Title: Between Lover and Friend
Chapter: Oneshot
Author: akita_ino
Pairing: Jaejoong, Yunho
Rating: PG13
Genre: angst
Wordcount: 5.981

Summary: Everyone wants their confession to be either accepted or rejected properly. Someone can only be either friend or lover… right?

Disclaimer: I own nobody mentioned in this fic and claim nothing to be true. I don’t intend to make money with this and I probably will not get any, not even some charity cookies.




Sometimes he had wondered when the best time would be to smoke. Was it a time you felt at peace and relaxed, when life was good and everything in and around you was full of satisfaction and happiness?
Or better the times of anguish, when you were nervous to the point of dropping everything you held because your hand shook too much?
He had heard the sex-theory that a lot of people preferred to smoke right after they had participated in physical activities to calm their body and especially mind, to clear the events from their conscious and find peace again.

But for him none of these times had ever been perfect enough. There had always been something missing to make him feel the way he felt now. Fully with mind, body and soul, there was no fiber of his being that was not full with this emotion, it consumed him thoroughly and made him unable to think anything anymore. It felt like hours, standing here outside in front of the large window. His eyes hadn’t moved for minutes, they still stared straight ahead on one spot deep in the vastness of the city. Everywhere were lights, stars above in the sky and down on earth, every little window, every street lamb and every car gave this city life and made it sparkle even more than the starlit sky could.

He had never seen something so beautiful and fulfilling, calming and majestic and still there was no space for such thoughts inside of him. The lights looked right back at him, watching him from across the street, from across the block of houses on the other side. The city was so enormous, he should have felt small and insignificant, just a small little nobody totally unnoticed by every other person in this city, who was still awake now. He breathed in and out, as slowly as he could, he inhaled deeply, the smoke burned his lungs and his throat, leaving a vile taste down to his stomach. This was the perfect time to smoke.

The city was growing bigger every second while his heart became smaller and smaller with every new intake of smoke. Loneliness crept up on him, engulfed him wholly, violently crashing him under it’s weight. There was no escape, no solution, he was all by himself. In this big city with its thousands of people running around, breathing, talking, doing whatever they felt like doing. He was all by himself. The hand holding his cigarette shook every time he lifted it to his cracked lips, which trembled just as frantic with every contact.
The filter was dry against his lips, coughs threatened to escape but he forced them down stubbornly. He couldn’t let anyone notice his condition, see the state he was in, he refused to let it show.

He had been standing there who knows how long, but still nobody had come to him, tried to talk to him or fetch him to go home. He was more than glad for it. Despite his hate to be alone, to be left alone, there was nothing he welcomed more at that moment, embraced it with such fervor and let himself drown in it. The feeling hadn’t left him for hours, first crashing down on him like a wave, carrying him far away from the shore he had been standing. And now? He was lost somewhere in the ocean, all he could see was water and the vast surrounding him. There was no silver lining on the horizon for him. Without destination he let himself drift further and further away.

The cigarette was done. Instantly he felt the urge to light another. And then another and still one more. He would probably never be in the perfect situation again, only now smoking had felt so natural and right, like the only solution life could and would offer him willingly, the only option that could provide him with relief and soothe him.
It felt right but wrong at the same time. The cigarette in his hand gave him strength, but in return he felt stripped of every barrier he had built to separate himself from everything around him. Slowly he blended in with the lights, the window in front of him, the sounds and visions of this nightly city.

Sighing he stuffed the pack of cigarettes back in his pocket, turned around and walked down the corridor back to the room. On his way he met Yoochun, telling him he and the others were leaving already and asking him if he wanted to join them and come back tomorrow. But how could he leave already? Nothing was there at home waiting for him, he would be as alone as he was now, feeling as bare and vulnerable as he felt here.
Without even saying anything Yoochun understood his anguish, put a hand on his shoulder and pulled him into a tight hug, not letting go as long as the body stood stiff and unmoving in his arms. Only when the other also put his arms around him, melted perfect into his embrace and into the line of his body, he let go again, but staying really close to him for some seconds. “He’s awake.” he said.

The others watched them for some seconds then they all left him there, bidding their goodbye with raw and tired voices. Yoochun took his hand, squeezing slightly and giving him and reassuring smile. They looked equally as tired and helpless. Now it was his duty to look after them, to talk to them, reassure them, and comfort them in these difficult times. It was his place now, but why was he unable to? Yoochun had tried to help him when it should have been his place to do it. Changmin had looked at him puzzled, embarrassed and exhausted. He surely had been crying. And he himself? He hadn’t shed any tear until now. The hours had flown by so fast, had there even been time for crying? Or was he too indifferent already that he couldn’t cry anymore? Not even over this?
The dull feeling in his heart was still there, it hurt but there was no sorrow or sadness.

For some time he just stood there, watching the door through which they had left, in each others arms, supporting each other and helping each other cope with it. Changmin pressed tightly against Junsu’s side, while Yoochun held both of their hand and led them through the corridor.
He turned around, the image of them still burning his heart, yearning for the same closeness and support, someone who led him by the hand. But he was still alone in this, not even with the other three could he share his sorrow now. Couldn’t form the pleading words, no cry for help left his lips. Silently he turned around, going back and passing at least 10 doors on his way, every time asking himself who was on the other side and if this person was as alone as he always felt himself in a hospital.

At last he reached the door, opened it and entered silently, careful. First he just risked a small glance inside, looking at the bed and the person inside, his body hidden by the door. But the other had already heard him. He turned his head, looking his direction and smiled a little. “Come inside already.”
He tried to hide how terrified he was of his friend’s condition, his weak voice, smaller and so much frailer than what he was used to hear. His face so pale, nearly matching the pillow he lay on. He closed the door behind him, coming closer to the bed with every step until he sat down on the chair right beside it.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” was the smiling answer he got from his friend, his face worn out and weary. His once bright eyes dull and red, but still directed at him with warmth and affection.

“Are you okay?” he asked, shyly taking his friends hand in his own. His skin was so cold, ashen and rough beneath his fingertips.
“I’m okay.” he rasped, coughing a little. “My stomach hurts and my throat is burning. I had to throw up 5 times already.”
He looked so tired and worn out, like he would pass out any second. Jaejoong felt bad for keeping him awake when sleeping clearly was the best way to make him feel better. But he had always been a selfish person, one who didn’t care much for other people when his own wishes and needs were concerned. So much different from Yunho.
“Where are the others?” he asked frowning, evident that he had woken up just minutes ago and hadn’t been able to speak with them yet. Or maybe Yoochun hadn’t let them speak with him, trying to give Jaejoong the first opportunity to do so.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to talk about the others, as much as he loved them, but this was his moment, he couldn’t let Yunho ruin that with his talk about the others. Now it was their time, just the two of them. How often did that happen anyway? Forced to stay together every day of the week, sleeping, living together in the same apartment, appointments every other day, they never had time for themselves, let alone the opportunity to talk in private to each other. Jaejoong missed being able to do what he wanted to without someone unintentionally intruding his privacy.
But even though he had his desired opportunity, time for him and Yunho himself, he wasn’t able to say anything to the other. His throat felt corded up with all the words that had been stuck so long, never had he been able to speak freely with him and now the emotions overstrained him with their intensity, the burning that hit his heart when he thought of everything he had to tell the other.

But their leader was oblivious of Jaejoong’s inner struggle. He just kept smiling and caressed the hand he was holding with his own. “It’s okay, it’s over now. Don’t cry.” He said soothingly.
But that was all Jaejoong wanted to do. To curl up beside his friend and cry for him, for them, for everything that had happened and for things that probably would happen from now on. But he didn’t, he couldn’t, seeing his friend in the bed made him realize again that this time he had to be the strong one, he had to guide his friends out of this situation.
He had to make sure Yunho stayed at his side from now on. He had come close to being seriously injured. Had the girl succeeded, if he had drunk the whole bottle, maybe there would have been more permanent damage to his body. And then? He might have been forced to quit, stop his career and he would have left Jaejoong alone. He couldn’t let this happen.

Finally giving in into his emotions Jaejoong sobbed suppressed, held Yunho’s hand tight against his chest. “Yunho…” he whispered, choking under his tears and sobs. And suddenly the fear came back, everything he had felt when Yunho had collapsed right in front of him, seized with cramps, crying out in pain, vomiting on the floor until blood came out and finally falling unconscious.
These thoughts caused him to cry even harder, crying out just as pained and collapsing beside the other on the bed. Yunho stayed surprisingly calm, he still smiled when the other fell beside him. He opened his arms for him, embraced him tightly and let him cry against his shoulder. Of course after everything he was still tired and sore, but Jaejoong needed him now, so he would help him. That was more important to Yunho than his condition. He could always sleep later, but he only had now to help his friend.

Jaejoong couldn’t stop crying. Yunho’s embrace made everything ten times harder. The thought that he could’ve lost this embrace forever made him miserable. He couldn’t live without the other, not now, not ever, he was so sure of it. But did the other need him as well? Would he always remain at his side?
Surely not to the extend Jaejoong needed Yunho in his life, his affection had already reached a dangerous level, something he was not proud of but couldn’t stop on his own. Never had he revealed anything to the others, but Yoochun surely suspected something, he was a good observer, he couldn’t have missed the glances, the touches, the way he fussed over Yunho at home.

But it didn’t matter. There was only darkness around him without Yunho. The pain, the fear was unbearable, Jaejoong would rather die than lose him, lose their friendship, the bond that had formed between them since their debut. Always had he feared the outcome if he confessed to his friend. But the thought of Yunho leaving him without even knowing his secret was even worse, his heart tensed up painfully, fresh tears spilled from his eyes, he couldn’t breath anymore. It was so hard.
“I love you..:” he cried with all the feeling he held for the other, clutching his body tighter.



*****



He sighed as he left the building. Roughly 3 years since this incident had happened and this was the first time he thought about it again. So many things had happened since that night. First they had been happy to stay side by side and lead their life in peace again. Yunho had recovered and everything had been the same again. Mostly.
There was still this voice in his head, talking for 3 years constantly about the results of this incident and the words he had spoken to Yunho even though he had vowed to never voice them to anyone. Things could have never been the same again. But it hurt too much to think about it again. For months he had done nothing else. His heart still hurt, would probably do so for some time longer. Much longer. These 3 years hadn’t helped him a bit, not even being away from Yunho for months now had eased his heartache. It was unfair.

Yunho blessed himself with ignorance, Jaejoong was sure of it. He denied what had happened and acted much the same as always, several years back when their friendship and affection had still been innocent. And Jaejoong had been the one who had corrupted it with his words, desires and wishes.
Sighing he stared down at the ground, a pack of cigarettes in his hands. There was no point in smoking, the perfect moment had passed long ago. He didn’t feel the same anymore, he feared he never would. Especially since the trial had started he felt like a different person. The betrayal was deep. Yunho had refused to stay with him, he had decided to start his drama, filming more important than his friends, their promise to stay together and help each other in every crisis that might turn up. Yunho had betrayed him. Changmin was different. He was young, still a child even though he also had matured through the years, he was still behind. He was scared. Jaejoong could understand that. But why Yunho? Their leader who had promised to protect the group, guide them as long as they let him.

There wasn’t much he could do right now. They had won a little victory, there were things that had to be discussed with SME after this and he was sure they wouldn’t let them get away with everything. They would probably cancel the contract and reveal the secrets they knew about them. Jaejoong feared it, as did Junsu and Yoochun, but they comforted him and whatever the outcome, the three would stick together. Jaejoong always smiled when they said that but the smile had yet to reach his eyes.
Months had passed since the start of the lawsuit, but he still held that hope inside of him that the other two would join them. Even though his belief became smaller and smaller the more the lawsuit advanced. They were a group, had been for years, they had shared everything, had grown up beside and with each other. And now this situation had torn them apart.

But Jaejoong’s anguish wouldn’t be as bad if he didn’t blame himself for it. Yunho had left the group because of him, he had distanced himself from Jaejoong’s feelings and from the others as well in that process. Their talk was still vivid in Jaejoong’s memory and he prayed often Yunho would forgive the others and become part of their lives again. He claimed it was for the others but secretly it was of course for himself too. He missed the other. Desperately.
The cigarettes were long forgotten as Jaejoong continued to stare down at the ground. Should he through them away and be done with it? It was a curse that he remembered that time always when he smoked. It still hurt, even now Jaejoong felt a little sting in his heart just thinking about it, the things that had happened and the what ifs. He closed his eyes. The cigarettes were stuffed back into his pocket and he took out what he had been hiding there for almost a week now. The letter was simple, white and plain, not even a name was written on it. He feared if he wrote the name and address, he would find it all too real.

The letter was meant to be read, the person it was addressed to had the right to read it, Jaejoong wished for him to read it. But if that was true, why was the letter still in his possession? He hadn’t been able to send it. And he couldn’t now. Not yet. They still had something to do. Tomorrow they would meet with their layers and talk about the strategy dealing with SM. He should go home and sleep. But if he was honest with himself, he would rather be alone right now. As much as he loved Yoochun and Junsu, held their friendship dear, he needed to be alone right now.
So he turned around and went to his car, which was down in the underground parking area. He had refused to have a driver take him, today he had wanted to drive by himself. He still wasn’t used to it. Driving a car had proofed to be much more difficult than he had thought at first. It was new, fans didn’t recognize the plate number yet so he thought he would be safe when he drove with it. Maybe he would go to a park or drive out of the city for some time. He didn’t know.

Yoochun and Junsu had left already, they had wanted to go home and prepare a little party to celebrate their victory. Jaejoong wanted to celebrate with them, but the judgment had left a sour taste in his mouth and a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He stood beside his car, took out his keys to open the car, when suddenly arms came around him and a warm body pressed against his back. He nearly screamed startled, his whole body stiff and prepared to defend himself against the stranger behind him. He tried to look down to see if the other had a knife or a gun, but when he looked down he only saw a pair of hands. And on one finger a silver ring glittering in the light.
Why now? Why fucking now? Jaejoong felt himself stiffen even more, he tried to free himself but he wasn’t putting on a real fight. He recognized the scent from the other and his eyes watered rapidly, threatening to spill over. The hands grabbed his own, holding them against his throbbing heart. He could hear his blood in his ears, feel the warmth coming from the other body, still as soothing as ever, his strong scent making him dizzy and his knees weak.

Both stood still some time, not daring to move in fear the other would pull away. Jaejoong felt joy and sadness at the same time. He was ecstatic, the other had finally come back to him. On the other hand he felt distressed, he had been kept waiting far too long. But still he couldn’t leave this embrace. Slowly he closed his eyes, relaxing against the broad chest behind him, breathing in deeply his sorely missed scent.
The other also remained silent, took the keys from his hand and opened the car. Carefully he led him to the back door, opened it for him, all the time holding him close. Still unsure of the situation Jaejoong climbed into the car, the other followed him and closed the door behind them, locking it again with the keys. The back windows were tinted, they couldn’t be seen and the car was parked with the front against a wall, so they would see anybody who tried to watch them. It wasn’t as secure as it was at home, but it was better than nothing. Jaejoong sat as far away as he could, his eyes cast down while he played nervously with his shirt collar. The other was the first to break the silence.

“Sorry for taking so long.” he said.
With this words something broke loose in Jaejoong. The voice he had missed so much over the last months, the closeness and friendship, everything had pained him so incredibly much, how could these be the first words the other said to him? He was furious, all the suppressed anger from the last months came to the surface. One punch hit his shoulder, the other his cheek, the last one was caught in a strong grip, Yunho’s eyes searching his.
“I’m sorry.” he said calmly, he hadn’t even flinched a little before at his blows. They had been hard, yes. Jaejoong planned on making it hard for him.
“I hate you!” he spat violently. “Don’t think you can come back now and everything will be okay!” Jaejoong needed his revenge, he had always had a temper and Yunho knew that.
But he remained as calm as he could, smiling a little. Not to mock the other but to show him that he came entirely to make up with him. It wouldn’t help if they started punching and scratching each other. It would only deepen the wounds they already bore.
“I know of your letter. I saw you holding it out there. And please, don’t say I’m just vain to assume the letter was for me. I know it is for me.” he said
Jaejoong sat still, tried to retrieve his hand but as always Yunho was too strong for him. Not physically, he also worked out a lot, but when he looked into his eyes, he couldn’t stop feeling powerless, drawn in by their beauty and kindness which was still directed at him after their time apart.

“Even if it was for you, you have lost your right to read it or ask about it.” Jaejoong had never been good at lying. Even Changmin could see trough him. He felt stupid for even trying it with Yunho, who had never fallen for any of his tricks. And after his adventure with the drama Yunho should be able to tell acting from natural behavior even better. Jaejoong feared the other might be able to read him like an open book.
“I don’t want to read it.” he said smiling. And before Jaejoong could punch him again for his words, Yunho grabbed both of his arms, pulled him forward against him rather harshly, holding him pressed tight against his chest.
Again Jaejoong felt the tears coming, a single sob escaped him. He felt himself lose this battle, trying to resist the other but at the same time he wanted to be closer. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of him. Never again.
Before he could open his mouth, Yunho laid a finger against his lips, silencing him. “I don’t need to read it. I know what you wrote. And I’m sorry for taking so long. We’re not done, how could we be?” Yunho whispered close against his forehead. Jaejoong couldn’t see his eyes, his face was pressed against Yunho’s chest. But really, was there a better place to be? For the first time in a long while Jaejoong felt at peace.

He was still mad at the other, but now being able to hold him, to be held like this, he decided to forget his anger. At least for a little while, he would throw a tantrum later when the others were watching. They deserved as much. If he found the strength again to be mad. Yunho could always do that to him. Infuriate him one second, calm him the other.
“If you… if you know, then why did you come right now and not sooner?” he asked with closed eyes, only breathing the unique scent and listening to the steady heartbeat under his shirt. How he had missed being close to him. Carefully at first he hugged the other back, put his arms around his back, clutching his shirt.
“I couldn’t come earlier. And I assumed you wouldn’t appreciate my presence. Now, that the trial is over I thought I might have earned the right to see you again.” Yunho confessed sorrowful.
Jaejoong could hear his suffering in his words, the way he spoke and the arms around him trembled slightly. He hadn’t been the only one with a broken heart it seemed. “But why? You knew how I felt about you…” Jaejoong couldn’t find the strength to finish his sentence. He sobbed again, forcing back his tears in vain. They spilled freely from his eyes, wetting Yunho’s shirt.

“That was the problem. ‘We’ couldn’t be.” the other said, lifting his hand and stroking Jaejoong’s hair softly. “You remember what I told you when you confessed? I love you, that hasn’t changed.”
The words made Jaejoong only cry harder. Yunho attempted to soothe him again, he petted his hair and back. “’We’ can’t be, Jae. It has been years, but you refuse to let me go.” Yunho didn’t blame Jaejoong for it, there was nothing in his voice that sounded taunting or reproachful, there was only understanding.
It didn’t make Jaejoong feel better. He had tried to forget him, every morning after waking up he had looked at his watch and told himself that it would be a wonderful day today, a new day was waiting, countless opportunities waiting for him outside of his bedroom. If only he could overcome his feelings for their leader. Every morning the same ritual, for weeks and months, then he had stopped bothering, there was no way to get the other out of his mind that easily. Back then Yunho hadn’t been able to understand his feeling, how could he be able to understand his hardship?
“I tried..:” he pressed out through his tears. “There hasn’t been a day I haven’t tried not to love you…” he confessed brokenly, holding the other only tighter.

There wouldn’t be another chance, it was now or never. Jaejoong felt Yunho slipping away from him, he would reject him again, this time for all the years to come. He trembled in his arms, refused to let him go. Now he was here. And on the backseat of his car, Jaejoong imagined Yunho coming back to his arms, kissing him, telling him how much he had missed him. But it wasn’t real. And reality threatened once again to crush him.

“You can still love me. I hope you still love me, even 30 years from now. But…” it was audible how hard it was for Yunho to find the right words. He tensed up noticeable in Jaejoong’s arms, but he didn’t stop his caress. “You refuse to let me be who I want to be.” again the other stopped, every word was forced and he tried desperately not to cry with the trembling, sobbing Jaejoong in his arms.
If given the choice, Jaejoong would also want to be someone else, someone without the emotional burden he had now, someone who was able to look at Yunho and see his kindness and attractiveness without thinking twice about it, letting him be a friend for a lifetime. But he was too selfish for that, he had never been able to share Yunho, not willingly at least.
It wasn’t easy to let him go, not now and not before, he had tried, how much he had tried to forget him and be what Yunho wished him to be. But jealousy had made them flee from each other soon, it hadn’t worked. As much as Yunho had wished it to work out between them, it was as much his fault as it was Jaejoong’s. And now both weren’t able to express what was really on their minds. Jaejoong too sad and angry to form anything other than insult or blame, Yunho too scared to make everything worse by choosing the wrong words. So they remained silent.

Both thought about the time 3 years ago, after Jaejoong’s confession and Yunho’s reaction to it. ‘I love you’ he had said, more than once, trying to find the strength to make Yunho believe him, who at first had tried to laugh it off. No way could Jaejoong be in love with him. They had been friends for so long already, they both didn’t want to put their friendship at risk. Not for some fleeting crush, as Yunho had put it. But can a crush really last over 3, 4, 5 years?
There was no use crying over spilled milk, not again. Jaejoong should be stronger than that, he expected that of himself, to be strong enough to be a full equal to Yunho. He had anticipated their reunion, whenever that would have been and now that he had the other in his arms again, he had gotten carried away by the moment. Where was his composure?
Agonizingly slow he left Yunho’s embrace, sat up again and whipped the last tears from his face. He had to look at him directly, talk to him to resolve their problem. He didn’t want Yunho to leave again when they were fighting, he wanted to make it up to him so bad. He also wanted him to apologize for leaving in the first place.

“I don’t want this person beside me. I don’t want the Yunho you want.” he whispered faintly. His eyes hurt from crying, he rubbed them again, but tried to lock eyes with the other, waiting for his answer.
“I want to be this Yunho. It’s all I can give you. But I see that it will not work between us. It’s already the most I can offer you.” Yunho said apologetically. His eyes were also red from the effort not to cry with the other.
Jaejoong felt sick and cold. Did they have to go through all of that again? He didn’t want to hear it again, he couldn’t understand it. You either love someone or you don’t but with Yunho even this simple thing became unnecessary complicated. But he still loved Yunho for it, for being the person he was, always analyzing and most of the time still getting hold of the wrong end of the stick. That was the Yunho he had wanted to be friends with.
When at night, after long dance practice, interviews or a concert, together sitting down and feeling hands on his shoulders and back, massaging away his pain and sadness, the sorrow from being away from the own family for too long, whispered words of reassurance and affection, that was the Yunho he had fallen in love with. He either wanted one or the other, he couldn’t deal with both, not with the strong feelings he held for him.

“I can’t be your friend if you love me like that. You cannot be my friend if I love you like that.” Jaejoong said, trying very hard not to fall into Yunho’s arms again. He was aware of Yunho’s inner struggle as well, but he wanted the comfort Yunho’s arms offered him, had always offered only him.
But the other just shook his head slowly. “I can only love you like that. I was never and maybe will never be physically attracted to you, Jae. It’s not something I can change willingly. I’m straight. But please, let me love you the way I can.” he pleaded, nearly choking on his own words. His eyes glittered with fresh tears in the light that fell on his face. His fists were clenched, trembling with the attempt to remain calm. Yunho was on the verge of crying. His pain was tangible in the air, Jaejoong’s heart clenched at his sight. Again he gave into the desire to be close to his beloved, if just for some more seconds. He couldn’t stand to see him so miserable and hurt. He fell forward, hugged him painfully tight. And both cried, silently against each others shoulders.
Whatever the price, Jaejoong had to pay it, he had to accept the situation, otherwise Yunho would leave him again and he couldn’t bear more time apart from him. His heart was bursting with joy and sadness at the same time, he couldn’t take everything again. Still, he would be miserable, for sure, but they would be close again. That had to be enough.

“Can you love me?” Jaejoong asked fearful, closing his eyes and catching his breath again before continuing. “Even though you will not hold me like a lover? But will you be with me always? Will you protect me? Treasure me as if I am your only one?” he asked in a small voice. It was all he could ask of the other. But would it really be enough? Could he be close to Yunho without giving into the urge to kiss him, hold him tight against his own body? Would his body be content? He was so incredibly selfish for expecting Yunho to satisfy his needs, making their physical contact a requirement for their friendship. But wasn’t it human to be imperfect? If he had been able to shut off his desires back when he first confessed, it wouldn’t have come to this. But he hadn’t been able.
Now, he knew, he had to make it different. He couldn’t afford the same mistake again. No matter how forgiving or strong Yunho was, he would always be scared away by him sooner or later.

Yunho pushed him away slightly, looked into his eyes, his own red and worn, Jaejoong’s pain was reflected in them, the same sadness and loneliness that had nearly destroyed him, both of them.
“I do love you.” Yunho confessed, his fingers tracing the lines of tears on Jaejoong’s cheek. “Back then I told you the same. I will never share physical pleasure with you… I can’t.” For a second he looked away as if in shame. Jaejoong felt a stab go through his heart. Never ever had he wanted to make Yunho feel that way. “But I can promise you…” Yunho continued finally, looking back at him, smiling faintly. “I will always be with you.” He lifted Jaejoong’s chin, bent forward and kissed his lips, so tender, so faint, Jaejoong wasn’t sure their lips had touched at all, it didn’t even last a second, but Jaejoong could feel Yunho pouring all his emotions into it, joy and anguish, apology and the offering of peace both yearned for. “I fell in love with your soul, Jaejoong.”
And Jaejoong had to accept that. Yunho would never be either friend or lover. He would always be both.