot!”, he said with new enthusiasm. “The real surprise about the whole Shinstar affair is that a new group announced that they would take over Shinstar’s business. And not just the main production, everything. In the next 2 years they want to invest a total of 500 million dollars to preserve jobs and pay back the dept of Shinstar.”

That was a real surprise. Which company would do that? And why? It was clear that Shinstar had serious problems right now. Not just with money, their image was not the best anymore and why would a company spent that much money to keep another company alive? Especially one like Shinstar, which obviously had some affairs with the mafia and interference with politics.
“Why would another company do that? And where did you hear that? Are you sure your information is right?”, Uruha asked. He was curious about this deal. He might have some problems with money, his business was not taking the economic crisis very well, but it seemed in other branches business was as usual. “In these times, what company can afford to invest that much money?”
“Well…”, his friend said smiling. “There is only one with the needed money and the manager to dare something like that. Matsumoto incorporated.”
How well he knew that name. One of the biggest companies in East Asia, probably the biggest outside of Europe and America. But why would a Japanese company take over an American one with a bad image? Of course, had Shinstar been just an ordinary company that lost it’s money and became bankrupt, then it would be totally understandable for a foreign company to take over their business. But Shinstar wasn’t an ordinary company, not anymore. It was a great risk in such a situation, one Uruha himself would have never dared to take. And he knew about the business, he had majored in business economics and management. And his friend had too. Now it was clear what this visit was about.

“I mean, that’s big news. Why would Matsumoto do something like that? Their business is doing great, last year they had a plus of 19%, that’s enormous these days, you know that. Why risk everything with this deal?” He didn’t really know what to make out of this behavior. Was nobody concerned for the company’s future? They had been doing great so far and now? What would happen to them now? Reputation, status were still very important in Asian culture and in American culture too, if even just a small thing went wrong, they might lose everything and disappear.
“You know, Matsumoto senior has always been that way, he never took any risks and stayed in his fields, with his people. He is a typical Japanese man of his time. Or should I say ‘was’”, said his friend and in that instant knew what had happened. And he was surprised his own father hadn’t called him already.
“You mean his son has…?”
“Yeah, he has taken over. Matsumoto Takahiro passed away. It was a heart attack, when he attended one of his meetings with his business partners. That was one month ago. And now you see why everything happened the way it did.”
Now everything made sense. What he had thought before was wrong, totally wrong. Matsumoto incorporated was now led by the son of the founder, Matsumoto Takanori and that meant a lot of trouble for Uruha. Not really trouble, but his dad would call him soon and demand to take his life seriously at last and try to enter the new company, which would form out of Matsumoto and Shinstar. There was no doubt his friend had come to tell him that and maybe rescue him from his fate. Because in his current situation, he couldn’t say no to his father much longer. He had no money and if he didn’t earn some soon, he would have to ask him for money and his dad would surely play his cards well in that situation. Because of this news his friend had come to him, Uruha was sure of it.

“And you came to rescue me, right?”, he asked hopefully, looking at his friend, already a little desperation visible in his eyes. “You didn’t go to law school for nothing, right? There has to be a way out? My father can’t trick me into this!”
“You underestimate your father, Uruha. He already called me and wanted to make sure I told you again what he expects of you. I’m not a fan of him either, you know that, but you have to look at your situation. How much longer can you keep going? I already gave you money last month. You are my friend and I would do anything to help you, but you are not the only one who has bills to pay.”, his voice was sad and it was clear how much he wanted to help Uruha, but was unable to now. He also had his own apartment and because of his job he had to travel a lot for his company, he didn’t have the time to stay at Uruha’s side and help him with his problems. His friends family was rich, Uruha’s wasn’t. But both of their dads expected a lot of their sons.
His friend continued without paying real attention to Uruha. He didn’t say it to hurt him but to inform him of his options. “You know what your father sacrificed your years in college. He made your scholarship possible, without it you wouldn’t have been able to go to college. Well, at least not the one we went to and you know that.”
“Of course I know that! But I thought I had paid him back already by taking over the loan for his house after I finished college. He got a lot of money from me and that was all he ever wanted! He wanted me to be famous, so he could have a nice life with my money!”, Uruha was getting louder, he was furious and still angry at his father. For years he had treated him bad, especially after Uruha had informed him of his wish to become a photographer. For years they had refused to speak with each other.

“You are both bullet heads and you can’t deny that it would have been better to make up years ago when your mother was still alive. At least for her sake. Or mine. I’m the one who has to put up with your shit every time you decide to launch an attack at your dad. Or when he does the same to you. I’m tired of it.”, he said calmly, but also a bit louder than before.
And Uruha knew he was right. He wasn’t really mad at his father anymore, he loved him of course, but they never got along very well, because they were so different. Uruha was more a younger version of his mother. She had been an artist, had studied art history and worked at a museum. She had been very friendly and forgiving towards her son and when he decided he wanted to be a photographer, she had encouraged him to live his dream. Of course silently, so his dad wouldn’t notice it.
His dad on the other hand had been furious with him. A photographer was not what his dad had wanted him to be. In his eyes Uruha should have been a businessman, just like himself. Run a small company by himself or work for a big one and make it to the top there. That had been his father’s dream.
“Uruha… you know your dad loves you. Maybe you should give it a try? I mean, you are clever, you graduated top of the whole state, that’s not bad, they would surely hire you. Why-“
“Because I don’t want to!”, he said in a serious voice. “Why would I now enter a company? I’m nearly 30, I know what I want to do and it’s not what my father expects of me. I’m sorry if that causes him grief, but it’s my decision. It was never his, even though he might think it was.” And with that it was final. He would stand up for his life and not do what other people wanted him to do. He was stubborn, yes, he knew that, but he considered it one of his better traits of character. He could live with being called stubborn. He cast a glance at his friend, but after one second looked at the wall again. He was sorry, his friend just wanted to help him and he appreciated the effort, but there was nothing to discuss anymore, his decision was final and everyone else would have to live with that. His friend, his family. And he would need to find a way to earn money again, to show them he was capable of taking care of himself.
His friend laughed a little, settled against the armrest. He looked more than pleased, which caused Uruha to stare at him confused.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I had hoped you wouldn’t back down. The Uruha I met at college would never do what other people told him. Well, I’m an exception to that rule of course.”, he laughed again and Uruha couldn’t stop himself from smirking.
Yeah, that was Kai, always the clever one, the little evil one with the face of an angle. You could never trust him. And Uruha loved that about him.

“Asshole.”, he said smirking, reached over and punched his friend playfully. “I nearly had a heart attack.”
“I would never betray you like that. I was very close to tell your father to fuck himself. But my good manners kept me from doing it. And he would have called my dad. But yeah, that’s not the point. You know you have problems and you need help, because no way in hell you would be able to earn the money you need right now. But here’s your friend to the rescue!”, he exclaimed with a pleased expression.
Uruha though wasn’t so sure about that yet. “You need to tell me more than that. I know that I need help, but how do you plan to help me with my little financial problem?”
“Oh, that’s easy. Remember when I was in Princeton? Well, I didn’t tell you everything about the six months I spent there.”, Kai said mysteriously, a small smile still on his lips.
Uruha looked at him more confused than ever. “I remember your research project you did in Princeton.”
“I told you that I met Takanori Matsumoto there, right?”
“Yes, you did. That’s why my dad is trying to convince you to help me get into the company, because he thinks you might be able to help a little. But it’s been years since you met him there, he wouldn’t remember you.”, Uruha said, shaking his head.

“Your dad is right. I’m still in contact with Takanori. To be exact, I screw him.” These casually spoken words made Uruha speechless for nearly a minute. He didn’t know what to say to that, had he even heard right? He looked at his friend for some seconds, searching his face for something suspicious. He probably shouldn’t believe him, Kai was known for his jokes and tricks sometimes, but he had already tricked Uruha with the talk about his dad, he wouldn’t do it twice in such a short time, right? And not with such a topic.
“Are you serious?
Kai nodded. “Yes, I am. Well, how should I put this… when we both where at Princeton, he wanted to be my friend. You know he is very clever and graduated at only 19. At that time he was only 17 and very insecure of himself. He didn’t speak English very well, so he desperately wanted some Asian friends to talk to and hang out with. He wasn’t familiar with American culture yet.”
Uruha listened carefully. He couldn’t really understand why their conversation had taken such a turn. It was not the problem of Kai being involved with another guy, both men had confessed at an early time of their friendship that they would also go for guys. But why this one? He had seen pictures of Takanori Matsumoto, he wasn’t bad looking, but he was very short and seemed really shy and immature for his age. He was now 23, he should be able to make decisions for himself. And now that his father was dead, he had to manage a company.
“So of course he decided I would be a good friend for him too. My name and all. He didn’t know I was born in America and already a third generation and when he started talking to me in Japanese, I understood nothing. Still, we got along, kind of; it was hard because we couldn’t really understand each other but soon I noticed his interest in me and so we played around the remaining months. And he still likes me and keeps contact.”

“If that is true, why are you not entering his company? If there is still something going on between you two.”, Uruha asked. At least it would be the thing he would think about first. He wasn’t a bad person, if feelings were involved, he would never consider it. But Kai didn’t seem to be in love. “Wouldn’t your dad be happy? Kai Yutaka Uke fucking Takanori Matsumoto-new business dream-couple.”, Uruha mused aloud.
In return Kai laughed so hard some tears build in his eyes, which he whipped away quickly. “He wouldn’t be happy. But it has its benefits to fuck the now manager of such a big company. He is still a child and he doesn’t see what he will cause with this Shinstar deal. I didn’t say anything to him. He will make his mistakes by himself and stand up for it, sooner or later.”, he shrugged.
No, Kai was not in love with Takanori, that was obvious and Uruha was glad about it. Most of the time your feelings made you weak and vulnerable. In this business you couldn’t afford to provide somebody with a target.
“And I will help you. Because of Takanori’s little fancy I will ask him to hire you for his next collection. Did you know Matsumoto has a fashion branch? No? Thought so. I didn’t know until he told me and then I knew I had to make him hire you. He doesn’t know about you yet, but after this I will meet him and arrange everything. What do you say?”, Kai looked at him, waiting for his answer.

Uruha didn’t reply right away. He sat still for some time and went over everything again carefully. It was a chance, a big one, one he wouldn’t be offered again, he knew that. Kai was a good friend, but he helped only if the other wanted the help. Once he refused he would never be allowed to mention it again. But what choices did he have? It was either take Kai’s outstretched hand or sink with the ship. He knew his situation well enough. He had to agree.
“Tell me what you have planned.”, he asked. “What kind of deal are we talking about?”
“That is not clear yet. He might hire you for a fashion show. Matsumoto has it’s own agency for models, they do fashion shows all over Asia and recently they started on the US market. So he needs publicity, pictures in magazines and television and you might be the one to take the pictures of his models. I will tell him that you are the best for this job.”
“Because I’m your frie-“
“Because you are the best. That’s all. I will ask him tonight, so be prepared. I don’t when he will need you and where you have to go, but you have to be ready for it, okay?”, Kai looked at him, his hand outstretched to seal their deal, as it still was custom with business deals.

And Uruha took his hand. It was his chance, the one he had been waiting for. And because it was his old friend Kai, he had no doubt that everything would go well. He would do some photo shoots for the other and be able to pay his rent and bills again. And while doing this he could still search for other partners elsewhere. This deal wasn’t permanent, it would be maybe two or three times, but that was enough to help him now. Until he could manage everything alone again.

“Tell him it will only be temporary, okay?”
“I will, I will. But just one thing. He is still Japanese, so don’t introduce yourself with your Korean name. He could take it the wrong way.” Kai looked at him serious, looking much older than just 29.
“Why?”, Uruha exclaimed, very irritated by this request. “I always go by Uruha, I hate my Japanese name.”
“Just because your dad is Japanese and your mom Korean. It’s obvious on who’s side you stand. But please, just for now. He is a little spoiled brat after all. Well, sometimes.”, Kai mused, sunken in memories Uruha had no idea of and was glad that he hadn’t. He didn’t want to imagine his friend having sex with the midget. Or even kissing him.
“Okay, but only the name. I’m not good at speaking Japanese, you know that. My dad was not the best teacher.”, he agreed.
“No problem, he has gotten much better now, his English is nearly perfect so there won’t be any problem. In case you two meet, I’m not sure if you will though. He might just send you the papers now that I think of it. But still, sign with your Japanese name, okay?”

Uruha told him again he would. Then the visit was over. It was already past 2 and Kai needed to hurry now, his meeting was at 3:30 already and he hadn’t changed his clothes yet. Uruha told him he looked fine, but Kai was never really pleased with his clothes or hair or anything.
As soon as the other had left, Uruha finally took the shower he needed so much to clear his head. This day had been very informative so far, he knew things would go well from here. At least on business level. On personal level he wasn’t sure yet if it was a good idea to involve Kai that much in his problems. If his little affair with Takanori ended, his deal would too and maybe Takanori could sue Kai for not telling him everything. Okay, that was very unrealistic, but he had to consider all possibilities. And it might be one, even though it was not very likely to happen. But if they ‘broke up’ it would still be bad for Kai. He might be fired by his company and not able to find a job in another one. Branded as whore when it really was Takanori who couldn’t get enough of the other.
But he would have to wait and see. Kai was clever, he would find a way out of any crisis that occurred from now on. And Uruha would be careful too.

Now he had something to look forward too and forgotten were the dreams of the last weeks, everything seemed more normal than ever. His mind set on his new task, he finished showering, went back into his office and started to make plans for settings and costumes of his future models. Of course when dealing with someone like Matsumoto Takanori, you had to be prepared.

~~~~

Note: I am well aware that Uruha is not a korean name, but for the sake of the story, it has to be :)
In case someone didn't get it(and I didn't really explain it... right? oo''): Uruha's dad is japanese, his mom is korean. His full name is Uruha Kouyou Takashima. Kai's grandparents are japanese, but his dad was already born in america and his mom is american/white. That's why he has an 'american' name and a japanese one (Uruha could never be a american name, but with Kai it's different xD). So his full name is Kai Yutaka Uke.

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Wed, 29 Aug 2007 20:12:47 GMT

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Sun, 20 May 2007 21:41:00 GMT

Sat, 19 May 2007 22:47:19 GMT

just something about myself ^^ some information about me, who I am, what I like and stuff~

♣ name ♣ no nickname (hm, should I make one myself? o.o what about... Yu-chan? that's nice ^^) okay, call me Yu-chan~
♣ gender ♣ I'm female (most of the time)
♣ sexuality ♣ into boys and girls~
♣ height ♣ 1,73m oder 1cm less
♣ eyes ♣ brown, little green
♣ hair ♣ short (yeah~), top is pink and the bottom black~
♣ birthday ♣ august (first week o.o make a guess)
♣ job ♣ going to college
♣ personality ♣ get to know me, I'm very nice and try to make people happy, don't like to be second best, get jealous easily, like to make presents, love music and going to concerts, read manga, watch anime, like yaoi ^^,

fin~

new day - new way

Sat, 19 May 2007 22:04:04 GMT

hey o.o
first post in my new journal~
don't know, what to write. firts entry... hardest one ^^
I'm curious if someone will read this.. crap ^^ hehe
let's wait~
enough for today, maybe something 'bigger' will follow tomorrow. now I'm tired x..x
*hugs and kisses*